Stephanie Under Construction Blog

…but I’m no quitter.

It was bound to happen…in over two years success in my goals up to this point, losing 155lbs now, smashing through 29 documented and established physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual benchmarks and goals that I have set for myself, and making progress so far on countless more short term and long term goals to continue to help me grow and thrive to be not only the woman that God created me to be, but to continue to live within His will and honor the creation that He has entrusted to me.

It’s been a good run.  I’ve had hard days, I’ve had snarky moments, I’ve had cravings and crankiness, but I haven’t failed at anything yet. And yesterday, I did.  And it hurts.

Yesterday was the Toughman Triathlon that I’ve been so excited for since we got our team together just before Christmas.  Everyone’s been putting in the time and training for their events and we were hyped and ready.  Swimmer–did amazing.  Bike–did amazing.  I tried and had to quit.

So what went wrong?  A combination of things…it’s hard to peg just one.  I think the weather played into it, my heart rate spiked after a part that I didn’t spend adequate time training on and I never recovered from despite slowing my pace considerably,  and at mile 3 I started to get violently sick and it didn’t stop…I’d like to say that’s uncommon, but not at that level, so I tried to power through, but at mile five I knew I couldn’t continue–I couldn’t hold any liquids down and had almost gone through what I was carrying that gets me through a whole race, and was seeing stars that weren’t going away.

That was the longest last two miles of my life trying to figure out what to do.  Failure has never been an option for me, never been a consideration–but there had to be a limit.  God and I have had some conversations at the very beginning of the journey though, and He had to remind me yesterday that I do have boundaries.  I considered for a minute turning the corner to start the next lap, but here was one problem: at this point in the day, the distance between racers was few and far between because of the particular event, the short races were done–if I went down in distress, it could be the loss of valuable time before a true medical emergency could be communicated.  I was giving myself a heavy guilt trip that two other people had busted their butts already to be successful and I couldn’t throw in the towel and not finish, no matter how long it took–I still had to finish, just so it was legit. But as I was praying hard too for an answer on what to do, I was also reminded of the limits that I have in place for myself–that no action, no goal I have for myself will cause me harm.  I hadn’t been in this situation before physically–my HR recovers quickly in my running intervals, that’s why I run them and pay close attention to them, it’s like clockwork.  I have a lower heart rate, resting heart rate, and blood pressure to start out with–so when I’m maxing out and it’s not dropping for over an hour and I’m physically sick and seeing stars on top of it, that’s a problem.  I didn’t see many choices left.

I don’t think there is anything more humbling in the world than having to walk down the finishing chute to turn in your timing chip to claim a DNF.  At that moment I wasn’t particularly with it which was probably the only reason I didn’t burst into tears.  I was walked over to the medical tent and attended to by some great volunteers and got to chat with some other encouraging athletes for a bit.  Was joined by one of my teammates and talked it through and he helped me understand some of the things that went wrong.  There’s always something to be learned.

Once I was able to stand up again without seeing stars and made my legs work, I got home and cleaned up and cooled off, ate, and just relaxed.  Didn’t sleep well last night…pretty broken sleep spent beating myself up over this and some other news I’ve gotten this week.  I’ve talked to a couple folks that reached out and have gotten a little encouragement. I did break down a little bit this morning as I was spending some quiet time with God.  I know intelligently I made the right choice, but my heart still hurts.  And I’m angry (that’s a nice way of putting it–I’m ready to put my fist through a wall ticked).  And I have full right to be for a little while…I’m human, and I’ll get over it.

It’s all in how I channel the anger.  We all know, #igotgoals…well, let’s take some of those lessons from yesterday and apply them.  I’m going to be taking a look at my training plan and probably tweak some things so that I have one of my runs in the sun each week to condition myself to warmer weather.  Another is to look at the area of my demise and hit it as an area where I run more to build up that conditioning.  There’s some other loose ends in my mind…we’ll figure out where they go, but I’ll tell you this, it’s not the end of Toughman–I’m coming back for a rematch.  And tomorrow morning, I’m back out there, because I’m far to stubborn to quit.

Don’t judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.

“All you do is run.”

“Don’t you do anything else?”

“I don’t know how you have the time to do what you do.”

