Stephanie Under Construction Blog

I’ve always promised myself that I would write about the good, bad, and ugly on this blog, so that someday when I look back, I can look at all the different bumps and curves in the road that God has brought me through in this wellness journey.  I’m not gonna lie…I’ve been struggling the last few weeks.  My “why” isn’t sparking the same motivation and drive of commitment as it has and this is an indicator to me that I probably need to make some changes…that I’m falling into a rut. On top of it all, I’ve had a few more migraines than normal, which doesn’t really inspire the effort for exercise and healthy eating.  All that said, I did have a successful week of vacation with positive choices and active activities, so that was a bit of a boost.

I’ve been really digging in the depths of my mind on what’s got me in this funk…initially trying to blame external circumstances and people, but then getting honest with myself, I was just making excuses to avoid the fact that some of my defects of character–mostly pride and control–have been cropping up.  It never ceases to amaze me how I can twist reality in my mind, it truly is an art form, but never works in my favor.  We’ve got something happening professionally where we’re relinquishing some control in an area, which is a great benefit for every party involved–we wholeheartedly believe in the changes and support it because we see the ultimate success of the endeavor…I “know” this and can see the concrete evidence that this situation is awesome, but my flippin’ crazy head wants to desperately cling to how things are. Insanity. Pure insanity. I’ve been praying hard for the ability to just let it go, along with my irrational and imaginary concerns, but it’s hard!

Along the same lines of insanity, I haven’t been as diligent with eating well and exercise, and yet I’m still expecting change.  Um, HELLO! Wake up! You don’t get results you don’t work for.  Old habits don’t create new bodies and certainly don’t contribute to godly living and thinking. And I refuse to lose any progress in this area, I’ve worked way to hard to lose weight–I will not allow myself to gain an ounce because of laziness.

So…here’s the plan to move forward and kick this rut to the curb.  Perfectly coinciding with the Lenten season, I’m using these forty days to try and shift to a simpler way of living.  Decluttering. Simple nutrition. Back to exercise basics.  Essentially some tough love with kid gloves.  I can see after a few knockdown drag out sessions wrestling with God in prayer the last several days trying to wrap my head around life, is that I have gone over the deep end in complicating almost every area of life…cramming too much in, striving for things that while permissible aren’t necessarily beneficial to me in the long run, and minding everyone else’s business but my own. I need some time to get my right focus back, and that’s to focus on God and His plans for me….not my agenda.

Hopefully this mindful and simpler approach will also start to leak over into my physical health and help me feel better, as I believe my physical ickyness/lethargy and increased migraines are likely not the result of a health problem, but a soul problem, and they too will resolve themselves quickly as well (but I’m not irresponsible either, I have a regular doctor visit next week and will mention it, but I’m not expecting an issue to be found there).

So, that’s where I’m at…dwelling in the ugly at the moment but moving toward light. Let’s just call this a tunnel on the journey.  Stay tuned.

I lied–and I’m pretty good at math.  Technically yes, there are four letters…but let’s get to the heart of the matter.

Dictionary.com defines “diet” as:

1. food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health: Milk is a wholesome article of diet.

2. a particular selection of food, especially as designed or prescribed to improve a person’s physical condition or to prevent or treat a disease: a diet low in sugar.

3. such a selection or a limitation on the amount a person eats for reducing weight: No pie for me, I’m on a diet.

4. the foods eaten, as by a particular person or group: The native diet consists of fish and fruit.

5. food or feed habitually eaten or provided: The rabbits were fed a diet of carrots and lettuce.

6. anything that is habitually provided or partaken of: Television has given us a steady diet of game shows and soap operas.

7. to regulate the food of, especially in order to improve the physical condition.

8. to feed.

9. to select or limit the food one eats to improve one’s physical condition or to lose weight: I’ve dieted all month and lost only one pound.

10. to eat or feed according to the requirements of a diet.

11. suitable for consumption with a weight-reduction diet: diet soft drinks.

