Stephanie Under Construction Blog

I’m not a fan when my mind wanders into this arena.  And there’s so many places to go with this topic, I could unpack and camp out here in my thoughts…so let’s hash it out here and move on with life.

I was minding my own business scrolling through Facebook the other day and this image popped up on a store ad:

Beautiful, right?  I actually purchased this exact singlet and compression tights about a month ago on a phenomenal sale and I adore them.  I like the material (moisture wicking, fitted, seams placed appropriately to combat chub rub)  and the functionality of the compression when running (everything jiggly stays where it’s assigned!).  I don’t know why I paused when I saw this advertisement…but I got stuck on the image and the flood of thoughts came in how awesome this person looks in this outfit, how awesome her arms are (I’m been doing mind battle recently with the loose skin not toning up on my arms), how thick her hair is, and on and on.

I know how ridiculous it is to let this take up real estate in my mind.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t look like her.  I look like me.  She’s a model.  Likely airbrushed.  She may look at this beautiful image and think terrible things about herself.  I don’t know.  Point is, I shouldn’t be comparing my body to hers.  My body, while it’s not where I want it to be, is far smaller and healthier than it used to be.  It’s a work in progress.

So, as this battle rages in an area of my mind, I go to a sporting goods store yesterday looking for a specific product that I want to try on my long runs that are over 60 minutes because my stomach will not accept my current fuel chews once I pass 90 minutes of exertion, but haven’t been able to find the other products I want to try locally in small quantity.  (Side note: Skratch Labs energy chews are an incredible product; haven’t tried any of their electrolyte/hydration products yet–probably won’t have need to on those until I start full marathon training)  Anyway…back to my point.  I knew exactly what I wanted, politely asked for it, and then had to explain what the product was to the sales person since they didn’t know what it was.  The person then yells across the store (thankfully vacant of other customers) asking the other associate if they carry said products, but apparently this associate lost their mind temporarily or maintains no people skills, tacks on a highly insulting and shaming comment about me, my knowledge, and my ability to run to the request. (Oh, I’m sorry, fat people who workout lack the intelligence to do research? Please explain, I’m very confused)

My restraint in response was impeccable.  Thankfully close to the door, I was simply able to turn and leave before opening my big mouth.  I went about the rest of my day, and am rather proud of myself for simply just being angry and not lashing out.  I’m trying hard to get it out of mind and on with life, but it does remind me of the facts:  I am still a fat person.  Working on it, yes, but it’s still a fact.  I don’t look like a “typical” athletic person, and likely never will.  I don’t set land speed records–I run intervals at a pace that a good portion of people probably walk at.  Regardless of the facts, I love it.  It makes me happy.  It’s not going to stop me…I’m far more stubborn than that.  Reality of life is this won’t be the last encounter I have of this manner–while I continue to transform my body, I will still be learning, researching, trying new things, and getting out of my comfort zone to improve my performance, keep myself healthy in the process, and do it in a safe manner.  I am me, you are you, and I hope we all win.  I just want to be the best me that God created me to be.  And I want the same for you.

No great revelation in this post, life just sucks sometimes and you need to vent, and I think no matter what side of the coin you’re on, you might be able to relate in some way and know you’re not alone in whatever your goals are too.  Despite the good, bad, and ugly that we all encounter…just keep going.  If it’s worth doing, do it, and never give up.  And if you see me out there tomorrow morning in the outfit above, tell me how awesome I look! (LOL)

And I’m not talking Disney (honestly, the only time I heard the song was a video of my second cousin singing the chorus and I haven’t viewed the movie Frozen).  I’m talking about taking things personally.

My warped mind has the awesome capability to internalize someone else’s professional frustration as a personal attack.  I understand when people are impassioned in their work and “no” doesn’t fit in to their perfect plan, I’m the same way.  No one likes the wind knocked out of their sails, especially when it involves helping another human being.  I also know how hard it is to say no.  Parts of the responsibilities I hold today I’ve been doing for upwards of fifteen years, I used to not be able to say no without crying and making my boss be the bad guy.  A lot changes when you become the boss–I do say no now, but it doesn’t come without honest regret and sadness that I can’t be everything for everyone.  I’m not God, and I don’t play Him on TV.

When I disappoint someone, I often start to second guess myself.  My “what if” game is strong.  I learned many years ago, even in the second guessing, I have to stand by my decisions.  Matthew 5:37 says, “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” (NIV)  If I start to waver, if I become known for weakness in my decision-making, it becomes a slippery slope aimed right at my integrity.  There are times in life when decisions are changed, mistakes are made and owned up to, but that’s a completely different topic.  I don’t make my decisions and choices lightly–I’m all for charts, graphs, facts, analysis, and constructive banter–and generally I stick by my final answer.