I know it’s meant harmlessly, but over time, it grates on my nerves…especially that last one, I don’t know how I have the time either, but you know what? I have the same 24 hours as everyone else and I put in 8-10 hours of work each day, errands, other programs and meetings, workouts, family time, and now the insane person that I am, I’m starting a six month class later this month because I don’t have enough standing commitments.  It works. It just does.  And quite honestly, to quote another tired meme, “an hour workout is only 4% of your day, what’s your excuse?”  Because other than my long runs once a week that last 2-4 hours, that’s all the time I spend working out each day!

I do plenty else…I spend time with my husband (almost) everyday outside of our ministry responsibilities.  I am an avid reader–I average 500-1000 pages any given week. I do laundry.  I cook meals.  I grocery shop.  I bathe our dog.  I get 7-8 hours of sleep (providing I actually get a good night of sleep).  I participate in community activities when time allows and they interest me.  I have closet desires to be a social being that my introverted tendencies squash at every juncture.  That 8-10 hours of work plus errands, other programs, and meetings…you may see some bumblings of it on social media, know of it if you know me in person, or have even greater knowledge of my doings and whereabouts depending on your relationship with me/our ministry/the groups and organizations I belong to.  The reality of our ministry is that of trust and confidentiality, so a lot of the minutiae isn’t out there for the world to see.  So, yes–I am fine to tout the fact that *I* aim to be transparent as much as possible, but the reality is, there’s proper boundary there for good reason–because it’s none of your business!

I am very transparent about a very, very great many things about myself–almost to a narcissistic fault, because I think it’s important to share that 1) leaders in ministry are human and not to be placed on pedestals, 2) this journey of obedience, change, and wellness is no joke–some days it’s effortless, some days you want to scream, and some days you just want a stupid cupcake.  3)  I’m not perfect–I’m learning, I’m teachable, and I want to share what I’m passionate about right now.  Don’t like it…don’t listen.  Easy as that.

Transparency isn’t bad.  Passion isn’t bad.  It gives me a chance to take two seconds out of the doldrums of everyday life and dream on something bigger.  Yeah, I have goals–I have goals of all levels of attainment from ones that span my personal life like a systematic organization plan (starting with my disaster of an office), to professional that I’m not going to outline on this platform, to someday running an ultramarathon and others on levels in between.  You might be surprised to take a look at some of my planning (as yes, it’s all down step-by-step on paper…because…well, type A)

I’m not sure where I was going with this one today…maybe I just needed to vent a little.  I really want a huge cupcake.  I don’t need a cupcake…keeping things on point, next race is under three weeks.  Moral of the story, don’t judge someone just on perception, they’re probably playing a few close to the vest.  Give grace and let ’em enjoy what lights their fire.  And I won’t put down your passions.  Deal?

Disclaimer: The following is what works for me based upon research and medical advice FOR ME at this point in time. I’m not advocating ANY of this FOR YOU.  If you want further research or advice, I’m happy to send you in a direction where you can seek out the professional opinion appropriate for your situation–reach out and let me know, you don’t have to be alone in the world of cyberspace misinformation!

I have a list of questions that friends have asked me to expand on in some blogs that I’m going to cover over time…and so here’s one: What do you eat?

Here’s the complicated answer (don’t worry–I’ll simplify it too!): for my current weight within this five pound range, I consume 1500-1700 calories depending on the workout or run that has been completed that day  (pick up your jaw, it looks like a lot, I know, it messes with my head too–remember the disclaimer, it’s not for everyone.  Remember, I’m still losing weight, I’m not 110lbs soaking wet, nor will I ever be–I’m also a 5’10” active woman, my body REQUIRES calories to lose weight).  But it’s not just calories.  It’s mathematically divided by macro-nutrients that are also adjusted by larger weight ratio increments as I lose weight.  Currently, those are 45% carbs/25% fat/30% protein with a 80-100g protein baseline depending on the calorie ceiling for the day.  Complicated enough?  It’s actually not that bad–I track every single thing I eat on an app, MyFitnessPal.  I’m a premium user (yes, that means I pay an annual fee)–but I get to then tailor the website and app to my different calorie and macro goals by each individual goal and each individual day of the week and it does all the crazy math for me.  Plus the special access to premium customer service is helpful too.  All I have to do is plug in the portions of the food I eat and it does all the magic.  Literally, seconds at a time, less than five minutes total during the day and I have tons of data about my nutrition at my finger tips.  Another nice feature about MFP premium is I have been able to completely eliminate the feature where it even allows the appearance of adding exercise calorie burn to your day–unless running 10+ miles where I’m burning literally thousands of calories (which I do track elsewhere), I don’t consume my calorie burn from exercise and I don’t want to see that mind game temptation in my food journal.