There are 11, possibly infinite, uses of the word diet.  Honestly, most aren’t that negative.  When did the word “diet” begin to have such a negative connotation attached to it?

Diet is not a bad thing–as a noun, verb, or adjective.  It just is what it is.  It’s talking about food in relation to our consumption of it.  It drives me batty in conversation to have to choose my words carefully.  When talking about how I eat, I hate having to start out with the caveat that I’m not on a diet so the listener doesn’t tune out because they don’t want to hear about a diet plan.  Can we just knock off the negativity already?

Here’s what a typical conversation would start out…

“I’m not on a diet.  I eat any foods and all that I want to eat, but in proper portion and within reasonable healthy guidelines.  I have boundaries that I have placed in my food consumption to ensure healthy eating….” And the babbling continues on.

Here’s what I would like to say…

“My diet consists of portion controlled eating within reasonable guidelines and this is what it looks like…”  continuing on with succinct parameters that outline my healthy eating.

The problem is, in our PC culture, we don’t want to hear the word diet…it’s gotten a bad wrap.  It’s not a bad word folks!  Stop tuning people out when they use it!  When people ask what I’m doing to lose weight, generally they are genuinely interested in the answer.  If I use the word diet, I’m automatically tuned out…no one wants to hear that it’s a diet.  When I can’t use the word diet in a positive manner (ie: explaining personal food consumption as opposed to a restrictive diet plan), it makes me babble on.  I can’t get to the point.  I can’t give the honest, quick, and easy answer that people are looking for–my diet (positive connotation) is an easy concept to live with, but not if the listener tunes out because I’ve called it a diet (perceived negative connotation).

On the flipside of this, because of the often negative connotation that diet carries with it, I face statements like:

“I know you’re on a diet, so you can’t…”

“This will probably wreck your diet…”

“I thought you were on a diet…”

In conversation like this, I then have to quantify that, no, I’m not on a diet…and launch into the whole “this is what healthy eating looks like for me” spiel.  Waste. of. words.

Can we just get back to the basic premise of the word that diet is the gamut of foods we consume and embrace it for being a simple word that can be used in a large variety of ways–good, bad, or indifferent?  That would be great.  Thanks.  Rant Over.

Never allow me to give you the impression that everyday is rainbows and sunshine–we all know that’s not reality.  I struggle as much as the next person, and I have to renew my commitment to God, myself, and my health on a daily (if not minute-by-minute) basis.

We all have days where we want to eat everything in sight.

We all have days where we want to sit in our pajamas and not do a single thing.

We all have days where we want to lash out in anger and speak the words that spill off our tongue that haven’t filtered through common sense yet.

We all have rough days.

So did Jesus.  And He made it through without sin.

Can I? Not all days.  I’m not perfect.  And that’s okay.  On the days I fall short, I need to explore those shortcomings and examine my behavior–what could have been a better reaction?  Is there something I need to amend in this situation?  What can be done better next time?  What have I learned?

No one likes self-examination, it’s not fun.  We don’t like looking at the yucky stuff and the areas of ourselves that need a little bit of work still.  And I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s rough when you can see changes in people when they can handle things differently/better than they used to and you are still stuck in your old ways.

I had a situation last week where husband and I were blindsided with something unexpected.  He encountered it first, and came home and told me what happened and how he handled the situation.  I was really pleased to see that he had a constructive reaction to something where he had the potential to be ugly.  I, however, did not have as constructive of a reaction to the situation that he did…I went off my rails a bit, and while it was in the privacy of our home and just conversation between the two of us, I was ugly when I didn’t need to be.  I was a lot of different emotions and let those speak for me instead of stepping back and looking at the situation.  I went from boiling point to still simmering, but got smart enough to consult a wise friend on the situation who suggested a solution.  I knew that I was still too volatile to take the action, so I needed to let some time pass.  That evening, still rather worked up, I started to journal it out in a letter to God.  I was able, in three long pages, to work out my emotions in why I was so worked up and angry, find the things in me that felt threatened (not an easy admission), and also come to terms with the struggles that the other side of the situation may or may not face.  I can’t say that I was completely at peace at that point, but I was able to get out of my head and be present again in current reality, taking responsibility for my feelings and actions.

