(There really is a race report in here if you read long enough)
The last few weeks I’ve been reminded as to what bravery looks like. And it’s not the usual images we imagine of people performing great feats of strength and bounding over buildings in a single leap. It’s people getting out of their comfort zones and sharing the deep and scary stuff–the things that we believe no one else in the world can truly understand, and if anyone else ever knew, they couldn’t possibly love us if they found out. But those people stand strong and share their truth, and that’s brave.
I share a lot of things. There are many things I’m a complete open book about, sometimes to a fault. Yet, there are an equal, if not greater number of things, I play pretty close to the vest that only a fraction of folks that have earned trust in my cold dark heart learn about. It’s a hard thing to open up to people, to be raw and vulnerable, and lay it out there not knowing how someone might respond to our biggest hurts, fears, insecurities, etc. When you find those that listen and love you without judgement–that you can call on without hesitation, and they can call on you–hang on to those people, God brought you those relationships for a reason.
So, about a race…
It all started at 3:30am Saturday morning. I got up to head to a tri club open water swim clinic at Lake Mead (exceptional!) where I got some really great pointers on some things I struggle with in the water, especially on siting with my RX goggles and some siting wonkiness that I run into.
After that I headed into Las Vegas for the day to spend some time with a friend that I finally got to meet face-to-face after well over a decade! Through the miracles of modern technology we “met” prior to entering seminary and were in the same class, just in different territories in the USA–she enjoys a good racecation too and had decided on making her 3rd marathon out here in Vegas, I couldn’t pass up the chance to hang out! I wasn’t up to run a marathon this year, but I told her earlier this year I would do the half marathon race.
Oh, did I fail to mention this race was at midnight? At Area 51?
I’ll spare you the blow-by-blow of the entire 13.1, because, boy, it was U-G-L-Y. I’m not exaggerating. Results-wise this was absolutely my worst race ever. However, I’m extremely proud of this race because I didn’t quit. I had several opportunities to quit, but I didn’t–I crossed that finish line with 13.1 miles under my feet that were physically and mentally finished.
How can I be proud of something that was so completely awful? Because of everything that I overcame. Let’s break it down:
I’m sure there’s more that I’m choosing to blank out, and that’s okay–it’s not about the negatives, it’s about the lessons learned and the end result: I didn’t quit. I don’t want to be the girl that quits. The weekend prior, I had a crappy bike ride with a friend…more than just a training ride, it was nice to to get out and blow off some steam. However, I failed to mention some important facts about my physical state that day, and again, probably could’ve/should’ve quit because when I got into trouble, I couldn’t find the words to describe what I was feeling was wrong with me. No good. I know better than to do stupid crap, but I’m tired of falling short–and I feel like that’s all I’ve done in so many things this year across every arena. I need some wins. I want to keep pushing. I want to be brave.
I have a Specialized bikes poster on my office wall that a friend gave me shortly after I got my bike that always seems to catch my eye when I’m dying another death standing at the scanner wasting my life away–it’s not necessarily the strong women cresting a climb on great bikes that draws my gaze, but the collection of words that sets my mind in motion.
Every time I set my eyes on this poster, my mind seems to come away with a different thought, inspiration, or motivation that gets my wheels turning. Yeah, we all know that can lead to trouble–HA!
In an effort to calm some of the stressors of my day, actually take a conscious break during the day at some point instead of plowing through (unless I actually go out to lunch with someone or have a lunch meeting, I continue working straight through the day–poor habit), and work on some recovery and flexibility more consistently, my coach and I have agreed to add in some short midday yoga. This gives me a chance to close my office door (gasp!) and have 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to focus on my body, how it feels, and moving it in ways that feels good and to make it feel better.
Yesterday as I was doing “Yoga in Couchlandria” (gotta love The Sufferfest), I gazed up at that poster from my position on the floor (yes, you can do yoga on the floor in dress pants!), and what jumped out at me from that poster on the wall was the word YET.