So here’s the simple version–what I actually eat in terms of real food:

Pre-workout (Amount depending on the intensity/length of workout; usually only one of these unless it’s a long run):

• Banana
• Unsweetened Applesauce
• Gu Stroopwafel
• Skratch Labs Energy Chews
• Soon to be tried–making my own fuel bars, I’m trying to cut out chemicals and preservatives (and save a little $$$)

Breakfast:

One cup of coffee w/ 2oz of protein shake instead of half and half (my newest find! Love this substitute for cutting calories and bumping protein!), and a scoop of BCAAs in water if I worked out or ran that morning, and one of the following:

• Homemade breakfast sandwich with english muffin, egg whites, spinach
• Steel cut instant oatmeal with flax seed and PB2 powder
• Honey Nut Cheerios or Special K Red Berries with Almond Milk
• Kodiak Power Cakes (protein-enriched pancakes) and bacon
• Eggs or Egg whites w/ shredded cheese, bacon, english muffin

Lunch/Snacks:

I’ve talked about my “toddler diet” before where I snack on little things throughout the day/afternoon.  Sometimes I eat leftover portions of dinner the night before depending on what we had.  Some days I have lunch meetings and eat an actual meal–that last part isn’t covered here because I don’t have say on planning those menus, usually it’s buffet so I go for salad, the protein, and the dessert–occasionally the carb if it’s really yummy. But here’s the bulk of my options that I usually choose from most days:

• Hummus and veggies
• String cheese
• Sargento Balanced Breaks (cheese cubes, nuts, dried fruit)
• Ready-paks (cheese cubes, veggies, fruit, pretzels)
• Fiber-One Bars or Brownies
• Greek Yogurt
• Soup (truly an unsung hero–many are low-cal and filling, just gotta watch the sodium)
• Trader Joes Pumpkin Bars (like a Nutri-Grain Bar)
• Unsweetened Applesauce
• Crackers
• Fresh Fruit
• Steamed Veggies

Dinner Main Dishes (We like a hearty dinner, some recipes–usually crockpot ones–yield leftovers that are great for packing to bring to the office, others are perfect for cooking just for two.):

• Boneless Thin Cut Dijon Pork Chops
• Turkey Burgers
• Cheeseburgers (lean beef)
• Meatloaf (lean beef)
• Steak (leaner cuts)
• Turkey Chili
• Chicken or Beef Stirfry
• Italian Meatballs
• Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast (cooked nine million different ways)
• Sloppy Joes
• Navy Bean and Bacon Soup
• Tacos or Taco Salad
• Carne Asada
• Turkey Breast
• Roasted chicken (which then becomes chicken sandwiches, chicken salad, and homemade chicken stock–we don’t waste!)
• And so many more that I’m not thinking of…

As far as side dishes go, almost all dinners are accompanied by a giant salad each (no really, we each get a salad served in a serving bowl)–to cut calories and not go overboard on that, they’re loaded with leafy greens and fiber-rich veg, and we use yogurt based dressings that have lower calories.  We don’t make carb-y side dishes like pastas or potatoes, except on occasion.  We substitute things like spaghetti squash or shirataki noodles.  We eat lots of steamed veggies with seasonings one them like broccoli, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, peas, carrots, cauliflower, green beans, squash, zucchini, etc.

With anything–it’s easy to go overboard.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again here because I believe in it for me so strongly.  I don’t do deprivation.  Everything has to be permissible because if I believe I can’t eat it, I’m going to fixate on it until I eat it until the point of excess and undo all of the positive work that I’ve done for myself.  It’s all about planning and portion size.  I plan out my meals and that’s what I eat–life happens and things change, but for the most part, that’s what I eat.  Portion size is key–it’s not the whole package of something.  It’s a weighed and/or measured portion of something.  I use measuring cups and spoons.  I use a food scale.  I buy pre-packed foods and prepackage many of my own items too.  Food has to be easily accessible for me, or I’ll reach for the junk, it’s as simple as that.  It’s work, but I’m a work in progress too–and I’m worth it.