It’s painful for me when in disappointment that I start to question a solid decision.  I know in my heart and mind that it is right, but the people-pleaser in me starts in on the lies.  I can’t let it go.  Just as the scripture above says, this questioning is not right and true, it comes from doubt and feelings of inadequacy–attributes straight from satan himself.  I know in my head when the fiery darts come, and words directed at me that aren’t true but said in someone else’s frustration, that it really isn’t an indicator of who I am, what I stand for, and my decisions–that the issues are on them, not me–but dang it, it hurts! Don’t take it out on me!

I don’t have the answers on solving the great issues of people-pleasing, internalizing that which isn’t really an attack on me, and the great head battle that ensues.  I do know my first reaction is to turn it over to the One to deal with it better than I…and stop picking it back up to mull it over some more.  Lord, teach me to LET. IT. GO. (funny, one of our small groups I lead just finished a study with that title last month…apparently it didn’t sink it completely with me, LOL)

As I wind up my sermon preparation for this Sunday, my manuscript took an interesting turn to a biblical example of goal-setting by no forced will of my own.  And that’s all the teaser you get–show up to church or listen to our YouTube later!  I keep coming back to this principle not only in my life, my wellness journey, but also in counsel with others and in business matters as well.  I admit, for years I balked at the concept of setting goals, but I’m definitely a convert.  There’s lots of different types of goals, and even subsets within that, so it takes some time to find your groove–but sheesh, life-changing isn’t even adequate to say how my goals have impacted me.

One of my many go-to songs right now is Family Force 5’s “This is My Year.”  It sums up in simple terms so much of “me” right now, not to mention is pretty energizing when it hits on a run interval.  I’ve learned though, I can’t limit my goals to time periods like a year.  How often do we set new year’s resolutions and proclaim, “this is going to be my year.”  Well, okay, I can buy into the enthusiasm of change–but what happens when the clock strikes on December 31?  Do you go back to old habits?  Do you change back into a pumpkin?

My goals exist on a lot of planes–short as a few days to the astronomical God-sized goals that are harder to wrap my mind around.  They’re all SMART goals (it’s the type-A in me…need for structure).  They exist in written form.  Different points of accountability in my life know about different goals, as appropriate and applicable.  I’m now over three weeks into the seventeen week program leading up into my half marathon, I seem to have found myself back in a period of awe.  I’ve looked over some of the goals I set when I started this whole great quest and I’m just blown away.  Did I think this was going to be long-lived…clearly not, I started out truly with the idea that this was going to end up like “every other diet” and I’d get tired of it.  I only anticipated losing 25lbs…blew that one out of the water (still sitting at 115lbs, but inches man…I’m down another pants size, if they ever arrive!).  The God-sized goals–the ones that yes, I could place into SMART form, but still even then seem completely impossible to ever see in my lifetime?  There’s a couple glimmers at the end of the tunnel.  I’m floored.

It all started with a pity party whining prayer…and now I sit here most days like I’m living in a dream because my human mind is having a really slow processing time on just how amazingly God has blessed me through this overarching lesson in obedience.  Praise almost seems inadequate to me most days.  There’s a second component at play here that goes hand-in-hand with obedience, and that’s trust.  That’s one of the big tackle points right now on some of the goals in progress.  But at this juncture of awe and gratitude, also comes reassurance that God’s led the way so far, He’s not going anywhere right now either.

Is life perfect?  No…of course not.  I still have weight to lose, I still have habits to change, I still have relationships I can improve upon, I have volumes upon volumes of which to learn in deepening my relationship with God, I still face the same pressures as everyone else does in life and business, I still fight the cynical and snarky parts of me that want to rear their heads…I’m still human, and I still have reason and cause to fall apart at any given moment–but I know now, I don’t have to, it will pass.  I’ll always be a work in progress.  I may have met a lot of goals, and have some pretty cool ones hat I’ll be meeting this year, but there’s some pretty amazing ones still in progress in time beyond too…goals that when I meet them I can’t even fathom the projected end result because they’re so amazing.

I’ll continue to set goals…they’ll probably change in type and approach over time, and that’s okay.  It’s all about growing and changing, as we all should be doing until the day we die.  So, as much as I love the song…this isn’t just my year, it’s life.  I don’t see myself going back any time soon.  I’ve come too far–I won’t be turning into a pumpkin. God’s got plans and I’m along for the ride.