The next morning I was in a (mostly) better frame of mind to take the action that my wise friend suggested, and that was hard–to state the facts as facts and (mostly) keep my emotions out of it.  I took the action, and then I had to let it drop.  I had to come to conscious realization that I had done everything I could do in the situation and passed it along to where it would be handled appropriately.  Now was a time for choices–I could continue to dwell on it, or let it go.  I would love to tell you I let it go completely, but I can say that my thoughts and feelings about the situation diminished and while it took a couple days, I came to a point of acceptance.  The situation had the potential to still affect us, but even if it did, we had done all we could and should do, and whatever happened would happen.

Here’s the other side of this too…with my personality, I have the capacity to take the simple situations and have them complicate every area of my life.  While something is taking up real estate in my mind, it also has other consequences like making me think I’m hungry when I’m not, trick me into justifying food choices I don’t need to be making, and a whole host of other “stuff.”  Essentially, wanting to harm someone else by taking the poison myself.

So, here’s my take away from the situation above:  Did I handle the situation well?  Yes and no.  My initial reactions were not positive, but taking deliberate actions to slow down and handle said situation in a different way than my emotions dictated was a positive step forward.  Is there anything I need to amend? No, because in the end, the result of the situation was handled by the person that needed to handle the situation–and that wasn’t me.  What can be better next time?  Take a deep breath and slow down from the start, don’t allow things to get me so worked up.  What have I learned?  I still have work to do on handling the unexpected, but I can see improvement in my behavior and will keep moving forward.  Also, I can get through tough situations without giving in to the lies in my mind that tell me food will make me feel better.  It won’t.  It simply creates more issues that cover up the primary concern.

I may not have reacted like Jesus would have, but I’m learning to seek the Father in finding the ways that I can react in a more Christ-like manner to the tough stuff.  We’re all a work in progress…some days are rainbows and sunshine, and some days aren’t.  Life sure is interesting!

I hit 100 pounds down yesterday!!!

And after floating on a cloud yesterday, it’s back to reality today.  And I had a big reality check hit me in the middle of Zumba class this morning…

…now is when the real work starts.  The party just got started!

Let’s be honest. 50 weeks is a FAST amount of time for someone to drop 100lbs. 2 pounds a week average is the high end of the recommended loss by physicians, most say to expect 1/2-1 pound loss a week.  I knew because of the quantity of weight I have to lose, that the first chunk would come off quickly, but that things would start to slow down as I approach a smaller size.  I’ve seen some indications of this starting to happen, my plateaus seem to be stretching a bit further and it’s taking a lot more strict discipline for that needle on the scale to move.  That’s okay though.  My journey isn’t dictated by the scale, it’s just one measuring stick.  My other measuring sticks in the areas of emotional and spiritual health are still blowing me away too!

Can we also celebrate one more victory?  I’ve said it before that the BMI scale is highly flawed logic (I won’t elaborate why right now), but again, another measuring stick–I have dropped from the “super morbidly obese” category to “morbidly obese” category of size on the BMI charts.  So, basically, I’m not circus freak fat anymore, I’m just really fat.  (That’s a joke…a bad one, but it’s my attempt at laughing at myself)  Can’t wait to drop that “morbid” part…a couple more milestones still to hit to drop that nasty word.