And there you have it…the mystery of what I consume that has brought me to the point of 150lbs down so far.  And I can promise you this with unabashed assurance–it will change moving forward–my nutrition has and is been a fluid learning process over the last couple years, and as I lose weight, those goals constantly change as my body requires less to fuel its existence.

Ask and ye shall receive on the questions–I’m happy to share!

A quote I have seen several versions of and often take pause for goes along the lines of, “If something excites you and scares you at the same time, you should probably do it.”  If I was to try to sum up a litmus test for creating my goals into one statement, I think that would probably be pretty stinkin’ close.

I’ve had to spend the last few weeks getting out of my head and trying to get back to foundation of it all.  But God’s cool like that, because He’s given me plenty of opportunity to remind me what that foundation and beginning is and was, and the chance to give all glory and honor to Him for the things that I’ve accomplished the last couple of years.  I came to realize what my major malfunction was and where the course correction needed to come.  Humbling, but good stuff.

If you know me or followed my posts for any amount of time, you know how this whole journey of holistic wellness is rooted in one thing: obedience.  My goals center on one thing and one thing only–honoring God’s creation (my body) so that His will is done through me.  It’s not about me.  It’s not weight loss, it’s not running, it’s not crossing the finish line of an ultra some day–all of these are fabulous worldly (and not gonna lie–make ya feel pretty darn awesome) byproducts and measurable results of goals, but they aren’t the ruling factor.

The fear. Fear comes in a lot of forms.  I struggle with a lot of fear of failure–I’ve talked before about the mental battle–the I’m not good enough/not smart enough/not pretty enough/not enough head game.  While improvement is marked and measurable, there’s still work to be done…still chopping the weeds.  Fear of the unknown–I’m not a fan of calculated risk. I’m pretty conservative.  I think that’s why this whole concept of goal setting has been a pretty cool adventure for me too in that in the short-term and long-term goals–while there is a lot of structure and planning, there’s a lot of reaching for the stars and God-sized dreams there too where I don’t always have the personal faith in the facts, that I have to believe I’m going to grow into the truth.  I guess that’s just like training and running…there’s a predictable factor of improvement with consistency and while you can’t necessarily imagine yourself there at that moment, you can believe you’re going to get there.  And fear of disappointment–this one is one that I keep laying at God’s feet and picking up again, I can’t quite just leave it there and let Him work on this in me…the people pleasing.  I know I’m going to disappoint people in life–that’s fact, but the head game and stress it plays in my head isn’t good.  I’m not God and I don’t play Him on TV–I’m human.  If I ever find the answer, I’ll keep you posted.

And crushing it.  That course correction I mentioned earlier…it’s beyond good stuff.  While admitting I had to change things up was hard and humbling (not humiliating–there’s a difference, more on that another time), it’s brought me back to square one where I can see leaps and bounds progress again.  I needed that.  We all know I like tangible, measurable results in my goals in all three major areas (physical, spiritual, and emotional) and by getting out of the rut where my wheels were spinning, things are in motion again.  I’ve had to beef up the accountability, seek out some new avenues of growth, dig in deep on my training plan (next race in 30 days!!!), tighten up the nutrition, and reel in my focus–but it’s paying out in dividends.  Instead of feeling frustrated I feel empowered again.  I’m excited again.  A friend posted the acronym IWBMATTKYT the other day (warning, it’s not G-rated if you look it up) and I love it–while I don’t take it literally, I’m fired up!  Let’s see what goals get smashed now!!!

There’s a passage in a study that I’ve done several times now, and I’m leading a small group through it currently, where the author talks about allowing God to “mess with” different areas of her life–how some compartmentalized areas are permissible to go in and disrupt the status quo.  I like how this study addresses this issue upfront, that we need to lose the boxes we put ourselves into.  That we keep control in some areas, and surrender to God in others.  To quote that commercial, “That’s not how it works! That’s not how any of this works!”  We give it all to God.