I was asked (in earnest) recently that don’t I contradict my mission of holistic health by just concentrating on the physical journey?  I can see where this person was coming from, because just looking at the snapshots of life like Facebook, etc, one could easily come to such a conclusion.  So, my short answer: No.  Here’s how the goals break down right now:

Physical: Yes, I am training for a physical goal of running a half marathon in a few months.  I am following a half marathon training program of a couple short runs through the week, one walking weekday, a long run on the weekend, cross-training workouts on off-running days, and strength training.  I like the structure–takes the excuses and justifications out of exercise.  It’s on the calendar, I do it.  I am also trying really hard to tighten up the nutrition and food choices, not only for continued weight loss, but to improve my physical condition (running the morning after eating a greasy meal and dessert for dinner the night before–bad move).  Just because I stay within a specific calorie/macro goal, doesn’t mean I’m necessarily making healthy choices…back to basics, and also taking a look at better meal planning for me and my husband as life and schedules have changed over the last several months.  Again, my physical change and effort is not a pursuit of skinny–it’s a long-term goal of attaining a healthy weight in order to honor God’s creation and to live in His image.

Mental/Emotional:  Running is not purely physical.  The portion of my emotional journey that I’ve been open in sharing in public forum is that of negative self-talk and self worth.  My brain is a walking double standard–it is truly in a constant battle.  I sit here and tell myself that no, there is no chance on God’s green earth my jiggly fat butt is going to pass over the finish line of a half marathon–I’m not good enough, strong enough, fast enough, or worthy enough…I could go on all day.  Then there’s the other portion of my brain that is convinced I am invincible and can do absolutely anything.  I like that side of my brain–it’s responsible for some of the crazier choices on my journey, but it’s also the one that can put the vivid picture in my mind of finishing the race and that incredible moment that brings me to tears just to think about of accomplishing what parts of me still consider impossible.  I do this in so many areas of life, not just running…it truly is disgusting, but it is getting better bit by bit.  I know that I am enough, that I have worth.  Some day I’ll actually believe it too.  Work in progress.  One thing I am trying that I’ve never really put effort into before because I couldn’t get past being cynical over the idea is affirmations and mantras.  Intentional efforts.  I’ve done a little homework on the subject and have come up with a good list of 16 different affirmations and mantras that I am incorporating into daily life in different areas when that negativity is starting to creep in.  Fun stuff…always trying to improve.

Spiritual: Obedience. Discipline.  Training to run any distance takes discipline.  I’ve talked about before how obedience and discipline are necessary for spiritual growth.  Just like I feel the consequences of eating poorly or not exercising appropriately, same goes with not feeding and exercising my faith.  Running and exercise aren’t just physical activities for me, and they can’t be mental because my head shouldn’t go there when I’m exerting myself (then I just get mad and ugly, it’s really not pretty), so it’s one of the different ways I’ve found that God and I get along well (see, we do converse [pray] outside of my car, bed, and patio!).  I have times set aside for personal scripture reading and in-depth study, prayer, sermon preparation, spiritual programming preparation, and all the other spiritual “stuff” of life as a follower of Jesus Christ and the responsibilities of being a pastor.  Running is becoming one of those times.  I’ve cleaned up my playlists (sorry Green Day and Cheap Trick, there’s a time and place) to change my thought pattern.  Edifying music=positive thinking.  I mean seriously, how can you listen to these words, “God, I’m running for Your heart/I’m running for Your heart/Till I am a soul on fire/Lord, I’m longing for Your ways/I’m waiting for the day/When I am a soul on fire/Till I am a soul on fire” (Third Day) as you’re running an interval over a stunning channel, looking up and seeing daybreak over the mountains, and not be in complete and total awe of where God has placed you in this world?  Seriously?!  Holy living–the pursuit of holiness.  Being obedient to the plans God has for me, in taking care of me, to carry out His good work.  Plus the upside of communing with God in different places and different ways, takes the focus off me and gets me out of my head.  Prime example, this last Saturday.  I was dreading my scheduled run because the heat made me sick the week prior, but coming out with the right focus completely changed things.  I truly was invincible.  I could do anything in that moment.  It wasn’t my longest run ever, or even my fastest…but it was focused, incredible, and almost ethereal.  I felt beyond amazing.  I didn’t tire, and even went about the rest of the day with incredible energy and no dragging (just a few choice groans on the foam roller that night, but that’s a different can of worms, LOL).

Yeah, so, sit tight, I’m probably going to be talking about running a lot for a while–but while it’s pushing my physical limits, it is changing me inside and out.  I’m excited about it.  I am absolutely fascinated to see my body do what I never thought possible, and it’s only possible by taking risks, setting the goals, and knowing that the ability is not selfish ambition, it’s God given.  He gets all the glory, and I’m just reaping the blessing in the process.

