Let’s Get Real

It may be the cycle of poor quality sleep lately or a temporary lapse of sanity, either is completely plausible, but the truth serum seems to be kicking in and I feel a bout of honesty coming through my fingers to the keyboard…

I’ve used this platform before to share that not everyday is sunshine and roses on this journey.  One of my major struggles is insecurity.  While some of my goals have and currently do revolve in the area of building up my confidence and self-esteem, which historically has been in the toilet, I have made some progress…but it’s a long road.  I still have a long way to go.  I still feel like most days I “fake it until I make it”–and that’s okay.

I had a friend ask me that while, yes, I still have more weight to lose, why I am still so insecure about my appearance.  I could make a list a mile long…God and I are still working on that transforming of the mind part. So what is it that I see?

Call it vanity run amok, and don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon at the weight I’ve lost…but no one talks about the negative consequences that large amounts of weight loss has on the body.  There is no amount of strength training or toning workouts or magic lotions or wrap that can heal sagging skin at this level.

It’s life.  There’s not a whole lot I can do about it short of surgery…but that’s an elective (read: not covered by medical insurance) procedure that I’m not even sure we could ever begin to afford (okay, that’s a lie, we could if we saved for a few years I’m sure, but I’m not sure I want to be that selfish with our money).  That’s also down the road too, I wouldn’t consider it until I met my goal weight and maintained it for a little while…I think…there’s a few factors that play into it too that *might* make it medically necessary at some point.

My weight has always been strangely distributed, and I’ve never had a huge gut, so my sagging skin plague is limited to my upper arms and my thighs.  For years I never wore sleeveless shirts, but living on the face of the sun and slowly learning not to give a rip has changed that.  I’m not so much embarrassed by the appearance of my upper arms, admittedly not pretty, but the bad part about it is the last several months the weight of the skin sagging actually pulls on my neck and shoulders causing me pain…that’s on the agenda for my next doctor visit because as much as I love a good visit to the chiropractor, I’d like to prevent the issue in the first place.  It’s only days when I exercise (so most days) that are an issue, especially running days, because the repetitive movement is killer, but…what can ya do? Compression sleeves are my friend…

And my thighs…oh my thighs…rather, I should say my saggy knees.  It’s just weird to look at.  Y’all don’t need that tragic tale…let’s just leave it at the fact that as much as I hate tight clothing, compression running tights are my friend as well.

I’m not sure where I was going with this one when I started writing it a couple weeks ago, but as I sit here exhausted today with the speed of life as of late, with new muscles reminding me of their existence thanks to some new exercises with my trainer and I am grateful to God for the ability to be transparent.  I don’t think I would’ve admitted these “dark and shameful” insecurities before, but sitting here reading my words is telling to me.  It’s scary to put yourself out there and be honest–fear of judgment is real.  It’s a hard reminder that the only judge I need to keep my eyes fixed on is the One leading me right through this journey of greater wellness, discovery, and learning.  It’s good stuff.  Maybe coming out from behind the facade isn’t so scary…

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