And the blessing comes.

Oh dear friends, it comes.

It’s not easy.  We take back a lot of control and play a game of tug of war often, because, well, we’re human.  We make mistakes.  I know for me, I want to know the plan–it’s fear that holds me back more often than not from giving up my will to God’s grand plans.

So, here’s my confession.  I’ve been pretty discouraged lately.  Satan’s been having a field day in my head in some areas and my defenses haven’t been fighting him off well and I haven’t found the words to figure out how to ask the usual troops around me to intercede on my behalf, so I’ve isolated it.  Yeah, danger, Will Robinson.

In the midst of going through the motions and feeling like I’m just treading water in several areas, I got in the car yesterday afternoon after finishing up a lunch meeting and completely out of the blue, this physical wave of peace and unfathomable joy just washed over me.  It hit me again this morning as I was on the treadmill warming up for my workout, and again as I was driving to the office this morning.  It’s almost difficult to put into words.

I’ve talked in other posts how this journey of obedience has helped me to discover what joy really means–and the difference between happiness (an emotion) and true joy (a fruit of the Spirit).  As I was driving and this wave hit me again this morning, I was listening to this song by Group 1 Crew, Take It All In:

Perfection.  This song sums it all up.  This unsticks the gears…the joy…it’s that moment of utter disbelief and elation and amazement when you cross the finish line. Just sit back and soak it in, stop and open your eyes!

But there’s no finish line–because we keep going.  The race is not yet over.  We press on.  There’s more.  There’s more to conquer.  There’s more to fight for.  There’s learning and growing to be done.  There’s peace and joy. I’m worth it.  You’re worth it.  Our communities are worth it.  And…

#igotgoals

Half marathon #2-done.  All goals set-accomplished.

Goal #1-Don’t finish last (officially there were 253 people that finished after me)

Goal #2-Improve speed (I admit, I don’t spend a lot of time fretting over time and realize I’m slower than molasses, running isn’t about that for me–but if I’m going to do it, I might as well get better, right?  Better? Yeah.  Official times between both races put me at 20:53 faster than September…my mind is blown, I would have expected improvement–but that’s just insane to me)

Goal #3-Finish under the course time limit (This one freaked me out because my last race time was greater than the limit for this race, so I’ll admit to buying myself some time in getting a slightly earlier corral posting since course time limit was based on the last person over the start line…but from goals #1 and #2, as you can see, I was safe!)

The weekend started on Friday when we went to the Race Expo and Wellness Fair at the convention center–needless to say, it was overwhelming with people.  I’m glad that we went on Friday in the afternoon before all the masses, there’s no way I could’ve handled it on Saturday!

The morning started at 4:30am with coffee and breakfast, getting my head in the game, gearing up, and heading out.

Overall, it was a fairly uneventful race.  Honestly, I doubt I would do this particular race series again just because of the volume of people–smaller venues are definitely more comfortable for me in a lot of ways.  My hyper-alertness just can’t handle that many people in one place like that.  It wasn’t bad once we got out on the course and could move after the first mile or so, but it took over a half hour to just get over the start line.

I felt really good throughout the race, kind of cranky the first three miles (which I always am anyway on a long run, the first three are just hard to me…once I hit 5k, it’s smooth sailing)…I attribute that to the crowds and then once they thinned out I got a gnarly foot cramp around mile two that hung on for a mile-ish.  The next water station had Gatorade, which I hate, but I knew my stomach could tolerate it, so I took it and it got rid of the cramp thankfully since all I had on me was my Skratch chews and Hammer gels for fueling at the appropriate times.  After that I was fine until the hill from hell in the final third of the race (now that was quite cruel)…I can’t tell you how many times I’ve driven over that stinkin’ road before in my life, but it felt like climbing Kilimanjaro today.  Hit the wall at mile 11 but still kept a respectable pace.  Once I hit mile 13, intervals mattered no more–it was a sprint to the finish!

