More of life terrifies me that I let on. Or maybe I’m just really bad at hiding it and everyone else is too polite to say anything. I’m cool with it either way.
I’ve been spinning my wheels on a couple goals lately and while I was doing some reading and praying this morning it hit me between the eyes on what has been holding me back: fear.
I’m not used to being successful. I’m not used to accomplishing my goals. I’ve met so many goals and milestones over the last couple years (yeah, it already feels weird to say couple years–can you believe 1/23 will mark two years since this craziness of turning it all over to God because I was tired of my personal pity party?) that it is very overwhelming for me to look at in its entirety because I can’t comprehend just how incredible it all has been.
I have learned so much…about God, myself, others, life, stuff. I feel like I am at a more teachable point than I have ever been in life, that I’m just absorbing so much of what is around me–and what I’m exposing myself to is the right things–what is meant for me at this point in God’s plan for my life. The right people, places, and things. I don’t believe any of it is a mistake.
I’m starting to feel safe. For good reason, there’s many things that sends my mind into high alert, distrust, question-mode, cynicism, and general negativity…it’s just the “stuff” that accompanies some of the experiences that I have had to walk through in life. I think I honestly have forgotten what it’s like to let my guard down. I might be starting to remember. I am learning to breathe again…and it’s good to exhale.
I don’t have the magic answer to ridding myself of the fear that I carry in my life on so many different levels. Yes, there’s different ways to tackle and deal with it, and I do in some ways…some healthier and more productive than others, but hey, work in progress over here.
During a difficult workout, I always repeat to myself, “I can do anything for 30 minutes” or X amount of time, distance, whatever it may be–I can trick myself into handling life. I can tell myself that all I need to do is make it through the next…fill in the blank. And life will go on. And it usually does.
By doing this, I’m not living by the seat of my pants–quite the opposite really, I’m giving up my will to the knowledge of God’s creation. He built it, He imagined it, He planned it, He’s got the whole big picture–so let’s let Him drive for a little while. It’s surrender. I just suit up and show up and let Him do the work in me. I’m the one doing the footwork.
I’ve talked about the discomfort zone before, and I’m happy to take up residence there–I like the change it had brought about in my life so far and I’m truly fascinated to see where it takes me next. In the meantime, I’ll still be working on and praying on the fear, but also starting to let in that fresh air that’s sneaking in around me too…
Happy New Year–may it bring whatever it is that you seek.