Change is a lot like peeling an onion…we start on one thing that we work on, and from there start to see something else that needs a little work, another thing that needs a little tweaking, a new experience that adjusts our worldview–change is a snowball effect.
Hopefully in life we are changing and evolving. Life can get pretty boring when we’re stuck in a rut. As Christians, hopefully that change and evolution is the pursuit of a deeper relationship with Christ and the reach into every part of ourselves in what that means.
I have found a lot of comfort, peace, and healing in the “new.” Time spent with new eyes on fueling my body in a healthy way, moving my body in such a way to reach goals that I can’t believe some days are so close to reality, dropping a lot of my learned habits in favor of more godly thinking, changing those that I surround myself with to be edifying to the end result and not necessarily what my humanness desires. I take a lot of risks. I say yes far more than I say no–not in such a manner that impedes my boundaries or is damaging to me, but in such a way to believe that yes, I can do this, I have value, I have something to contribute to the world. It’s hard to swallow some days because I’ve spent so much of my life believing I’m not enough that the disconnect exists–but I also know God’s going to have to be the one to show me what I can and can’t do because I’m not so good at making those choices on my own. History proves that theory 100%
I think I’ve even come to a place of, dare I say, thriving in the new experiences. I’m not accustomed to the foreign feelings of trying new things, of stepping out of myself, of using my voice. I’m bolder and it shakes me to the very core because it’s so far out of my comfort zone, I can’t even see the demarcation line anymore.
Change is good. Growth is essential, but we don’t forget the past. We don’t escape it. I’ve been writing a speech the last few weeks that have made me a bit reminiscent of the past, both good and bad…I’ve spent some time thinking back on the reasons why I left the church of my youth, the different choices I’ve made that have had life-altering consequences, and how they’ve all shaped me into the person that I am. I’ve also had some unwilling reminders of the past of things I naively wish would just stay there pop back onto the radar, but they can’t, and I have to pull up my big girl panties and face head-on what scares and angers me the most in life. I wonder if we ever quiet the demons of our mind totally…another thought for another day.
I’ve struggled the last few weeks. I’ve had illness and a small back flare that held me back from exercising and life kept my gym buddy down for a bit, but we’re back at it. I was struggling with eating because my ability to be the great justifier was rearing its ugly head but now I’m back to making responsible choices (almost) effortlessly. Even the way I was speaking and responding to others was not from a place of love and humility–I’ll own it, I was being a jerk in some conversations. I’m happy that I haven’t had consequences other than maintained weight, a bruised ego, and having to suck up my pride and apologize way more often than normal…but things are getting back to…something. I can’t say normal, I have no idea what that would even look like anymore.
I have to deal with the past, reality of life is we won’t get to escape it…but the cool thing about living in the new is I still have some of the anchor points of the past, but I also have new avenues of trust and transparency that I may not have ever utilized before because I never saw them as an option, as a chance worth reaching out and taking. Turns out, it’s worth it. Living in the new has its benefits…beyond smaller clothes, cuter shoes, and faster running paces. Trust, taking chances to reach out and ask for help/prayer/advice/etc, and trying new things…priceless.
So, as the song says, “Let us be the first to welcome you. Welcome to the life you thought was too good to be true. Welcome to the new.” (MercyMe)