It was a great overcast day–thankfully.  I’m so grateful to so many for their love, support, and prayers that got me to and through today.  My husband and family deserve major credit for sticking it out all morning and waiting around for me to finish.  After I got a banana and some chocolate milk into me and could get on my feet again, we even took a rickshaw back to the parking garage and later on after cleaning up and rest got a burger and shake at Five Guys! (I’m thinking cheeseburgers are just my craving of choice following long runs…)

All in all, fabulous day.  Fixed some mistakes I made on my rookie race, obviously made some improvements, and it’s only going to get better from here–which is a darn good thing, because my next 13.1 is part our team for Toughman Triathlon Relay in 61 days (but who’s counting?).

When it all comes down to it, all I can say is…Thanks be to God.  This is an amazing journey.

Yes, we’re talking Thousand Foot Krutch.

I feel it in my veins, it’s not going away–everything’s about to change.

It’s an established fact change and I don’t get along.  And I’m a head-game champion.  I’m back wrestling with one that I had hoped was laid to rest before, but it’s back with a touch different slant this time.

Talking myself out of success.

Once again, I stand on the cusp of a goal benchmark and doubt creeps in.  Can I do it?  What if I fail?  You’re not good enough…you’re not this…you’re not that…What happens if I can’t do it? …and a whole other list of questions that reveal much more of my humanness than I care to utter to anyone but God.

I realize in my rational mind that this line of thinking is crazy–that first of all, failure wouldn’t kill me, but also–why would I fail?  In this instance, I’ve completed a half marathon already, I’ve done the training, I’ve prepared, and while every race obviously is different–I know what to expect, I have my plan that’s been modified from the mistakes I made the first time.  Logically, I’m ready–let’s rock it.  But…doubt…darn it.

I would love to figure out how to erase this cycle of negative self talk.  While I can markedly show progress in this arena, it’s still a daily battle that I struggle with–I think almost more than diet and exercise and other physical disciplines.

I spend a lot of time pouring my heart out and getting real with God on this topic because it’s really hard to talk to people about, and often it seems like a one-sided God conversation because I don’t feel like I am getting many answers from Him yet (but I know I will when the time is right…patience, another lacking virtue).  While many people can identify on some level–whether they choose to admit it or not–I think we all work through this in our own way.  I’ve pretty much quit talking about it in face-to-face conversation because many well meaning people just seem to come back with similar platitudes that just crawl under my skin.

I have goals.  I want to move forward.  As much as I hate change, I know change is necessary–I need change in my life, and it needs to be change from within.  It frustrates me very much that I want the answers so very, very badly and earnestly seek it and it’s not wrapped up in a pretty bow waiting for me.  And I’m sorry, it’s not Philippians 4:13…stop pulling it out of context! Please!

I usually come to the point in my frustration when I realize–there’s too many “I”‘s.  I’m trying to figure it all out again.

Not my job.

It’s God’s job.  Nowhere in my job description as child of the Most High does it include Triune God.  I’m overstepping again.  God knows–I keep repeating it.  Over, and over, and over in prayer.  He’s working on it.  I need to trust and allow the change to happen in His time.

I still don’t have the answers.  I don’t know how to shut down my mind and quiet the chatter that tries to steal my joy and I hate that…because I know exactly how this plays out: I sit here and Jekyll & Hyde it in my mind until I cross the start line when the endorphins kick in, have an amazing 13.1 with whatever may occur and I just take it how it comes, and celebrate the sheer elation at the finish.  The intelligent side of me knows that…wish the rest of my head could get on board.  This should be an exciting weekend to enjoy and celebrate the accomplishments of a family member and myself with this race, I don’t want to waste it in a cycle of doubt and self hatred in my head.  Ugh.

Overthinking at its finest.  I’d like my straight jacket in pink sparkles please!

Everything.

More of life terrifies me that I let on.  Or maybe I’m just really bad at hiding it and everyone else is too polite to say anything. I’m cool with it either way.

I’ve been spinning my wheels on a couple goals lately and while I was doing some reading and praying this morning it hit me between the eyes on what has been holding me back: fear.

I’m not used to being successful.  I’m not used to accomplishing my goals.  I’ve met so many goals and milestones over the last couple years (yeah, it already feels weird to say couple years–can you believe 1/23 will mark two years since this craziness of turning it all over to God because I was tired of my personal pity party?) that it is very overwhelming for me to look at in its entirety because I can’t comprehend just how incredible it all has been.

