Stephanie Under Construction Blog

I’ve been a little all over the map this last week in my head, so I’m going to get a little bit real and lay a little bit of it out here…you’ve been warned.

When looking at the whole self (mind, body, soul), one of the most complex parts of this journey, transformation, whatever you want to call it, for me has been that leg of transforming emotional wellness.  I’m guarded in a lot of ways when I get into this area–sure, I’ll discuss issues of self worth and self esteem–what women (and even men) don’t struggle with those things?  But there’s things too that go a lot deeper than that, and honestly, I don’t talk about it for three main reasons 1) I don’t have the mental capacity at this point in life to even have the intellectual conception of how to put words to it in order to carry a conversation–this is still a God-in-process project. 2) Not everyone would understand the construct.  That’s okay–sometimes life is just a little to real for some, and I’m not at a place where that part of my story makes a difference in the grand scheme of the world, and because of that fact, I’m not going to put myself in a place where my effectiveness is minimized because of it. 3) There is a sad reality that the world doesn’t always see you as a new creation in Christ, that they see you as your past mistakes, the things that you’ve done, or what has been done to you, and place a worth judgment on those instead of focusing on the present and what you can offer in the here and now.

I’m pretty decent at acknowledging other’s feelings and even taking on the burden of feeling other people’s feelings (I’m not sure how I feel about the whole empath deal, but let’s just say I haven’t reached a verdict on the issue–in some cases I’ve experienced, I’m going with plausible), but when it comes to myself–forget it.  I even have a memory of a conversation I had with someone where it was important that I be able to identify in that time what feelings I felt, and we sat in silence for quite a long time until I finally broke down in tears out of mental frustration not being able to put words to the emotions that I felt.  I couldn’t tell the person how I felt–sounds silly, right?  I fully admit that I am emotionally immature in some ways because life being life, but that’s not to say I’m not learning and growing over time, that conversation was what some days feels a lifetime ago and in other ways not, but there’s been good distance and a lot of progress in my life since that point.

This last week has shaken that comfort zone a little bit…which means, more growth.  I was in a class that challenged some of my thoughts on feelings–more specifically, how I “feel” my feelings (which I admittedly don’t have a good perception of) and what I do with that information.  The next phase of this discussion went into that of worth, again, something I can instill and affirm in others–but haven’t really invested the understanding to break through the walls in my heart and mind to fill that emotional bank account to understand my own.

I preach it from the pulpit, I tell people often, I have no problem to tell another person of their great and powerful worth for who they are as a child of God and what they mean on this planet…but here’s the real truth:  I struggle very much in translating that to my own self.  The idea of three simple words, “you are enough,” has the full capability of bringing me to my knees in tears because I truly don’t comprehend.  I can’t explain it.  I just don’t.  People can tell me this until they’re blue in the face–I don’t know why I can’t let it make that 18″ mind-heart connection either and take hold of this one.

It brings me back to the insecurity of the very beginning of all of this, when I was at my complete breaking point in countless areas of my life and cried out to God that something had to change, but that I didn’t know what that looked like (who would’ve guessed redeemed health, weight loss, an insane love of running, incredible spark in so many other things too numerous to even list?! Not me!).  All I knew was that I was living a hypocrite–helping others when I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) help myself.  Quite obviously, that’s not the case any longer as I am so grateful for the great and mighty work that God has done so far and what is yet to come, and that I very much practice what I preach, but–there’s a but.  I’m reminded again that I’m still a work in progress.

I’ve met a lot of goals, but I’ve got a lot still in many arenas left to achieve.  There is work to be done, but God’s brought me to this time and place for a reason.  I’m shaken at this point to tackle these things head on with a purpose–because He’s equipped me for it in His time.  I may not feel secure or strong in my abilities or knowledge of what’s to come in God’s great work in me, but it’s not about my security or strength alone–it’s about my trust in an Almighty God who has called me to be obedient to His will.  He hasn’t steered me wrong so far, so let’s see where the ride goes now?