(This morning coming over the London Bridge)

For someone who loves math, I’m not a fan lately…well, only because science is mixed in and the only science class I ever liked was chemistry (the math…balanced equations).  I am trying to look really hard at a lot of those different measuring sticks that I’ve talked about before, but that stupid scale is driving me batty….for the last 9 weeks.  Exactly the same.  Exactly.  Not the scale…multiple locations confirm the current number on the scale.

I’m trying hard to get out of my head–looking at the fact that my clothes are baggier, I’m down in yet another smaller blouse, probably need to be looking at smaller pants soon, and am punching new holes in my belt beyond the ones already punched tighter than the factory holes.  My fitness level is increasing–the effects of heat aside, my pace is more consistent than it has been.  My downward dog? Yeah, it exists longer than a split second and my arms don’t shake anymore.  Clearly, there’s good stuff happening.

But that naggy (not so) little number on the scale keeps staring me in the face.  I think I’m going to have to skip it for a while to preserve what little sanity I possess.

The numbers make sense–unless every article, book, and source I’ve consulted are big fat liars. I should be losing something!  Yes, I know biology plays a part (thanks Eve)–but this long?  Affects of stress, hydration, etc, too… Doesn’t make sense.  This is a typical day for me:

I consume roughly 1800 calories a day.  On this particular day, I had two workouts–30 minutes of interval run/walk and 30 minutes of a HIIT program (I. Hate. Pushups.)  So if I’m ending the day with a theoretical 1600 calorie deficit (I say theoretical simply because I am very cynical of just playing the numbers game…I understand there’s so many more variables to calorie burn), I “should” be losing weight.  Even the stupid equations and calculators on other sources don’t make sense (I really don’t like how it’s laid out on the above screenshot, it’s just what I had handy).  And 1800 calories is still a newer lower calorie intake goal…it just got knocked down to this level with the last five pound chunk I lost.  My macronutrients are textbook–almost a perfect carb/fat/protein ratio for me, so it’s not a matter of what I’m eating.

I don’t like math that doesn’t add up to a pretty little package.  And I’m really annoyed at that stubborn scale.

But again, I have to look at all the other rewards of eating (mostly) well and consistent exercise…there’s been a lot of benefits.  Heck, I’m pretty proud of getting through the first week of my half marathon training program and trusting the process, not getting overwhelmed when I look ahead and see how the distance on those Saturdays creeps up as quickly as next month.  I think I’ve also found those funny little exercise endorphins that I was convinced didn’t exist.  External circumstances sure aren’t to blame for my mood lately, so between God and chemistry, something’s jiving well.  I’ll take it.

I’m doing some battle in my head right now too…paralyzing fear of situations I can’t control, inferiority, and tapping into God’s strength since I know straight out I can’t do life in my own power, especially lately.  Most of the time I can reconcile the difference between what I know is true and what I believe as truth (there is a difference!), but those synapses aren’t firing direct shots…makes for some fun conversations with God, randomly staring off into space, and some really frustrated bursts of exercise.  This too shall pass…

Life’s funny.  All we can do is keep plugging forward.  God’s got the plan and somewhere in it all, things get figured out.  I’m just along for the ride.  (But ya know, God, a little recognition on the scale would be nice too…LOL)  Just back off, take the next right action, and live obediently.  It could always be worse…I’ve come a long way and I praise God for that.  Until next time….rant over. 😉

Change is a lot like peeling an onion…we start on one thing that we work on, and from there start to see something else that needs a little work, another thing that needs a little tweaking, a new experience that adjusts our worldview–change is a snowball effect.

Hopefully in life we are changing and evolving.  Life can get pretty boring when we’re stuck in a rut.  As Christians, hopefully that change and evolution is the pursuit of a deeper relationship with Christ and the reach into every part of ourselves in what that means.

I have found a lot of comfort, peace, and healing in the “new.”  Time spent with new eyes on fueling my body in a healthy way, moving my body in such a way to reach goals that I can’t believe some days are so close to reality, dropping a lot of my learned habits in favor of more godly thinking, changing those that I surround myself with to be edifying to the end result and not necessarily what my humanness desires.  I take a lot of risks.  I say yes far more than I say no–not in such a manner that impedes my boundaries or is damaging to me, but in such a way to believe that yes, I can do this, I have value, I have something to contribute to the world.  It’s hard to swallow some days because I’ve spent so much of my life believing I’m not enough that the disconnect exists–but I also know God’s going to have to be the one to show me what I can and can’t do because I’m not so good at making those choices on my own.  History proves that theory 100%

I think I’ve even come to a place of, dare I say, thriving in the new experiences.  I’m not accustomed to the foreign feelings of trying new things, of stepping out of myself, of using my voice.  I’m bolder and it shakes me to the very core because it’s so far out of my comfort zone, I can’t even see the demarcation line anymore.