I have learned so much…about God, myself, others, life, stuff.  I feel like I am at a more teachable point than I have ever been in life, that I’m just absorbing so much of what is around me–and what I’m exposing myself to is the right things–what is meant for me at this point in God’s plan for my life.  The right people, places, and things.  I don’t believe any of it is a mistake.

I’m starting to feel safe.  For good reason, there’s many things that sends my mind into high alert, distrust, question-mode, cynicism, and general negativity…it’s just the “stuff” that accompanies some of the experiences that I have had to walk through in life.  I think I honestly have forgotten what it’s like to let my guard down.  I might be starting to remember.  I am learning to breathe again…and it’s good to exhale.

I don’t have the magic answer to ridding myself of the fear that I carry in my life on so many different levels.  Yes, there’s different ways to tackle and deal with it, and I do in some ways…some healthier and more productive than others, but hey, work in progress over here.

During a difficult workout, I always repeat to myself, “I can do anything for 30 minutes” or X amount of time, distance, whatever it may be–I can trick myself into handling life.  I can tell myself that all I need to do is make it through the next…fill in the blank.  And life will go on.  And it usually does.

By doing this, I’m not living by the seat of my pants–quite the opposite really, I’m giving up my will to the knowledge of God’s creation.  He built it, He imagined it, He planned it, He’s got the whole big picture–so let’s let Him drive for a little while.  It’s surrender.  I just suit up and show up and let Him do the work in me.  I’m the one doing the footwork.

I’ve talked about the discomfort zone before, and I’m happy to take up residence there–I like the change it had brought about in my life so far and I’m truly fascinated to see where it takes me next.  In the meantime, I’ll still be working on and praying on the fear, but also starting to let in that fresh air that’s sneaking in around me too…

Happy New Year–may it bring whatever it is that you seek.

As I was flipping to a clean page in my journal this morning, my eyes landed on a quote from a book that I read a few months ago.  I needed to see it again.  I needed the reminder.  The quote is from Justin Slater’s book, “Blood, Sweat, and Shame: Confessions of an Ultra Marathon Fat Guy,” and it says this…

“Besides, if I give up now, the terrorists would win.”

His reference to terrorists is the demons in our mind that talk us out of our greatness–our potential–from reaching our goals.  Short, simple, concise.  I’ll admit, I’ve been dancing instead of battling with my terrorists recently.

It’s been a rough couple months inside my mind.  There’s been a lot going on around me that’s required my focus and energy and I’ve allowed it to be an excuse to take the focus off my priorities.  And I’ve paid the price.  While much good has been done and God’s work has been done, it’s been at a price to my body and mind and I lost a bit of sight of the balance that I’ve worked so hard with God’s leading to maintain.

But here’s the cool part and I can see the transformation that has taken place in my life too–I’m not in a place of guilt or beating myself up.  I can rationally look at the mistakes I’ve made, the conditions that are out of my control, lay it all at the foot of the cross, allow God to pick up the pieces, and move on from right where I’m at.  So, here’s the run down of where I’m at:

Physically: Next half marathon is 19 days away!  I’m nervous because training has been different this time around, and nutrition has been off (but not awful) for a couple weeks, but I have time to reel the food component back in beforehand…but I’m also so very excited for this race.  As an early Christmas gift I also started working with a personal trainer for a few months, so I’m interested to see how that affects my running too.  My body overall is quite weary–I have not slept well for a couple months and my physical body is starting to protest it, it’s not something I can control, so I think ultimate shut down might be on the horizon and I can finally rest…I pray so.  That blasted scale, ugh.  Still teetering down ounce by ounce instead of pound by pound, but that’s okay…I’m losing inches.  While I’m not losing as much weight as quickly as I was, I’m losing clothing sizes much more than I was before, so there’s still progress happening.  I have to remind myself of that.

Mentally: I’m all over the place.  My mind has been getting the better of me and the lies that I believe have been playing at a higher volume than normal.  For some reason I’ve had a lot of past scenarios and sin playing through in my mind, that has been bogging down valuable head space I could be using more productively. Why dwell on what’s been forgiven and redeemed?  Clearly an indicator that I’m not relying on God and trying to rely on my own strength…we all know where that gets me.  I’m tired.  My mind plays tricks on me.