I don’t why this word took my breath away. No, I’m not being dramatic, like, literally took my breath away. I had to sit there for a second and bring my wits about it, wrap it up in a pretty package, store it away, so I could unpack it later. I’ve sat with this a bit and while initially it was a disconcerting idea, I kind of like this little three letter cheerleader.
As a conjunction, the word “yet” means “but nevertheless.”
In other less tactful terms, “haters, pull up a chair and get comfy–I’m not finished.” (But since y’all know me, you there’s a timeline 😉 duh!)
It’s been a roller coaster few months with so much more than I publicize on social media personally and professionally. Don’t believe your perceptions either…not 100% of my social media, strava, or garmin is completely public either. Filters exist for a reason and I’m happy to chat about those various reasons at any time–I’m completely open about it, 99% of the time it’s simply out of self preservation from the keyboard warriors I have zero tolerance for (and in the case of strava and garmin, I don’t post 100% of my workouts because they are not my creation. Buy a training plan, get a coach, or create your own). Life happens in the midst of our best laid plans and we roll with it. The things I can control, great, do it. The things I can’t, adapt and conquer. I’ve got finish lines to hit, baby! LV tri 70.3, Goldilocks 100 both this fall…oh, and Oceanside 2020 is locked in–I’ve got unfinished business with that red carpet. The rest of 2020 is going to be pretty epic too…there’s going to be two more jaw-droppers in there too, still working the logistics out there before I post the race schedule–stay tuned!
Not sure what the deal is…I’ve had a number of things pop in my path connecting thoughts to finish some unwritten pieces and other ideas just need to come out, but I’m not arguing with the need to get more thoughts out–I know I’ve neglected this blog and I miss writing. It’s a place of centering, learning, and good self review. Wherever the inspiration is coming from, I’m not arguing.
I came across this blog post earlier this morning as I was hitting my various headlines across my different readers for the day: https://blog.myfitnesspal.com/how-identifying-as-an-athlete-changed-my-relationship-with-food/
As bizarre as it sounds, I appreciate reading other people’s journeys with food. It helps me to realize that even the most “normal” and “popular” among us have had to come to terms with food, eating, nutrition, nourishment, fuel, satisfaction, craving, satiety, and so much more on their own terms (and YES! all of those things are VERY different things!).
My journey with food has been a rocky one…obviously. You don’t hit massive weights well over 400-some-odd pounds because you and food have a good relationship. I’ve spent a lot of years thinking I was “correcting” that relationship through dieting, when in effect I was further harming not only my body, but my mind as well. Once I realized the problem, however, it didn’t mean then I was able to fix it…I’ve had a diagnosed eating disorder for 12 years and have pursued professional care for it the last ten years off and on. So why is it that it takes until January 2015 for me to realize my life was a mess? Well…I can’t answer that question. It is what it is.
God works in His timing. As my husband says, He’s the perfect gentleman. God isn’t going to force anything on us that we’re not ready for, willing to pursue, going to carry out, or follow through. I don’t have regret for the past–absolutely not–the past creates who we are, but I do realize the amount of pain that I still carry around and the enormity of so many different past events, situations, relationships, and facets of life that collided in the perfect storm at just the right time to create that sense of urgency in my complacency to seek out the journey of change that needed–and will need to continue ad infinitum–to occur.
So what does any of this have to do with food? So much!
If you’ve paid attention for all of five minutes, you know by now my tolerance level for diets is nil the more I dig deeper into evidence-based science (my brain hurts a lot, medical studies are really heady to read–but if you know me I’m not spouting anything I got from realfarmacy or any other clickbait). I ascribe to a mind-body health approach called Intuitive Eating, coined by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. It is NOT a diet. It is NOT a weight loss program. It’s essentially trusting your body to let you know what it needs. And that’s about the furthest explanation I’m going to launch into in my own text outside of actual face-to-face conversation because I don’t want my words twisted–this concept gets soooo misconstrued, misunderstood, and turned into something it’s not. I beg of you, don’t Google it–go to the original source: https://www.intuitiveeating.org/what-is-intuitive-eating-tribole/ (or actually read the book, Intuitive Eating, by Tribole and Resch–the workbook is amazing too, or get your information from an actual certified IE practitioner).