Now is not the time to fall into rote routine like I talked about a couple posts ago, now is the time to keep intentional disciplined efforts on the forefront.  Continued progress only comes from continued forward momentum.  I must continue to eat well and exercise.  I must wake up each day and commit my day to God.  I must go to bed each night and give an account to God of my actions through the day.  Praise where praise is due, ask for forgiveness, and ask for the knowledge and wisdom to not make the same mistakes again.  I must make scheduled time for my responsibilities, for exercise and preparing healthy food, for personal emotional and spiritual development, and time for fellowship among like-minded people.  “I must” is not a bad thing…yes, we all can fall into the I couldda, shouldda, wouldda’s, but “I must” to me is a definitive statement of what I believe is expected of me at this time to live according to God’s will.  My “musts” are different than everyone else’s and everyone else’s are different than everyone else’s (know what I mean?).  We’re all unique, and God has different plans for all of us at any given point in time, and they change over time too.

So, while I still bask in the excitement of reaching a big milestone, I look at the road ahead too–not to overwhelm myself with the road that still needs to be trod, but in making sure I’ve got clear directions on where I’m heading so I’m not aimlessly wandering down the street.  My next milestone I’m reaching for is a smaller one, just another 30lbs.  More on the significance of that later.  Time for me to continue to be blessed today!

They (whoever “they” are) say that when you verbalize a goal, you are more likely to reach it than if you just write it down or keep it to yourself.  I’ve had this idea…however plausible it may truly be or not…that has been rolling around in my noggin for a few months now.

Before the eye rolls of judgment start…this is a LONG (long, long) term goal.  I realize that I’m probably not even looking at until late 2017 or early 2018 to really get the initial stages rolling.

Ready? Here we go…

I want to be a holistic wellness mentor for leaders in ministry.

I’ve got some ideas on what this would look like within the current ministry that my husband and I work in, how I could partner with the department that already works in this area, but I want to take it even further to be a personalized mentorship that will look different for each and every person…and if it’s not meant to be, well, something to look at for retirement in 15? 17? years (I never remember the date we will retire because it’s completely irrelevant to life other than financial planning).

So what does this goal actually look like/steps to attain it:

• Reach my personal goal weight and maintain it
• Work through the continuing education options at my disposal to gain an appropriate level of nutrition counseling certifications, a personal trainer certification, and even some further counseling training than what I already have already attained so I have professional knowledge and credibility for my actions
• Start working one-on-one with other leaders in ministry that are ready to set their own personal wellness goals and walk alongside them to inspire, encourage, keep accountable, and help them discover the road to health that works and is sustainable for them and their individual situation

I want to share my experience, and most of all the hope, that no matter who you are or how far you have to go or whatever challenges you have, with God’s help, you have the capacity to completely change your relationship with God, your body, and your mind.  I want to be able to hammer home the point that no ministry leader is truly “too busy” or “just can’t do it.”  It’s simply not true.  And I think by the time I get to this point, I’ll have earned some of the authority in my personal witness to call willing/voluntary participants out on their excuses.

I’ve got some lofty dreams with this goal…I can envision everything from helping people put on paper their nutrition and exercise goals to teaching basic exercises to getting folks comfortable at a new gym environment to spiritual and emotional development around food issues to even helping people clean out their pantries, show them how to healthfully grocery shop on a budget, and how to cook quick and easy healthy meals that fit their life and schedule.  The possibilities are endless–I can day dream about this all day.

I am really excited about this, and am praying for God’s leading and the doors to be opened for this dream to potentially become a reality.  Dreams and lofty goals are important, it fires us up for the future.  While I know this isn’t going to materialize tomorrow, it gives me even more drive to keep pushing myself to keep the disciplines that I have placed in my life to honor God with my body.

I have hesitated to verbalize this dream, I didn’t even tell my husband about it until recently, because I’m human–I’m afraid of judgment and I’m afraid of failure.  But you know what, we have to take risks sometime.  I think this is worth the risk to be transparent with this goal.  With God’s help and leading, if it’s meant to be, it will happen.  I can’t wait to see the glorious unfolding.

I am pursuing without abandon a revival of my motivation and discipline–my “why.”  Everyone has their own breaking point, the moment in time where the realization strikes that where I am at is not where I want to be and something has to change. I can see, remember, and feel my defining moment deep in my bones, so crisp and clear that it still shakes me to the core to live out that God conversation in my mind.