Spiritually: God and I have been having a lot of urgent sessions lately.  My heart is weary.  In the midst of this holiday season there has been a lot of bad news that has affected people in our community, family, and those around us.  Much of the time I have felt powerless and have had to turn to the power and comfort of the only source I know that can truly bring peace in the chaos.  It’s felt like a lonely fight…I know it isn’t, but I’m entitled to my feelings too.

While some of this sounds like a downer (okay, a lot of this sounds really negative), I’m actually really torqued right now too as I sat in prayer this morning and journaled after stumbling on the above quote.  The goals currently in progress are pretty amazing and I’m fascinated as they unfold because they are bringing me to a time and place and person that I’ve never met before–to continue becoming the woman of God that God has always intended me to be, that I’ve stood in the way of being.  There’s so much joy in the journey–I’ve said it before, not everyday is sunshine and roses, there’s rain and spilled coffee (the horror!) too, but there’s lessons and grace in it all–the good, bad, and downright ugly.  So even when things don’t line up pretty and logical like I prefer them to, I need to trust that it’s all happening in accordance the plans of the One greater than I.  And when my obedience remains there, the terrorists never win.  Don’t quit today.

It may be the cycle of poor quality sleep lately or a temporary lapse of sanity, either is completely plausible, but the truth serum seems to be kicking in and I feel a bout of honesty coming through my fingers to the keyboard…

I’ve used this platform before to share that not everyday is sunshine and roses on this journey.  One of my major struggles is insecurity.  While some of my goals have and currently do revolve in the area of building up my confidence and self-esteem, which historically has been in the toilet, I have made some progress…but it’s a long road.  I still have a long way to go.  I still feel like most days I “fake it until I make it”–and that’s okay.

I had a friend ask me that while, yes, I still have more weight to lose, why I am still so insecure about my appearance.  I could make a list a mile long…God and I are still working on that transforming of the mind part. So what is it that I see?

Call it vanity run amok, and don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon at the weight I’ve lost…but no one talks about the negative consequences that large amounts of weight loss has on the body.  There is no amount of strength training or toning workouts or magic lotions or wrap that can heal sagging skin at this level.

It’s life.  There’s not a whole lot I can do about it short of surgery…but that’s an elective (read: not covered by medical insurance) procedure that I’m not even sure we could ever begin to afford (okay, that’s a lie, we could if we saved for a few years I’m sure, but I’m not sure I want to be that selfish with our money).  That’s also down the road too, I wouldn’t consider it until I met my goal weight and maintained it for a little while…I think…there’s a few factors that play into it too that *might* make it medically necessary at some point.

My weight has always been strangely distributed, and I’ve never had a huge gut, so my sagging skin plague is limited to my upper arms and my thighs.  For years I never wore sleeveless shirts, but living on the face of the sun and slowly learning not to give a rip has changed that.  I’m not so much embarrassed by the appearance of my upper arms, admittedly not pretty, but the bad part about it is the last several months the weight of the skin sagging actually pulls on my neck and shoulders causing me pain…that’s on the agenda for my next doctor visit because as much as I love a good visit to the chiropractor, I’d like to prevent the issue in the first place.  It’s only days when I exercise (so most days) that are an issue, especially running days, because the repetitive movement is killer, but…what can ya do? Compression sleeves are my friend…

And my thighs…oh my thighs…rather, I should say my saggy knees.  It’s just weird to look at.  Y’all don’t need that tragic tale…let’s just leave it at the fact that as much as I hate tight clothing, compression running tights are my friend as well.

I’m not sure where I was going with this one when I started writing it a couple weeks ago, but as I sit here exhausted today with the speed of life as of late, with new muscles reminding me of their existence thanks to some new exercises with my trainer and I am grateful to God for the ability to be transparent.  I don’t think I would’ve admitted these “dark and shameful” insecurities before, but sitting here reading my words is telling to me.  It’s scary to put yourself out there and be honest–fear of judgment is real.  It’s a hard reminder that the only judge I need to keep my eyes fixed on is the One leading me right through this journey of greater wellness, discovery, and learning.  It’s good stuff.  Maybe coming out from behind the facade isn’t so scary…