Change is good.  Growth is essential, but we don’t forget the past.  We don’t escape it.  I’ve been writing a speech the last few weeks that have made me a bit reminiscent of the past, both good and bad…I’ve spent some time thinking back on the reasons why I left the church of my youth, the different choices I’ve made that have had life-altering consequences, and how they’ve all shaped me into the person that I am.  I’ve also had some unwilling reminders of the past of things I naively wish would just stay there pop back onto the radar, but they can’t, and I have to pull up my big girl panties and face head-on what scares and angers me the most in life.  I wonder if we ever quiet the demons of our mind totally…another thought for another day.

I’ve struggled the last few weeks.  I’ve had illness and a small back flare that held me back from exercising and life kept my gym buddy down for a bit, but we’re back at it.  I was struggling with eating because my ability to be the great justifier was rearing its ugly head but now I’m back to making responsible choices (almost) effortlessly.  Even the way I was speaking and responding to others was not from a place of love and humility–I’ll own it, I was being a jerk in some conversations.  I’m happy that I haven’t had consequences other than maintained weight, a bruised ego, and having to suck up my pride and apologize way more often than normal…but things are getting back to…something.  I can’t say normal, I have no idea what that would even look like anymore.

I have to deal with the past, reality of life is we won’t get to escape it…but the cool thing about living in the new is I still have some of the anchor points of the past, but I also have new avenues of trust and transparency that I may not have ever utilized before because I never saw them as an option, as a chance worth reaching out and taking.  Turns out, it’s worth it.  Living in the new has its benefits…beyond smaller clothes, cuter shoes, and faster running paces.  Trust, taking chances to reach out and ask for help/prayer/advice/etc, and trying new things…priceless.

So, as the song says, “Let us be the first to welcome you.  Welcome to the life you thought was too good to be true.  Welcome to the new.” (MercyMe)

If you follow me on Facebook (which is 97% of you based on origination stats), you know I post a lot of memes.  I admit, Pinterest and I have a love affair in the evenings because I like to have my time of mindless activity, if just for a little bit, and I have amassed quite the collection of thought-provoking, hilarious, and pun-ny memes and quotes on my phone and kindle…including a few from friends with twisted senses of humor that likely will never see the light of day.  On a side note, I really hate the word “meme.”

Often, I see great and amazing ones that make me think, like this:

I like things that make me think.  The example with this one, first, since it does speak to faith, does it align with biblical principle? Yep. Second, did CS Lewis actually say/write this? Yep.  (Actually the full quote reads: In the same way a Christian is not a man who never goes wrong, but a man enabled to repent and pick himself up and begin over again after each stumble–because the Christ-life is inside him, repairing him all the time, enabling him to repeat (in some degree) the kind of voluntary death which Christ Himself carried out.)–put THAT on a meme!  Third, what book is it from? Mere Christianity.  Fourth, loving this so far…have I read the book? Yep.  (otherwise I usually add it the reading list)

Then we get to memes like this…

Interesting fact.  Is it true? Not sure, haven’t accessed the fount of all knowledge–Google–to find out.  I’ve also seen it to say 3lbs of pressure and 5lbs of pressure, so obviously there’s some wiggle room in accuracy here.  Is the idea of it good?  Sure, I like the positive idea behind it…I can relate it to my life; the idea that I’ve relieved anywhere from 345-575lbs of pressure from my knees is a nice thought.  No wonder I can run!  Will I ever take it as gospel truth? Probably not.

Finding what is truth and what is not is sometimes not as easy as scrolling through your newsfeed.  I really wish it was some days.  I look at a lot of my responsibilities some days as an archeological dig.  There’s very little that I can take at face value.  In working with others, I have to verify information and use discernment based on the facts constantly.  In preaching and teaching, I have to weigh subject and feeling against the truth of God’s Word.  And personally, I have to dig reallllyyyy deep and find the root cause of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and reactions.

