Inferiority Complex

There is a constant war in my head between truth and lies.  I get very frustrated sometimes when I can sit back feel a sense of accomplishment over something, only to turn around a few minutes later and feel undeserving of the positive outcome.  More than eating well, more than exercise, more than any of the physical changes I’ve made on this expedition…negative self-talk has got to be the single hardest change that I have committed to work on in myself.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), God hasn’t waved a magic wand over my head and in a split second transformed my thoughts.  I can see improvement, but there’s still a long road to go.  I don’t flinch at positive comments from others as much as I used to, I’m learning to accept them with grace and the truth in which they are offered.  The bigger struggle is giving myself praise for a job well done, big or small.

A few months back, I shared here on my blog about as I continue down the road of this journey that I would ultimately like to be able to mentor other ministry leaders in establishing a healthy lifestyle through the same avenues that I have changed–in losing weight/changing eating habits, creating a livable and realistic exercise plan, individualized coaching on the emotional/mental and spiritual battles that we each uniquely face that hold us back from maintaining a healthy lifestyle long term, etc.

An opportunity came and I got some encouragement to put together a workshop for a conference that takes places this weekend based on my hashtag (#igotgoals) that I use to mark this journey to track my progress.  After giving in a lot of prayer and thought, I decided that if I was going to put the work into developing a workshop, that it would actually be a partial outline of what I would like to use in working with individuals and groups mentioned above.  I’ve done quite a bit of research, planning, structuring to put together the framework of what has turned into a pretty cool presentation that is customizable for any group or audience that just touches the tip of the iceberg on a personal wellness overhaul.  It focuses specifically on identifying individual areas of change that are needed and how to break it down into a simple and logical plan to get started.  I love it because it truly fits as an introduction to the pursuit of holistic wellness and will hopefully give the listener the reassurance they need that nothing is impossible and they can achieve anything they put their mind to, that they only limit they have is themselves.  I see this seminar as a catalyst to coming alongside others to help, encourage, and empower them to be the best version of who God created them to be–to grow in knowledge and faith.  It’s passion stuff here–this very basic beginning to what I envision to be an awesome all-encompassing curriculum, and that makes me really excited to talk about it.

Cool, great–pat yourself on the back for work well done and praise God for his wisdom and clarity in this process, right?

Wrong.  Well, the praise part is always appropriate…

But the messed up part is that sense of joy and excitement over a project completed well dissipated as fast as it came.  I immediately went from a sense of passion and peace and contentment to the lies….how dare you think you can speak on such a topic? You haven’t reached all of your goals yet, what authority do you have? Look at yourself–yeah, you’ve lost 115lbs, but you still have a long way to go–your appearance alone gives you no bearing to speak.  I could go on…and on…and on (because my head keeps perpetuating this trash into my consciousness).

Just like when I wrote on forgiveness recently, I don’t have the answers on this one.  But I know the One who does.  My mind won’t transform overnight in the same ways that the physical changes I’ve made didn’t happen overnight.  I can see the progress that’s been made, at least I can recognize that this negativity is happening in my head when it’s happening and have the desire to squash it–which I’ve never had before–I just don’t know how.  My work is not done, it never will be–no one is perfect.  But, I do know this: I’m continually turning it over to God when this negativity rears its head.

I know that I am not the terrible, horrible person that my head tells me I am.  I know that in my heart…but it still gets lost in translation, that 18″ between my heart and my brain.  I know the bad stuff is not of God, that it is a lie of Satan.  I pray for the wisdom, knowledge, and power to see myself as God sees me–not in how the lies paint the picture.

As always, work in progress.

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