As with anything in life, the newness wears off. I am reminded of a meme I see often that says something like, “motivation is temporary, discipline keeps you going.”  I’m probably not alone in the sentiment that I balk at the idea of discipline. I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and I want it now. I can see though, that the best things in life come from discipline.

I’ve gotten away from the rigidity of my disciplined practices.  I have realized lately that it has gone from discipline with a purpose to rote routine. This sends up big warning signs in my mind–as soon as my pursuit of holistic health becomes something that I just “do,” I might as well kiss all the progress I’ve made goodbye. I have been in a position the last three or four weeks where I’m just going through the motions, just spinning my wheels. Not good. And it shows. The scale has plateaued again, I find myself not as willing to make the best food choice first without some internal debate, etc.

Well, so what?

Here’s the so what: being present. Remembering why I want to be healthier, remembering why I want to grow closer to God, remembering why I don’t want to live in the crazy mind that I started with. It’s one thing to haul myself to the gym because it’s necessary, but the progress is made when I move my body with the conscious mindset that I am doing something with my body that is pleasing to God.

Living with intention. Not just going through the motions. Remembering my “why.”  So here’s some of the actions I’ve taken/am working on to get my consciousness back to intentional and mindful action:

-less screen time
-adjusting my morning routine to put my focus on God first
-listening more, reacting less
-prolonged decision making when it comes to food choices (taking the time, space, and delay to differentiate true vs emotional hunger)
-no justified excuses

So, that’s where I’m at. Back to the basics. I will succeed, not because it’s the desire of my heart–because it’s in God’s plan for me to be healthy and whole.

Wowsers…been a long time since I’ve written.  What can I say, life has been life!  I’m still around and certainly haven’t fallen off the boat.  Still plugging along, one day at a time.

Around the beginning of the advent season, I had a phrase stick out in my mind: Gloria in excelsis Deo.  Latin for “Glory to God in the highest.” (or something similar in direct translation…I’m no Latin scholar).  This has become my grounding mantra, if you will.  As I face each day, each struggle, each challenge, I find myself constantly coming back and repeating to myself those words…Gloria in excelsis Deo.

I’ve got to first say today that I am in awe of God’s work in my life over the past eleven months.  At the outset of realizing I was not God honoring with my body in thought, word, and deed, I knew changes needed to be made–and I’ve slowly made a lot of changes.  As I have spent time reflecting the last few weeks, the changes that I “thought” I was making and the actual changes that have taken place are completely mind blowing.

Staring down the barrel of 100 pounds down is incomprehensible to me (just five more pounds to go!).  I honestly would’ve been happy with just 30-35 when I started.  I still have a long way to go to reach what I have determined to be a healthy weight for me (as it’s different for everyone, regardless of what charts and graphs tell you), but I feel like a completely different person inside and out.  Not only do I have endurance and stamina for the day (still working on the energy part, but that’s a different can of worms), but I handle the day better.  The unexpected, the busyness, the things I can’t control, the disappointments…they don’t throw me into a tailspin anymore.  Yes, I still stomp my feet like a two year old and whine a lot, but it’s on a far smaller scale–some changes take longer than others!

Those that know the work we do in ministry, know that mid-November through Christmas is a very demanding and stressful time (with abundant  blessings, I don’t say that as a complaint–it’s the nature of the beast).  Husband and I had made resolute plans to keep our healthier eating habits and regular exercise in check.  We were quite successful and I’m very proud of our work.  From the week of Thanksgiving through mid-December, I actually dropped 10lbs, and have since maintained.  As crunch time hit and we had a family emergency pop into the mix, healthy eating did turn to convenience eating when it was just feeding me and regular exercise turned to look much different.  There was a two week span of eating out and an almost three week span of no “formal” workouts, but it’s not as bad as it seemed in my head–the choices I made were just that, choices.  Some were healthier than others, but no choices were made without conscious decision-making.  There was no stress eating, no emotional eating, no mindless eating.  I stand by every bite I consumed and am not beating myself for any workout missed.  I maintained my weight for those three weeks in spite of life’s circumstances.  I’m pretty stinkin’ proud of that fact.  Life wouldn’t have looked like that previously.  Eating and exercise are since back on point and to say I honestly missed the gym still rattles wrong in my brain because I never, ever, ever, EVER would’ve said that before.

