War of Change

Yes, we’re talking Thousand Foot Krutch.

I feel it in my veins, it’s not going away–everything’s about to change.

It’s an established fact change and I don’t get along.  And I’m a head-game champion.  I’m back wrestling with one that I had hoped was laid to rest before, but it’s back with a touch different slant this time.

Talking myself out of success.

Once again, I stand on the cusp of a goal benchmark and doubt creeps in.  Can I do it?  What if I fail?  You’re not good enough…you’re not this…you’re not that…What happens if I can’t do it? …and a whole other list of questions that reveal much more of my humanness than I care to utter to anyone but God.

I realize in my rational mind that this line of thinking is crazy–that first of all, failure wouldn’t kill me, but also–why would I fail?  In this instance, I’ve completed a half marathon already, I’ve done the training, I’ve prepared, and while every race obviously is different–I know what to expect, I have my plan that’s been modified from the mistakes I made the first time.  Logically, I’m ready–let’s rock it.  But…doubt…darn it.

I would love to figure out how to erase this cycle of negative self talk.  While I can markedly show progress in this arena, it’s still a daily battle that I struggle with–I think almost more than diet and exercise and other physical disciplines.

I spend a lot of time pouring my heart out and getting real with God on this topic because it’s really hard to talk to people about, and often it seems like a one-sided God conversation because I don’t feel like I am getting many answers from Him yet (but I know I will when the time is right…patience, another lacking virtue).  While many people can identify on some level–whether they choose to admit it or not–I think we all work through this in our own way.  I’ve pretty much quit talking about it in face-to-face conversation because many well meaning people just seem to come back with similar platitudes that just crawl under my skin.

I have goals.  I want to move forward.  As much as I hate change, I know change is necessary–I need change in my life, and it needs to be change from within.  It frustrates me very much that I want the answers so very, very badly and earnestly seek it and it’s not wrapped up in a pretty bow waiting for me.  And I’m sorry, it’s not Philippians 4:13…stop pulling it out of context! Please!

I usually come to the point in my frustration when I realize–there’s too many “I”‘s.  I’m trying to figure it all out again.

Not my job.

It’s God’s job.  Nowhere in my job description as child of the Most High does it include Triune God.  I’m overstepping again.  God knows–I keep repeating it.  Over, and over, and over in prayer.  He’s working on it.  I need to trust and allow the change to happen in His time.

I still don’t have the answers.  I don’t know how to shut down my mind and quiet the chatter that tries to steal my joy and I hate that…because I know exactly how this plays out: I sit here and Jekyll & Hyde it in my mind until I cross the start line when the endorphins kick in, have an amazing 13.1 with whatever may occur and I just take it how it comes, and celebrate the sheer elation at the finish.  The intelligent side of me knows that…wish the rest of my head could get on board.  This should be an exciting weekend to enjoy and celebrate the accomplishments of a family member and myself with this race, I don’t want to waste it in a cycle of doubt and self hatred in my head.  Ugh.

Overthinking at its finest.  I’d like my straight jacket in pink sparkles please!


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