And I’m not talking Disney (honestly, the only time I heard the song was a video of my second cousin singing the chorus and I haven’t viewed the movie Frozen). I’m talking about taking things personally.
My warped mind has the awesome capability to internalize someone else’s professional frustration as a personal attack. I understand when people are impassioned in their work and “no” doesn’t fit in to their perfect plan, I’m the same way. No one likes the wind knocked out of their sails, especially when it involves helping another human being. I also know how hard it is to say no. Parts of the responsibilities I hold today I’ve been doing for upwards of fifteen years, I used to not be able to say no without crying and making my boss be the bad guy. A lot changes when you become the boss–I do say no now, but it doesn’t come without honest regret and sadness that I can’t be everything for everyone. I’m not God, and I don’t play Him on TV.
When I disappoint someone, I often start to second guess myself. My “what if” game is strong. I learned many years ago, even in the second guessing, I have to stand by my decisions. Matthew 5:37 says, “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” (NIV) If I start to waver, if I become known for weakness in my decision-making, it becomes a slippery slope aimed right at my integrity. There are times in life when decisions are changed, mistakes are made and owned up to, but that’s a completely different topic. I don’t make my decisions and choices lightly–I’m all for charts, graphs, facts, analysis, and constructive banter–and generally I stick by my final answer.
It’s painful for me when in disappointment that I start to question a solid decision. I know in my heart and mind that it is right, but the people-pleaser in me starts in on the lies. I can’t let it go. Just as the scripture above says, this questioning is not right and true, it comes from doubt and feelings of inadequacy–attributes straight from satan himself. I know in my head when the fiery darts come, and words directed at me that aren’t true but said in someone else’s frustration, that it really isn’t an indicator of who I am, what I stand for, and my decisions–that the issues are on them, not me–but dang it, it hurts! Don’t take it out on me!
I don’t have the answers on solving the great issues of people-pleasing, internalizing that which isn’t really an attack on me, and the great head battle that ensues. I do know my first reaction is to turn it over to the One to deal with it better than I…and stop picking it back up to mull it over some more. Lord, teach me to LET. IT. GO. (funny, one of our small groups I lead just finished a study with that title last month…apparently it didn’t sink it completely with me, LOL)