Even more than the physical, I’m blown away at my emotional reaction to what life has brought to my doorstep the past six weeks.  I have been more organized and prepared, still equally as stressed and busy, but how I’ve dealt with it is beyond my comprehension.  I only had one moment of breaking down in tears (my typical stress reaction).  I kept my cool.  Situations and unexpected wrenches got dealt with.  When a family emergency hit, we did what needed to be done and life still kept moving–we were concerned and scared, but God gave us supernatural strength in that case, that’s the only explanation there.  Even when faced with dealing with my first major holiday by myself, there was peace.  God was with me.  God provided the right people at the right time to help with the workload.  I didn’t have to throw my own pity party because of the circumstances around me, it was what it was and life continues to move.  That is a miracle mind-shift right there.

You can’t tell me God hasn’t gotten ahold of my life in a new, deeper, and powerful way the last eleven months.  I’ve got the proof.  My praise almost feels inadequate some days because I’m just so overwhelmed by the peace and joy that is replacing so much that was negative and unhealthy in my life.  All God ever wanted was my obedience, my pursuit of holiness–not a pursuit to be a good Christian, big difference.  He’s got every ounce of me.  Nothing held back any more.  God asked me to step out in faith and trust Him in a new and different way to show the changes that needed to be made in me–He’s done a lot of work, but hasn’t hesitated to hand me the shovel and have me do my portion as well.  As time goes on the changes in me that God desires to see will change and refine, as they should, as I continue to pursue living a life that is a reflection of Christ.  I can’t wait to see what’s next.  What is there left that I can possibly say? Gloria in excelsis Deo.

So, a few weeks ago my husband came home with a giant smiley face on his lab work from the doctor because his test results dramatically changed as a result of us living a healthier lifestyle.  I just got my lab results posted to my patient portal (don’t see the doctor until next week) and they’ve barely budged!  Seriously though, this makes me want to cry buckets.  I’m so disappointed.  Don’t get me wrong, my results weren’t bad previously, I’m healthy, but I would’ve liked a few of the numbers to move into an even healthier place.  I don’t foresee a smiley next week in my future.

Comparison is bad, I know this.  I should be grateful for where I’m at, because I’m sure there are people wishing to be in my place that are far unhealthier, and I am happy to be healthy.  Women’s bodies are so wacko anyway…what the heck is “normal” most days?  Still, I can’t deny the fact that my eyes are ready to fill with tears at any moment right now.

Here’s where the game changer lies:  what is my ultimate reaction going to be?  Will I chuck all of my progress out the window or pull up my big girl panties and keep going?

I’ll give you a hint: it’s the latter.

I have learned that these are the moments that I have to suck it up and intentionally reframe the negative committee in my mind that has to back off and shut up.  This is where I need to remember the positives.  It’s not about one set of numbers.  There is no one solitary measuring stick for a healthy lifestyle. I have worked too hard and come too far to walk away from my progress, not only physically, but mentally and spiritually.

These are my reminders today of my successes to push out the negative that’s trying really hard to consume me:

• I have lost 85lbs.  More than I have ever lost in any weight loss effort to date. (that’s pretty darn humbling)
• Yesterday I received a brand new pair of jeans, in a smaller size, that reflect dropping 3 pants sizes this year
• I am on par to meet my fitness goal of 100 miles of walking/running/elliptical for November
• I can do certain things with less effort than was required before, I don’t get as tired as easily
• I feel better most days
• I am starting to conquer the negative committee that meets in my head and putting it in its place
• I am beginning to see the first fruits of gaining a positive self image…and I kinda like it

So…an hour ago when I first started typing this, I was on the verge of a collective meltdown due to my insane ability to turn the littlest thing into the end of the world.  I have since met with two clients and am reminded again that the little things can’t determine my worth.  A result on a stupid blood test doesn’t help people, lend a listening ear, give hugs of encouragement, and change the pace of someone else’s day for the good.  Divine appointments.  God’s got it all under control…once again, I need to rely on His strength and not my own.  He’s got all the answers in how this crazy game of life plays out, not me.  I just need to keep living according to His will for me.