Intuitive Eating is hard. It’s not a perfect equation. I have over 30 years of screwed up diets in my head (remember, I was 5 when I was put on my first diet) to deprogram, so it’s extremely hard for me to trust what my body is telling me. Yes, you read that correctly. I realize how messed up it is to say that I can’t trust what my own body signals are telling me. A lot of that is the mental component of my eating disorder that still plays havoc in my head. It is embarrassing to admit that at almost 40 years old I have to place painstaking intentional effort in identifying the very basic ideas of if I am hungry or satisfied or what my body might need at a given moment because I was so checked out of it for soooooo many years.
Food isn’t just about eating–it’s about emotions, situations, life, relationships, people, and so much more. It’s messy. You have to muck through a lot more than figuring out how to simply sustain your being. While working on my relationship with IE, I was blessed to stumble into a year-long course with an amazing certified IE practitioner that encompassed a lot more than just that into her curriculum, and I continue to remain active in that community. Support and accountability are important. But, eating disorders are tricky wickets…I can eat intuitively all I want, but there will always be triggers to those behaviors waiting in the wings to strike. I need to be aware of that and how to cope, deal, manage, and get past it so it doesn’t envelope me–but life happens, it’s not perfect.
Now, throw endurance sports into this mix. That’s where this article above got my wheels turning this morning. Athletes have to be so hyper aware of their bodies and how to fuel it for performance, and at the purest form, just to make it go! This is something that as I’ve increasingly bumped up further into the big leagues, I’ve slammed my body into even bigger walls. Praise Jesus for pros that I’ve been able to trust with my journey. I’ve been able to develop relationships beyond the surface so these people not only understand the variables that affect my performance, but they know the why that creates the variables so it’s never dismissed as something irrelevant. I’m seen as a person.
I often get DMs and emails because people can’t wrap their minds around the whole picture (heck, some days I can’t) that I don’t diet yet I can be an athlete conscious of how I fuel my body. Please keep asking me questions–I am a (relatively) open book and I will answer to the best of my ability, or send you to the best sources of the answer that I know! But here’s some of the most popular questions I get to hopefully make some of those ends meet:
Wow…this post really went out into the weeds. Let’s see if I can circle back (probably not, but let’s give it a shot). We all have our unique struggles with food beyond controlling the end of the fork–it’s not that simple sometimes. In my last post I talked my gratitude for the people in my path, and I guess as those faces were filtering through my mind I was thinking of all the tangible folks that I see/chat/talk with on a semi-regular basis…but I have to think here about all of those that have an impact of just this little part of it all and how far reaching they are–from a different part of the state to literally each corner of the nation, and they are all there for support, love, and learning. They see things in my that I cannot see in myself to help bring out my best self–the person that God created me to be. Just as the author above was changed by the word athlete…it’s not absorbed into my mind wholly, but I get that.
(Who doesn’t like bacon?)
…Because why Kevin Bacon when you can have RDJ? Mmm…
I’ve voluntarily picked up the phone today to call some of the very small list of people my cold, dead heart (actually, more appropriately phrased, social anxiety) allows me to carry on a coherent conversation of longer than 30 seconds with and all I’ve gotten is voicemails, so I’m feeling a bit, well, eh…so instead of actually finishing some of the half written rants I’ve got saved here in my blog drafts, I’m going to flip it around a bit.
We all have some concept of the “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” (if not, Google is your friend), or in this case, RDJ, because he’s just way hotter, but I digress. As I’ve walked this journey the last few years, the people that God has placed in my path is absolutely not by coincidence. Granted, I’m no closer to being chummy with Tony Stark…or am I? Mmm… but…the people that have come into my path are nothing short of one of my greatest blessings.
I’m not a joiner. I never have been. It’s not in my DNA. At the outset of this journey I made the commitment to God that it was wherever He led, I would be obedient. Now, I never promised it would be without any kicking or screaming, but I would be obedient. There’s that quote that “growth never happens inside your comfort zone.” I have no idea where my comfort zone even exists anymore because I’ve been out of it for so long, I forget what it feels like! However, outside of my comfort zone has brought me to groups, people, and relationships that I have never before experienced in my life and I absolutely contribute their impact on my life to the growth and changes that have occurred.