I haven’t slept well for a couple of weeks now.  At first I thought it was stress.  Nope.  Then I thought it was overextending myself.  Nope. Last night I earnestly prayed laying down in bed asking for God to give me the rest I so desperately desire. (and yes, posted it a little tongue-in-cheek too on Facebook) Did I rest well?  Nope.  Finally, this morning, as I woke up cranky and tired (and coffee-less since I had to get fasting bloodwork), I realized it.  Unfortunately, knowledge isn’t going to improve my case, but at least I know that “this too shall pass…”

Moral of the story, we dig for truth. You’ll be all the more better for it. It’s worth taking the time to find what is right and true.  Trust me.  Taking things at face value is a disservice…except for this:

I’m tired, be gentle with me…LOL

And yes, we’re talking Hawk Nelson here.  I go through phases of time where I tend to come back to the same handful of songs as I work through life…they change, some fall away, others strike me, and playlists get adjusted accordingly.  The only constants on this mental playlist of life that have ever remained since around age 17 have been Ravel’s Bolero, Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition (the piano score), and an untitled piece that an old friend wrote that we worked on the solo/accompaniment parts and recorded during time we spent together in another church’s music ministry when in high school so I could use it in my performance portfolio.  All music lulls me to another place, time, or situation–I marvel at its ability to consume me.  Anyway…

Diamonds.

Excitement and paralyzing fear coexist rather well in my existence. Something happened a couple days ago and I realized that this type A introvert didn’t create plan B through plan XYZ in something important. (I know, right?  I was just as shocked when I realized it too)  I was inside and out prepared and ready for plan A, but everything didn’t fall quite into place close to zero hour and I had to adapt.  Plan A still went off, just not as anticipated.  I didn’t hit meltdown mode, but was still pretty rattled.  I didn’t hit the meltdown, but only after panicking did I remember to simply stop, quiet the highways and byways of my brain that were shooting around at a million miles an hour, take a deep breath, and lay it all out for God.  Did what occur turn out as I had anticipated?  Nope, not even close.  Was what occurred meeting the need of those involved?  Yep.  God intervened.  My prayers were answered, not in how I expected it to happen, but in how God wanted to work in the hearts of other specific individuals–not how “I” wanted to work.  The whole situation start to finish was never about me–it was about God’s mighty work to transform. Put aside the ego…lesson learned.  Prayer answered.

I had another completely unrelated experience this weekend in someone coming to me and asking for forgiveness.  A prayer I have been praying eight years for this young woman.  I forgave her long ago, it was not a difficult thing on my end, but I did have to put a hard boundary in place long ago because her public actions called my judgment into question by associating with her, and I had to separate myself from our relationship to preserve my integrity.  Tough choice.  I doubted and questioned that choice for a long, long time…but have always kept it a matter of prayer.  God intervened. Eight years has brought change, maturity, and spiritual growth in both of us.  I got a glimpse into how God is working on changing her in our encounter, to receive her apology that I honestly never expected with an open mind, and extend to her the grace of forgiveness in return.  Will our relationship be restored? Probably not right now, but not out of the realm of possibility in the future.  Praise for answered prayers.  Continued prayers for how this plays out going forward. Still…initial prayer answered.

Humbling moment.  I had to apologize for my actions to a few people I care about last week.  I had an overall crummy week and was just not myself at all.  I realized that in my self-absorption trying to figure out what my major malfunction was, I potentially harmed them in not engaging in conversations, situations, actions, and outcomes in the standard that I hold myself to…possibly a lofty standard, but it’s what I’m working with, so yeah, go with it.  I left an event with a heavy heart after realizing I needed to apologize, and sat in my car, wrote different messages to those couple friends, owned it, and immediately engaged in prayer for which detail is inconsequential to my point.  I let them down, but I found it interesting that in a relatively short period of time, situations occurred, conviction hit, and I took the prompted action.  Not so much like me…usually I’ve got to dissect it fifty ways to Sunday and weigh every possible outcome of any potential action and move forward with a plan.  Nope.  Not this time.  I ended up being the one being blessed in the two vastly different perspectives of grace extended in return.  Prayer answered.

Diamonds.

This is how it all comes together.  Yes, I’m making you google the lyrics because I’m not going to hammer it out.  At the outset of this “project” on holistically bettering myself, I prayed a pretty bold prayer of obedience that I continue to pray today.  I fall short…a lot.  That’s okay though.  When I sat in this very seat on January 23, 2015, and laid it all out, I was dead serious in my commitment to change even though I had no idea in the least what that was going to look like.  I was broken, truly at my lowest in mind, body, and spirit.  God showed me the first little things to change, areas that I could see change with my human eyes, and now as I keep going forward, there are new and different changes and challenges to face.  Some days are harder than others…just because God’s in charge and not hasn’t made everyday smiles and sunshine, but those broken pieces are coming together.  Goals identified.  Goals undertaken.  Goals met.  And the cycle repeats.  All that dust…all those broken pieces that never quite fit before…are under such extreme pressure in God’s great love to not leave me where I was when I cried out.  I’m at a loss for words for the beauty in it all.