Lesson of the day: Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.

Have you ever found yourself doubting your abilities?  I seem to do this on a daily basis, even though I have proven to myself time and time again that I’m fully capable of what’s been placed in my path.

I feel like some days I’m living in a surreal alternate universe.  Despite the long way I still have to go, 80lbs down is seriously life changing.  I don’t have to force myself to live.  I can freely move. I have (coffee-driven) energy to face the day.  I don’t get out of breath walking short distances.  I’m involving myself in activities that I wouldn’t have volunteered for–heck, I’m even the advisor for a middle school after school club now!

Then there’s other days when I think I’m completely insane with some of the challenges that I’ve put myself up to because I believe I’m capable.  For example, I’m working with a group of friends and friends of friends on completing a 100-mile challenge for the month of November. I woke up on November 1 thinking, “what in the world have I done?!” and now 10 days in, by the end of the day, I’ll be about 35 miles completed.  I’ve also amped up my workouts to include 3 Zumba classes each week–I’m by no means coordinated or adept at dancing, but it’s fun.  I’m doing a virtual 10K race on Thanksgiving morning.  The reality of hubby and I planning a vacation to hike the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim is becoming more real.

There’s lots of acronyms out there for fear.  My favorite is False Evidence Appearing Real.  I’ve lived the lies in my head for so long, that it’s hard to face the reality of truth.  For me, the battle in holistic health has not been dropping the pounds, it’s dropping the negative self talk in my head.  I’ve made a lot of improvement in this area and still have a ways to go, but I can honestly say that I feel pretty decent about myself most days…and that’s a far cry from the constant self-loathing I’ve lived in for many years.

This makes me thankful for the accountability and support I have from so many people in so many different ways.  Folks remind me of how far I’ve come so far and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I’ve really needed this encouragement lately.  My fear, or rather should I say, my absolutely stomach-sinking deep rooted scared out of my mind thoughts, is getting through the holiday season without going back to poor habits.  Hubby and I have worked really hard this year on bettering ourselves and our health.  I’m not willing to let that go without a fight.  We’re fast approaching a time of year where time is at a premium and tradition has dictated that we don’t take care of ourselves because we’re so concerned with the tasks at hand.  We’ve made the commitment to ourselves and each other–this year will be different.  We’ve got a plan in place.  We’re not big meal planners, but we have set in place some meal plans that are quick, easy, and nutritious so we don’t find ourselves at Denny’s every night like last year.  We have also carved our precious time to keep up on our exercise–not necessarily at the level we are now, but still enough to be beneficial.  I believe by setting our intentions and planning ahead that we will be successful in our efforts, but I still have that little bugger in the back of my mind telling me that I won’t keep my commitments.

So, my prayer going forward is one day at a time, one hour at time, one minute at time, one moment at a time.  God hasn’t abandoned me on my journey this far, He’s not going to fail on me looking ahead.

I’m not a fan of weight-specific goals, but I believe by keeping on track with decent eating and exercise that I will hit 100 pounds down by January 23, 2016–one year to the day that this whole crazy beautiful mess started.  God willing, and according to His time.

I have this pair of dress pants that I wear to the office that are truly magical.  Their tag indicates that they are actually two sizes smaller than I currently wear, yet they fit (in the loosest sense of the word) at my largest–two sizes larger than I am now.  They’ve seen their share of wear and tear from daily wear, survived the great Velcro debacle of ten weeks in a boot cast last year, and have served their owner well.  Today, I regretfully retire these pants.  It’s time.  They’ve served me well, have always been super comfortable, but in some ways have done me a disservice.  They don’t allow me to see the tangible changes in myself that I have earned over the last nine months.  They don’t allow me the measuring stick of “how well my clothes fit” because they have always fit me.  Rest in peace, magic pants.  We shall never meet again.