First Lady Barbara Bush had it right with her campaign of “just say no” back in the day, but as a perpetual people-pleaser, that’s been a hard word for me to employ in my daily vocabulary.  As I work on some of my goals, I find the good and bad sides of employing this tough two-letter word.

The good–if there is something there is a legitimate reason that I can’t do something, or something of insignificance that I don’t want to do, I simply can say no.  The world won’t stop spinning on its axis, lives won’t be lost, and mankind as we know it will continue on without me.

The bad–and this is a bit more complex.  First, comes the guilt factor.  Sure, the above, if there’s a legit reason I say no, that’s one thing, but desire–that’s another.  I have to truly examine the motivating factors behind the no.  If it is just because of general interest or knowledge, that’s one thing and perfectly acceptable, but if it’s out of laziness and complacency, that’s a whole other issue, and we need to back up the bus.  Motive is key–Stephanie doesn’t live lazy anymore.

There’s also the hard no to arrive at, the one that I don’t want to say, but I know is in my best interest.  The no’s that hurt the most.  I’m starting to come to a point of maximum saturation where I really have to weigh my decisions against my priorities and not say yes to everything, there simply just isn’t enough time in the day for everything that needs to get done, time spent with my family, time spent on what I want to get done, and other necessities of life like eating, sleeping, sustaining life, etc.  There is always opportunities that come along of things that I want to do, but I just can’t always fit them in, and I have to say no–I have to miss out.

I’ve had to say no a lot lately too as I’ve been recovering from my surgery, and that has angered me a great deal in a lot of ways.  I know that going in to surgery the doctor could not have predicted how extensive it was going to be from a surface biopsy–he didn’t know he was going to be ultimately removing a golf ball from my back.  He gave me guidelines and restrictions for recovery, but obviously, every person is going to handle that differently.  Apparently, I assume I am superhuman and will be fine and dandy the next day, and that didn’t happen…I had to take it much easier than I anticipated and I can’t tell you how humbling it is to follow instructions.  I wasn’t allowed to lift more than 10 pounds when I had the stitches (among a whole list of other restrictions) and I literally stood there and watched my husband and my friend empty boxes from my van so I could put up the seats to pick up kids for lunch–something any other time I am perfectly capable of doing on my own.  I don’t like asking for help.

I got my stitches out this week–hooray!  I should be magically cured, right?  Wrong.  I was told I could go back to running as tolerated, but no upper body stretching and no lifting more than 15lbs for another month and then we’ll talk at my next follow-up.  Okay, so running feels pretty good–made the mistake of wearing my hydration vest, that rubs on my incision and puts pressure on my back (ice is still my best friend).  But after two weeks almost completely sidelined in pain following surgery (I got like 3 workouts in), I wasn’t giving up my long run…in my own twisted way, I reached out for help (because I couldn’t just outright ask for it–still don’t know how to do that so well), and a friend took mercy on me for a hydration stop so I didn’t have to use my vest and could carry a smaller capacity handheld with just minimal water and fuel.

Felt pretty invincible at that point…continued on with that marathon day (no pun intended) and thought I was well enough to work at full speed ahead and I didn’t think about my limits.  I moved in ways I shouldn’t have, I lifted, and I overdid it…and now I’m paying the price.  I’m in pain.  Thank God I didn’t reopen my incision line, but I hurt and I had to say no to today’s run because of the pain.  No thanks to allergies I’ve gotten quite a bit of rest today, so here’s hoping that I’m back on the pavement tomorrow–the road is calling me something fierce!