So how does this happen? Sure, I had to take the chance to show up initially–whether it was a service club or networking event or support group or whatever–but just like those small goals I pursue daily have a snowball effect, all of those little actions and relationships have a HUGE ripple effect. I tried to chart it out (yes, linear thinker, sorrynotsorry) and actually count the people that have made an impact on me in some way the last few years–big or small–and I had to stop because it became so overwhelming because of how one group would splinter into another group or relationship with another person or contact and the tangible impact on my life professionally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and/or mentally is completely beyond what I can wrap my mind around.
The gratitude I have for these people can’t possibly be put into words. They are people that would have probably never crossed my path in any other way unless I took the first step, but the relationships that have been formed are without question some of the most meaningful pieces of my life. Not only have many of these people contributed to my life in great and small ways, made me think, learn, and grow in ways I never have before–but they have been there as a listening ear and people I’ve been able to be transparent with, and share those parts of me and my story that few know. They listen. Some pray for me. And in return, I’m blessed with those relationships that reciprocate too and I get those bits and pieces of their story. I am trusted with their struggle. I don’t take that trust lightly, as I know how hard it is to trust.
As one of the most introverted people in the world, I often “feel” lonely. There’s a lot of barriers inside my head to get past to reach out and ask a question, ask for help, even just talk. I “know” all of the people that are there, I do, but sometimes opening my mouth (or message) is the most difficult move to ever make. However, several years ago I never would have even had these people in my life–I would have pushed them away, or never even had the exposure to create the relationships with them in the first place.
So…I may not be best buds with the original Ironman in my pursuit of 140.6 (the irony is not lost on me), but if you know RDJ, I wouldn’t be opposed to a meet and greet–in the meantime, I’m just going to bask in the gratitude I have for the relationships I have that surround me today.
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Tony Stark, shall we?
Nike has been in my social media feeds a lot over the past week, and several people have sent me the various articles excitedly asking me, “have you seen this?!” like I’m supposed to be happy over the perceived bone Nike has thrown fat women.
At first, I was neutral on the matter. If you have no clue what I’m talking about, you can google the articles on your own, but I’m not linking any of them because all that I’ve read have some form of bias I’m not totally comfortable linking to myself, but essentially Nike has gone and unveiled plus-sized mannequins in their stores. Big deal.
Sorry, I can’t get excited over this. It’s not a sign of solidarity, it’s not a movement of inclusion, it’s not a signal to the market to say, “hey, we see you and we’re going to do better”–nope, it’s just a flashpoint marketing scheme to drum up a bit of business and will die away soon.
Remember how excited everyone got back when Nike announced they were releasing extended sizes in their sportswear? Uhhh….have you actually looked at what portion of Nike’s sportswear collection those extended sizes encompass? Sure, there’s some extended sizes in Nike that women can obtain, but you can’t walk into a Nike store or go online and simply find the vast selection of sportswear lines you are seeking in a variety of sizes. Shallow promise at best that Nike was going to “do better for women.”
Now that this newest revelation with the mannequin has been released out into the market, we of course have those coming back with backlash articles spouting trash like Nike is promoting obesity, that “why would someone that size even want to dress like that because they wouldn’t have the mobility to even run” (paraphrased, but that was a quote from an article this morning), and other not so eloquent language used toward fat women.
See, while I think this whole move by Nike was simply a marketing ploy for a teeny tiny part of their market and I don’t particularly care to feed into that side of it (but sadly am by the sheer fact of saying anything), the backlash is the part that butters my biscuit. People come in all shapes and sizes. That’s just a reality of life. At the end of the day, no matter how much weight I lose or don’t lose/my body changes in size, and how toned my body gets, I will never be a size 2. It’s not how my body was created. Sure, I’ve got a smaller upper body, but sweetheart, I’ve got thighs and booty for daysssss and that’s life. At some point the world is going to have to release this stronghold of thin privilege and realize that it’s not obesity glorification, but simply an acknowledgment that there might simply be someone out there that doesn’t look like YOU, and that not everyone has to look like you in order to be “healthy” or “fit.”