Yes, the magic pants are retired, but I am not sitting here at my desk pants-less.  I nervously pulled a pair of black dress pants off the hanger this morning with bated breath.  The last time I tried these pants on about a year ago when I ordered them, I was crushed that they didn’t fit, that they were skin tight and I had no prayer of pulling them off in public.  The tag doesn’t reflect (what tag ever does?) the size that I wear because this clothing brand is very inconsistent in their sizing, but I slipped on these pants this morning.  They fit perfectly.  No pulling, no tightness, just perfect fit with the right amount of room in all the right spots.  Victory!  I’m super excited for magic pants 2.0 because these are super durable pants, which will carry me through our “crazy season” where I’m dressed for work 12-14 hours a day for six weeks, occasionally even sleeping in them (just bein’ honest!).  And hopefully by the end of crazy season, I’ll be staring down the barrel of another smaller size–which when I reach, I have a plethora of clothing in this size range and won’t have to worry about finding something that fits well.

I’m so grateful.  I earnestly praise and worship God for these little victories.  I have not done this alone.  I was recently in a setting surrounded by a lot of friends and colleagues that haven’t seen me since I’ve started taking care of myself and received a lot of compliments.  It felt good, not gonna lie about that, but at the same time it was extremely awkward in my mind.  Who doesn’t like to receive a compliment? We all do!  We like to know we’re doing something right.  But at the same time, the negative committee that meets in my head was not in a nice way reminding me that my success is not of my own will.  I’ve done the footwork, I’ve been obedient, and there are some aspects in which that is praiseworthy–but the end result, the outward appearance, is God’s work–not mine.  I’m not a graceful person, I lack a lot of social graces, and knowing this I simply accepted compliments and moved on with life.  I started to feel guilty because I wasn’t giving verbal credit to where credit was due–to God working hard in my life.  Each compliment I’ve received, I send a silent prayer praising God for His work in my life, but that feels so inadequate–I want to be able to give God the immediate glory at all times and in all situations where He is clearly working in my life to make me a better follower of Christ.

That too sends some warning flares up in my mind.  One of my many pet peeves is Christians that continually come out pointing to themselves and their accomplishments and professing this is what God has done in their life.  There’s a fine line–we need to be giving credit to God when credit is due, but when we go to excess, continually bringing attention to the situation–how much is really the work of God and how much is the person’s desire to cover up what still needs to be worked on in their lives?  Ouch.  Yeah, we are in a serious grey area.  I wish I had an answer in this situation, I don’t.  I pray on it a lot.  I want to be transparent and authentic.  I haven’t always been like this, so it’s new territory for me.  I’m going to mess up in this area as I learn to find the balance.  I want it to be quick on my tongue to give God the glory for His redemptive work in me, but not to the point where it squashes the effectiveness of the message.  Christ should be seen in me, not my mouth being His billboard.  My mouth gets me in trouble way more often than I care to admit, and I never, ever, ever want to be in a situation where I can be called a hypocrite because the words of my mouth don’t meet the godly life I preach.  As St. Francis of Assisi is credited for saying, “Preach the gospel, and when necessary, use words.”  (There are several variations of this quote, don’t shoot the messenger–it doesn’t change the sentiment)

God, allow my words to be few and my actions to speak of my faith in You.  You alone have done a great work in me and I am forever grateful for Your presence through the Holy Spirit that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other each day.  I am never alone.  I praise You for the work You have done in me and the changes yet to come.  Allow me to be a reflection of Christ in all things and to be an instrument of grace in the lives of others.  Lord, You know the desires of my heart–help me to keep my eyes fixed on You and Your will for my life.  Amen.