The Poison of Overthinking

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, do you ever wish that you could turn off your mind?  Or maybe it’s just a way God is using to keep Him as first priority in my endeavors, that I haven’t “arrived”…as in all things, we continue to grow and change, all with the end mark to bring honor and glory to Him. (or at least that’s hopefully what we’re striving for)

So this time around, it started out like this…we decided to take a family picture on Thanksgiving because we got all dolled up to go out to eat.

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There you have it, pictorial evidence that we can dress ourselves presentably. I love this photo.  In fact, once my husband uploaded it off our camera and I saw it, I actually mentally ticked off a couple things about myself that I actually liked:

  • My ankles are coming out of hiding!  No, I don’t have super toned legs yet, and I am wearing heels of a fair height, but I don’t want to puke at the appearance
  • My tan line (You have to look close because, yes, I’m still quite casper-y on purpose, but mid-shin, that’s a tan line–and I earned that puppy putting in the miles because that would only be there from running tights)
  • My hem lines are subconsciously rising and I’m not mad about it.  It makes me self conscious to think about because of my greatest self consciousness issues (pending blog on that, stay tuned…still writing that one).  I’ll never be one to rock a miniskirt simply due to my personal modesty, but at my age, yes, a knee-length skirt is appropriate and should not feel like an embarrassment

For a hot second, I got a little excited that I could look at a picture and pick out things about myself that didn’t make me want to gag.  Usually my first thoughts when I look at any photo is the laundry list of negatives, and yeah, those came too…the more I saw this photo, I saw how thin my hair was and it made me sad because I so desperately wish it would grow longer (eventually I’d like it close to my waist…if it would ever grow), I see the pounds still left to lose–though I know it won’t happen overnight, patience has never been my virtue–even though I know they’ll come off as I keep on the straight and narrow, I see several other things that draw out the demons of my mind that I can drag out all day long and it can ruin even the best of moods.

I started to think about this (again, overthinking) and since I couldn’t come up with any answers and had a hard time wrestling and laying this one down at the cross that this is something that God is using right now.  I have some major trust issues, understandably if you added up the circumstances that feed into them…and I have a hard time taking things at face value.  Especially good things.  I’m always holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop–like I’m not good enough for good things to happen to me.  I can’t accept a compliment, it’s a very awkward thing for me…my complete and utter social ineptness is truly astounding.  I try to hide it, not well, but I do.  Anyway…there has to be that switch somewhere where I can look at a photo, see the good, and just move on…that it doesn’t turn to the negative and I camp out there.  Where is the switch?  How does it work? Heck if I know.

So once again, I find myself on my face, asking God to shut off my thoughts so there’s room for His.  I need His mind and His thoughts because it’s far better than the lies I’ve managed to fill my head with.  One of these days, it will happen–and in the meantime, I’ll just immerse myself with the truth I can get my hands on tangibly as I wait upon the Lord, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

And that’s good enough to grow on from here.

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