As I was flipping to a clean page in my journal this morning, my eyes landed on a quote from a book that I read a few months ago. I needed to see it again. I needed the reminder. The quote is from Justin Slater’s book, “Blood, Sweat, and Shame: Confessions of an Ultra Marathon Fat Guy,” and it says this…
“Besides, if I give up now, the terrorists would win.”
His reference to terrorists is the demons in our mind that talk us out of our greatness–our potential–from reaching our goals. Short, simple, concise. I’ll admit, I’ve been dancing instead of battling with my terrorists recently.
It’s been a rough couple months inside my mind. There’s been a lot going on around me that’s required my focus and energy and I’ve allowed it to be an excuse to take the focus off my priorities. And I’ve paid the price. While much good has been done and God’s work has been done, it’s been at a price to my body and mind and I lost a bit of sight of the balance that I’ve worked so hard with God’s leading to maintain.
But here’s the cool part and I can see the transformation that has taken place in my life too–I’m not in a place of guilt or beating myself up. I can rationally look at the mistakes I’ve made, the conditions that are out of my control, lay it all at the foot of the cross, allow God to pick up the pieces, and move on from right where I’m at. So, here’s the run down of where I’m at:
Physically: Next half marathon is 19 days away! I’m nervous because training has been different this time around, and nutrition has been off (but not awful) for a couple weeks, but I have time to reel the food component back in beforehand…but I’m also so very excited for this race. As an early Christmas gift I also started working with a personal trainer for a few months, so I’m interested to see how that affects my running too. My body overall is quite weary–I have not slept well for a couple months and my physical body is starting to protest it, it’s not something I can control, so I think ultimate shut down might be on the horizon and I can finally rest…I pray so. That blasted scale, ugh. Still teetering down ounce by ounce instead of pound by pound, but that’s okay…I’m losing inches. While I’m not losing as much weight as quickly as I was, I’m losing clothing sizes much more than I was before, so there’s still progress happening. I have to remind myself of that.
Mentally: I’m all over the place. My mind has been getting the better of me and the lies that I believe have been playing at a higher volume than normal. For some reason I’ve had a lot of past scenarios and sin playing through in my mind, that has been bogging down valuable head space I could be using more productively. Why dwell on what’s been forgiven and redeemed? Clearly an indicator that I’m not relying on God and trying to rely on my own strength…we all know where that gets me. I’m tired. My mind plays tricks on me.
Spiritually: God and I have been having a lot of urgent sessions lately. My heart is weary. In the midst of this holiday season there has been a lot of bad news that has affected people in our community, family, and those around us. Much of the time I have felt powerless and have had to turn to the power and comfort of the only source I know that can truly bring peace in the chaos. It’s felt like a lonely fight…I know it isn’t, but I’m entitled to my feelings too.
While some of this sounds like a downer (okay, a lot of this sounds really negative), I’m actually really torqued right now too as I sat in prayer this morning and journaled after stumbling on the above quote. The goals currently in progress are pretty amazing and I’m fascinated as they unfold because they are bringing me to a time and place and person that I’ve never met before–to continue becoming the woman of God that God has always intended me to be, that I’ve stood in the way of being. There’s so much joy in the journey–I’ve said it before, not everyday is sunshine and roses, there’s rain and spilled coffee (the horror!) too, but there’s lessons and grace in it all–the good, bad, and downright ugly. So even when things don’t line up pretty and logical like I prefer them to, I need to trust that it’s all happening in accordance the plans of the One greater than I. And when my obedience remains there, the terrorists never win. Don’t quit today.