God’s strength keeps me praying…the matter of a few minutes, eight years, just a couple of hours, or what I know to be infinite going forward in each that I mentioned above.  I can’t do it all alone.  I have new eyes on the power of my prayers–His timing, His refining.  Joy abounds.  Finding those diamonds and smiling at God’s handiwork today.

There is a constant war in my head between truth and lies.  I get very frustrated sometimes when I can sit back feel a sense of accomplishment over something, only to turn around a few minutes later and feel undeserving of the positive outcome.  More than eating well, more than exercise, more than any of the physical changes I’ve made on this expedition…negative self-talk has got to be the single hardest change that I have committed to work on in myself.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), God hasn’t waved a magic wand over my head and in a split second transformed my thoughts.  I can see improvement, but there’s still a long road to go.  I don’t flinch at positive comments from others as much as I used to, I’m learning to accept them with grace and the truth in which they are offered.  The bigger struggle is giving myself praise for a job well done, big or small.

A few months back, I shared here on my blog about as I continue down the road of this journey that I would ultimately like to be able to mentor other ministry leaders in establishing a healthy lifestyle through the same avenues that I have changed–in losing weight/changing eating habits, creating a livable and realistic exercise plan, individualized coaching on the emotional/mental and spiritual battles that we each uniquely face that hold us back from maintaining a healthy lifestyle long term, etc.

An opportunity came and I got some encouragement to put together a workshop for a conference that takes places this weekend based on my hashtag (#igotgoals) that I use to mark this journey to track my progress.  After giving in a lot of prayer and thought, I decided that if I was going to put the work into developing a workshop, that it would actually be a partial outline of what I would like to use in working with individuals and groups mentioned above.  I’ve done quite a bit of research, planning, structuring to put together the framework of what has turned into a pretty cool presentation that is customizable for any group or audience that just touches the tip of the iceberg on a personal wellness overhaul.  It focuses specifically on identifying individual areas of change that are needed and how to break it down into a simple and logical plan to get started.  I love it because it truly fits as an introduction to the pursuit of holistic wellness and will hopefully give the listener the reassurance they need that nothing is impossible and they can achieve anything they put their mind to, that they only limit they have is themselves.  I see this seminar as a catalyst to coming alongside others to help, encourage, and empower them to be the best version of who God created them to be–to grow in knowledge and faith.  It’s passion stuff here–this very basic beginning to what I envision to be an awesome all-encompassing curriculum, and that makes me really excited to talk about it.

Cool, great–pat yourself on the back for work well done and praise God for his wisdom and clarity in this process, right?

Wrong.  Well, the praise part is always appropriate…

But the messed up part is that sense of joy and excitement over a project completed well dissipated as fast as it came.  I immediately went from a sense of passion and peace and contentment to the lies….how dare you think you can speak on such a topic? You haven’t reached all of your goals yet, what authority do you have? Look at yourself–yeah, you’ve lost 115lbs, but you still have a long way to go–your appearance alone gives you no bearing to speak.  I could go on…and on…and on (because my head keeps perpetuating this trash into my consciousness).

Just like when I wrote on forgiveness recently, I don’t have the answers on this one.  But I know the One who does.  My mind won’t transform overnight in the same ways that the physical changes I’ve made didn’t happen overnight.  I can see the progress that’s been made, at least I can recognize that this negativity is happening in my head when it’s happening and have the desire to squash it–which I’ve never had before–I just don’t know how.  My work is not done, it never will be–no one is perfect.  But, I do know this: I’m continually turning it over to God when this negativity rears its head.

I know that I am not the terrible, horrible person that my head tells me I am.  I know that in my heart…but it still gets lost in translation, that 18″ between my heart and my brain.  I know the bad stuff is not of God, that it is a lie of Satan.  I pray for the wisdom, knowledge, and power to see myself as God sees me–not in how the lies paint the picture.

As always, work in progress.

I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong–I think that’s human nature, humility is an acquired skill.  As I was driving to a conference last week, I realized an hour away from home that I forgot something important that I was to bring for an assigned part in a united worship service.  Being too far away to turn back and still make it on time, I dialed up my divisional headquarters and once I got on the phone with the coordinator of the effort, I couldn’t find the words to explain my face-palm moment other than, “I made a big, big mistake and I need your help.”  Thankfully, grace was extended and a substitute for what I forgot was made available…but it doesn’t change the head game that follows when one drops one of the balls on their plate, no matter how small it really was.

