Fears and Other Fables

Have you ever found yourself doubting your abilities?  I seem to do this on a daily basis, even though I have proven to myself time and time again that I’m fully capable of what’s been placed in my path.

I feel like some days I’m living in a surreal alternate universe.  Despite the long way I still have to go, 80lbs down is seriously life changing.  I don’t have to force myself to live.  I can freely move. I have (coffee-driven) energy to face the day.  I don’t get out of breath walking short distances.  I’m involving myself in activities that I wouldn’t have volunteered for–heck, I’m even the advisor for a middle school after school club now!

Then there’s other days when I think I’m completely insane with some of the challenges that I’ve put myself up to because I believe I’m capable.  For example, I’m working with a group of friends and friends of friends on completing a 100-mile challenge for the month of November. I woke up on November 1 thinking, “what in the world have I done?!” and now 10 days in, by the end of the day, I’ll be about 35 miles completed.  I’ve also amped up my workouts to include 3 Zumba classes each week–I’m by no means coordinated or adept at dancing, but it’s fun.  I’m doing a virtual 10K race on Thanksgiving morning.  The reality of hubby and I planning a vacation to hike the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim is becoming more real.

There’s lots of acronyms out there for fear.  My favorite is False Evidence Appearing Real.  I’ve lived the lies in my head for so long, that it’s hard to face the reality of truth.  For me, the battle in holistic health has not been dropping the pounds, it’s dropping the negative self talk in my head.  I’ve made a lot of improvement in this area and still have a ways to go, but I can honestly say that I feel pretty decent about myself most days…and that’s a far cry from the constant self-loathing I’ve lived in for many years.

This makes me thankful for the accountability and support I have from so many people in so many different ways.  Folks remind me of how far I’ve come so far and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I’ve really needed this encouragement lately.  My fear, or rather should I say, my absolutely stomach-sinking deep rooted scared out of my mind thoughts, is getting through the holiday season without going back to poor habits.  Hubby and I have worked really hard this year on bettering ourselves and our health.  I’m not willing to let that go without a fight.  We’re fast approaching a time of year where time is at a premium and tradition has dictated that we don’t take care of ourselves because we’re so concerned with the tasks at hand.  We’ve made the commitment to ourselves and each other–this year will be different.  We’ve got a plan in place.  We’re not big meal planners, but we have set in place some meal plans that are quick, easy, and nutritious so we don’t find ourselves at Denny’s every night like last year.  We have also carved our precious time to keep up on our exercise–not necessarily at the level we are now, but still enough to be beneficial.  I believe by setting our intentions and planning ahead that we will be successful in our efforts, but I still have that little bugger in the back of my mind telling me that I won’t keep my commitments.

So, my prayer going forward is one day at a time, one hour at time, one minute at time, one moment at a time.  God hasn’t abandoned me on my journey this far, He’s not going to fail on me looking ahead.

I’m not a fan of weight-specific goals, but I believe by keeping on track with decent eating and exercise that I will hit 100 pounds down by January 23, 2016–one year to the day that this whole crazy beautiful mess started.  God willing, and according to His time.

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