I’ve always promised myself that I would write about the good, bad, and ugly on this blog, so that someday when I look back, I can look at all the different bumps and curves in the road that God has brought me through in this wellness journey. I’m not gonna lie…I’ve been struggling the last few weeks. My “why” isn’t sparking the same motivation and drive of commitment as it has and this is an indicator to me that I probably need to make some changes…that I’m falling into a rut. On top of it all, I’ve had a few more migraines than normal, which doesn’t really inspire the effort for exercise and healthy eating. All that said, I did have a successful week of vacation with positive choices and active activities, so that was a bit of a boost.
I’ve been really digging in the depths of my mind on what’s got me in this funk…initially trying to blame external circumstances and people, but then getting honest with myself, I was just making excuses to avoid the fact that some of my defects of character–mostly pride and control–have been cropping up. It never ceases to amaze me how I can twist reality in my mind, it truly is an art form, but never works in my favor. We’ve got something happening professionally where we’re relinquishing some control in an area, which is a great benefit for every party involved–we wholeheartedly believe in the changes and support it because we see the ultimate success of the endeavor…I “know” this and can see the concrete evidence that this situation is awesome, but my flippin’ crazy head wants to desperately cling to how things are. Insanity. Pure insanity. I’ve been praying hard for the ability to just let it go, along with my irrational and imaginary concerns, but it’s hard!
Along the same lines of insanity, I haven’t been as diligent with eating well and exercise, and yet I’m still expecting change. Um, HELLO! Wake up! You don’t get results you don’t work for. Old habits don’t create new bodies and certainly don’t contribute to godly living and thinking. And I refuse to lose any progress in this area, I’ve worked way to hard to lose weight–I will not allow myself to gain an ounce because of laziness.
So…here’s the plan to move forward and kick this rut to the curb. Perfectly coinciding with the Lenten season, I’m using these forty days to try and shift to a simpler way of living. Decluttering. Simple nutrition. Back to exercise basics. Essentially some tough love with kid gloves. I can see after a few knockdown drag out sessions wrestling with God in prayer the last several days trying to wrap my head around life, is that I have gone over the deep end in complicating almost every area of life…cramming too much in, striving for things that while permissible aren’t necessarily beneficial to me in the long run, and minding everyone else’s business but my own. I need some time to get my right focus back, and that’s to focus on God and His plans for me….not my agenda.
Hopefully this mindful and simpler approach will also start to leak over into my physical health and help me feel better, as I believe my physical ickyness/lethargy and increased migraines are likely not the result of a health problem, but a soul problem, and they too will resolve themselves quickly as well (but I’m not irresponsible either, I have a regular doctor visit next week and will mention it, but I’m not expecting an issue to be found there).
So, that’s where I’m at…dwelling in the ugly at the moment but moving toward light. Let’s just call this a tunnel on the journey. Stay tuned.