In 2009, a great godly leader in our denomination preached a sermon at a territorial event that I often meditate upon.  She challenged us on the topic of revival–how it’s God’s job to bring in the tides of revival, but it’s our job to prepare the beach.  At that time, we were newly appointed in our last church and I took that challenge to mean that it was the time that the doors would be blown off and God was just going to flood that church in that tiny community with souls.  I prematurely took that vision and ran with it.  There were a lot of brick walls that we ran face first into and probably created more strife than necessary.  While there was change that took place during our time there, it wasn’t what I expected the outcome to be.  It just made me push harder into the areas that were frustrated and not changing according to my expectations.  I was determined to make it right.  To have the expected outcome.  I struggled when we got the call appointing us to our current home because I felt like our work wasn’t done.  That struggle is a totally different tangent, as it was a needless struggle, but, another story for another time.

We’ve been gun shy in setting our vision in our current church after feeling like we fell face first previously. (side note: I don’t discount the work of the Holy Spirit.  There were some amazing things that happened there too)  We’ve sat back and critically observed a lot of areas, spent a whollllleeeeeeee lot of time in prayer and listening, and came to the point where we really felt like we had a feel of the community–but vision wasn’t very clear.  Lots of moving parts without a logical meeting point.  Our place, our ministry, our church’s place, has very recently been made clear–along with the steps to take to move forward, but I find it extremely interesting, that the defined end point isn’t there.  There’s logical progression to put in place with measurable markers of progress, we have the ability to see where things are headed…but to tie it up in a pretty package, we can’t do that right now.  That disturbs me a little.  That’s the stuff that keeps me up that night.  It’s also my least favorite out-of-my-comfort-zone activity: stepping out in faith.

Caveat, this platform is not a place I choose to share my professional responsibilities, it’s sharing my heart of my own personal growth–reality of life is that the two intertwine in the most beautiful of ways and I don’t get to control that, so roll with me a little bit.

I don’t like the comfort zone threateners.  The last two years of my life have pulled me out of the rut that I’ve been in physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I think sometimes about all the areas I’ve changed and I can see how I’ve learned more in this short time than I have in a very long time combined.  As I was driving home from this weekend (my time in my car is where all my deep thinking happens), something else I was thinking about brought me back to that illustration of preparing the beach.  It’s not meant just for our ministries, it’s meant for our hearts too.  If I can expect the vision to flourish and the steps to achieve it be fully completed, it’s not something that I can facilitate without having those changes and steps taken within me too (practice what we preach!).  Ministry is always a work in progress, I’ll always be a work in progress–but both are a testament to the great and mighty works that only God himself can orchestrate.

While driving, a song that I recently put on my running playlist came one and I think it was the first time I ever truly listened closely to the words and let them sink in.  I thought there was one part of me that had been fully healed–I mean, I put in the work along with the money, time, and resources that were necessary to treat the initial issue years ago–I had gotten to a pretty good place of acceptance, working through the garbage of it in a constructive way, and as much as I hate admitting this one because it still makes me physically ill to think about–I was able to start seeing how God used heinous action to change me and my testimony for His purpose.  I thought that bump in the road was over and past.  HA! See what happens when I think!  This song hit me in a way to jostle the bolts loose in seeing all wasn’t said and done.  I had forgotten a very important component in the base issue–forgiveness.  I had forgiven God for allowing the unimaginable to happen.  I had forgiven myself for the struggle in coping with the fallout that came from realizing that I had to deal with the harsh realities of what happened and not sweep it under the rug.  I had forgiven in a couple other areas surrounding the issue.  But there is one I haven’t forgiven…and was reminded of that.  I got really angry.  Really angry.  I’m pretty tame in my anger most of the time…but I was driving down the road screaming at the top of my lungs at God.  Thank goodness God can handle our misplaced anger…and that I was driving down isolated backroad highways without view of my behavior.  I listed my novel-length list of reasons on why I rightfully shouldn’t have to forgive one party.  I felt very justified in my response to my unforgiveness–bottom line being, there are some things you just can’t forgive. I’m human and stomped my two-year-old foot screaming out, “I don’t wanna!”  And once I shut up, I got more answers.

It is very hard to forgive the unforgivable.  I’ll be very blunt and honest in the fact I don’t even know how to begin wrapping my head around this unresolved issue. I’m lost.  That’s scary for me.  My eyes were opened to the fact that I’m not completely finished with this area of my life as was thought, there’s still another part to hash out.  It goes against my own personal belief in the matter and I don’t have the steps, logical plan, or even a vague understanding of which foot to put in front of the other in this area…but I do know this: “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” (CS Lewis)

Moral of the story:  We don’t “arrive.”  When we think in our humanness that something is accomplished, watch out…you may just realize that “I made a big, big mistake and I need help.”  And now there’s more work to be done.  He’s got something better in mind for me–the revival, but it’s my job to clean up my beach.  God, help me.