Clothes are designed to fit bodies. ALL bodies in some manner. It shouldn’t be a chore (and boy, let me tell you…it’s been an adventure) to find the appropriate sportswear to fit my body at all the sizes it’s been so far–because why would someone when they were over 435lbs need sportswear that’s moisture wicking? (Dude…I seriously worked out in cotton clothing until I lost my first probably 50-75lbs because I couldn’t find anything appropriate several years ago. OUCH!). Gratefully, I’m able now to have done the footwork so I can send men and women of all sizes in the right direction so they don’t have to be as frustrated as I was finding the clothes to fit their bodies to be able to the things that they want to do.
I don’t need a mannequin in a showroom to show me a limited line of clothing–what I need is more inclusionary clothing for men and women on the market for all sizes and price points so people aren’t so paralyzed in taking the next step to move their bodies in whatever way feels good to them. Sorry Nike, I get it, you tried…but not quite.
Rant Over. Oh, and Happy Monday!
(You had to be there)
Now take a deep breath.
This past weekend I had the most amazing experience fall into my lap, or as was repeated many times this weekend, nothing happens in life by coincidence. I was able to attend a women’s empowerment conference (I know, right? More on that in a sec) and leap LIGHT YEARS out of my comfort zone and spend a little bit of time to help film some promotional material for the company hosting the event (okay, after experiencing this weekend, I almost hate to call it a company, as their passion truly is a bigger movement–but, at the end of the day, it is a company). Oh, and probably worth saying at some point, this blog is all my personal opinion–while I voluntarily helped them tape some promo stuff this weekend, I am not in any way bound to this company or sponsored by them thereof…but hey, willing to consider offers–this girl goes through running tights and sports bras like no tomorrow and lives on a budget!
The company: Grrrl. Full disclosure–I didn’t know a lot about them until a few months ago, and as those that know me, I do my homework before diving in. The tagline on their website is “our clothes won’t change the world the women who wear them will.” I encourage you to read their “about us” (the WHOLE) thing at https://www.grrrl.com/about-us/. It’s a good read. They’re also an open book and very easy to talk to. Now, some of y’all that know me know that I struggle with different “women’s empowerment” movements because they do it at the expense of alienating another group of people (ie: my biggest pet peeve, those groups that bastardize men in order to further a women’s agenda…c’mon, stop and think for a half a second how many men are allies for women too…let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water). Grrrl gets it. When Grrrl says inclusive, they mean INCLUSIVE–and they show it in every action they take through their education, online communities, and how they are interacting with the world. I felt comfortable giving this opportunity a chance (well, as comfortable as the world’s biggest introvert can be showing up to face a few hundred strangers and be asked to place themselves in many vulnerable positions through the teachings and workshops), and I’m glad I did. It may take me until the next go-round of this event in 2021 to process everything I’ve taken away from the weekend.
This conference was jam packed from early morning until evening with so much information that even after coming home and sleeping in my own bed, I feel like my brain is still on overload. Each morning started with an optional workout class, I opted for the yoga class both days. I’m not a super fan of live yoga classes (love my Sufferfest!), but hands down this was the best live yoga I’ve ever attended. If I ever have the opportunity, I would attend this instructor’s class in Vegas when I was in the area. She was amazing. Even had a yoga breakthrough in class! My upper body strength is awful, and I usually I end up modifying positions that place weight or weight and movement on that part of the body. I was really was really into it, and all of a sudden, I realized I had walked my arms back from downward dog into forward fold when my hands were just lying there on my feet! OMG! There was almost cheering from the back corner of the room–I was really proud of myself. So, maybe all that swimming and Suf Strength is paying off…I love my shoulders, and I have biceps and triceps now (the triceps are there if you feel them, they’re just in the padding protection program thanks to all the weight loss saggy baggy skin, cue eyeroll)…the rest of my upper body, well, it needs to catch up. (now will my swim splits please start to reflect this?)