It drives me crazy when people say that “oh you just need to relax and heal” or “you just need to take it easy.”  No, I don’t.  Those aren’t helpful comments when you never even offered to be of service if it was needed (whether I took you up on it or not is a different matter), so mind you own business.  Stay in your lane.  I’m fully aware of my limits–I may push the envelope, but I do it for a reason, and there’s so few people reading these words that would understand why I would dance that line that it’s not worth expounding on.  I will say this though–at the end of the day, you don’t grow in your comfort zone.  The bad of saying no will always come back to that initial guilt factor for me.  I’m not sure how to get rid of that.  Guilt is a big thing for me, it plays into the people-pleasing, it plays into the constant rumination in my mind, but I think it’s something bigger too.  God and I are in discussion on that one…it’s an interesting conversation.  More on that later.

I was reading a post this morning on a sports training page that I follow about a woman that was so grateful how people randomly chip in to do things so that she doesn’t have to cut corners on her training.  She gave an example how another mom had some time, so she took over carpool for the afternoon so the woman wouldn’t have to cut her run short, and the woman called her son when he got home and asked if she needed to come home to help with homework and he told her that he had it handled, that all she needed to do was continue being awesome on her run.  The woman went on to process these thoughts with such gratitude that it in the times when she feels selfish–the sheer volume of time it takes to train for an ironman–that those around her are there with love to support her in the best ways that they know possible.  They can’t necessarily train and do the hard work for her, but they can pick up the slack in other ways.  That’s pretty cool stuff.

Yesterday, on another platform, I was reading of another woman who is so grateful for her husband’s support in her half ironman training, that she was looking for ideas from the collective on how to show her appreciation for him.  Her husband supports her training efforts in a lot of ways, but also trains for his own crossfit events and some other thing that I can’t remember.  So we were all brainstorming how she could make that special for him.

So, of course, because my brain never shuts down, this made me reflect on my own life.  I am blessed in my activities to have a whole host of support and accountability, lots of people that I can reach out to in different ways.  As I look at training plans for building distance and endurance, ultimately preparing for various races, I have the privilege of flexibility in managing my own schedule that I’m not burdened by punching a time clock (but that also creates a burden of overwork too–another topic for another time), but now I also get the support of a coach (that’s so cool!) for awhile and a the camaraderie of a sponsorship team of athletes.  But most importantly, my husband has always been there.

I totally get where these two ladies above are coming from.  When I step back and look at it, the gratitude is overwhelming.  My husband is amazing–I know I fall short in giving him the credit he’s due daily in all areas of life, and he knows that, I confess that often, but when it comes to our active life–here’s my little ode to him:

My husband is pretty darn selfless.  He puts up with the fact that I get up in the wee hours of the morning to put my time in to train, and how I’ve restructured my days and routine to make life happen without objection or question.  I’m in bed at night early and he doesn’t complain.  He runs a pretty opposite schedule and is a night owl with his training and usually goes out to the gym or bike rides once I go to bed at night and only goes to sleep a couple hours before I wake up–he does his desert runs in the morning with our dog usually hours after I’ve been up and gone so that he trains for his respective races.  Because we work together as a team, we’ve been able to tag team the schedule and make sure that the day-to-day responsibilities still happen at the level of our expectation and nothing suffers, but that our dreams don’t get squashed either–we did that for too long early on in our ministry and it didn’t breed too much good in any arena of life.  We also have made concessions in our personal budget to afford gear, races, etc–expenses we haven’t had before because these things weren’t a priority in our life, but the things we’ve sacrificed for it are worth it, so it’s a win-win in the end.  The quality time that we spend together looks different than it used to and we’re content with that, life and relationships evolve–that’s a pretty cool thing too.  I love my husband more and more every day, there’s no doubt about that fact.

I’m happy to put in the time to travel and cheer on his races, sherpa him with his fuel and things he may need, have all the fun, and celebrate his successes because he’s done the absolute same for me, and quite honestly more.  My husband is my biggest cheerleader in all areas of life and ministry–he’s always been one of my greatest gifts from God, and his encouragement in this area of my life is no different.  No matter the crazy idea I get, he says go for it.  I need people that support the insanity–and I’m grateful for the handful I’ve got around that get it and the strangers that I’ve picked up along the way too.