The speakers…Oh, I could talk about the speakers all day long. The weekend was filled with speakers that spoke about honesty, perspective, service, gratitude, laughter, nutrition (mindful eating–Praise sweet Baby Jesus there wasn’t a single word mentioned about diets/dieting/harmful diet culture crap, I might have started a riot, and this was probably the audience I’d have a few to back me up, LOL), stress, personal development, self defense, human trafficking and exploitation, learning to love your body, public speaking/presenting workshops (oohhh…I’m following up with that presenter, I even went to her breakout session), awareness and acceptance, assertiveness, balance, self belief, action….oh my goodness, there was even more than that if I had my program in front of me. There was even several workshops on things like powerlifting, Highland Games, thyroid imbalance, etc….but I tried to choose the ones that would be most beneficial not only to my personal journey, but to the ministry and programs I lead too–oh, I have enough in my head now for the next century to go off in the weeds with!
Right now, it’s time for me to catch my breath and unpack everything my brain sponged up this weekend–so much content in a short amount of time, so many people, so much vulnerability around many of the topics. I’m toasted. Introversion aside, just my social anxiety and the sheer enormity of it all kept me away from some of the evening parties. It might of been easier had I had at least one person I knew there to suction cup myself to, but I was grateful to stay off-site in a space all my own, and even at lunch to have the freedom to get away and leave the casino to decompress from the crowds in a quiet place.
Nothing happens in life by coincidence…I was right where I needed to be this weekend for a reason. I’ve talked about it before not only in this blog, but on countless social media posts the insecurities I have about a lot of different things–my body as it has changed as I’ve lost weight, understanding and accepting my potential and capabilities as an athlete, even the very basics of my worth as a human being and a child of God.
I’ve talked before when giving my testimony on how I felt at the very beginning of this journey that I was a hypocrite, that I would counsel others in what they could/should do, but I wasn’t living my life that way, so I made changes. Here we are over four years later and I’m a completely different person inside and out that I’m still getting to know. I’m literally physically, mentally, and spiritually healthier, fitter, and smaller than I’ve ever been post-puberty and I find myself back in that same position of feeling that hypocrisy. Sure, I can affirm facts–I’m strong, I’m this, I’m that…but do I honestly and truly believe in myself? Do I love myself (and not in the hokey kind of way)? No. No, I do not….but yet I can stand up and tell everyone else that they need to. (case and point, my last workshop presentation–see last post and my awful cell phone video) Hypocrite.
I don’t say this to flog myself, to shame myself, but it is to admit a reality the the work that still needs to be done. Goals. I’ll get there. But it’s not an overnight job. Spiritual, physical, and mental/emotional goals–working on myself holistically. It’s a never ending process, but as I’ve learned over the last four years…the expanse of resources, accountability, help, and just the right people at just the right time are exactly where they have needed to be. #igotgoals
(And apparently that is my mean face when my glasses are taken from me and I’m desperately trying to figure out where the camera lens is, LOL. My RX sunglasses that I ran in for the taping were a little too branded for the up-close shots)
Hey, long time no post! Yeah…we’ll get there. Site updates/upgrades still under construction too (no pun intended…seriously), because I have all the time and patience in the world–HA! You can pretty well keep up with my life and the goings-on over in instagram world @futureformerfatpaster (www.instagram.com/futureformerfatpastor). I have made some changes and my Facebook is private now and I am screening requests differently. If you have questions regarding FB, send me a message privately and we can chat.
I did promise I would upload the accompanying PowerPoint from a women’s ministry workshop I presented this last weekend, and well, this is the best platform I can think of to do so. *Assuming* I did it correctly, I’ve uploaded the PowerPoint and you can download it by clicking here:
If you would like to watch the god-awful cell phone video shot at the most unflattering angle, completely amateur trimmed and edited to remove certain comments/questions to preserve the anonymity of the group, you can view it here:
Yes…it’s time to up my tech game. Tell me something I don’t know.