Support is so important, because there are so many nay-sayers out there.  Those are the ones that are blatant about it–they clearly don’t support your dreams, and that’s okay, they can go merrily on their way of making someone else miserable.  But there’s other discouragers that are a little bit sneakier–they may not even realize they are doing it.  These are the people in our lives that don’t take the time to necessarily understand why our passions make us tick and are constantly feeding us the comments of “slow down” and “don’t you think that’s too much” or “you’re overdoing it” when you’re not–they may be consciously or unconsciously trying to sabotage our goals, contentedness, or happiness.  I’m not saying these people need to be eliminated from our lives–quite often they’re people we love very much–but we have to figure out how to deal with them when their comments grate on every nerve fiber in your body.

There’s a teeny-tiny bit of benefit in the nay-sayers and saboteurs too.  Honestly, some days, they give that stroke to the fire that fuel it just a little bit longer–they help us to push harder, run longer, and kick our mental walls in the teeth.  They may have meant to tear you down when ultimately it fired you up all the more.  God has bigger plans than the trash.

No matter who we are, where we are, what we’re doing, and what we’re striving to do–I think it does take people around us, not only those to keep us accountable in our goals, but the village–not only to be an encourager in the good and rough times, but to occasionally pitch in with the practical stuff, without prompt or request, because help may not even be realized that it’s needed.  We need each other whether we realize it or not.  And this applies in every life!

It’s no secret I’m just a big nerd.  I’m driven by analytics, studies, numbers, and a lot of deciding factors in so much of what I do in daily life–so why has goal-setting been such a novel concept over the past few years?  Honestly, it’s not that it is a new concept, it’s just that I’ve never placed the value of it in my personal existence before.  With my educational background in curriculum development and assessment, I have a deep and thorough understanding of goals from an intellectual perspective–I get it, I’ve drunk the kool-aid, but I never carried over the application to my life.

In what I refer back to as my “Holy Spirit wake up call” when I told God that He had to lay it out for me because I was done trying to figure out this life that I was clearly miserably failing at, goals have just crept in as that structure in which God is using to help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him while helping my crazy brain to process His will and to steer my actions into a spirit of obedience.  It’s where that s-word (submission) isn’t a bad thing.

Some goals are huge–God-sized and seem insurmountable, but they have logical and systematic steps that will get me from point A to point B.  Others are tiny, but they are still important–they make a difference in my life and in God’s economy, and that’s an important thought for me to remember when I wonder why the heck am I doing what I’m doing.  I’ll be quite honest that I haven’t always taken my goals seriously–we’ve had to create them as part of different review and visioning processes professionally and I’ve just gone through the motions to just fill in the blanks, but I’ve learned the importance of taking it seriously and the true impact that it does make not only in my personal life, but the ripple effect that it has in my relationships, ministry, interactions, etc.

I track my goals, and I have lots in various degrees of completion–your head would probably explode if I told you how many goals I actually have set/in progress, but these are benchmarks that I have set for myself, my faith (yes, you can set goals in that area–another topic for another time), my health, my ministry, my relationships, my professional growth, our financial security as we get closer to retirement, etc.  They aren’t just intentions sent out to the universe–these are systematic and structured goals with benchmarks, game plans, and measurable outcomes for achievement.  They are written down, they are accounted for, and there’s record and tracking for myself–and on occasion, for those that keep me accountable too.  It’s good stuff.

I used to ignore goals telling myself the lie that I simply didn’t want to put in the work to achieve them, but I realize in hindsight it was more the fear of failure.  I had to realize that I’m not competing with anyone else, that it’s just me vs. me and all it is a journey with God to become the person that He created me to be.  Once I was able to release that burden off my shoulders and see there was no competition to be won, the pressure was gone and it wasn’t a race to the finish, but rather a time to dig in and establish the goals to honor the Almighty.

I was reading this passage today, from The Runner’s Book of Daily Inspiration: A Year of Motivation, Revelation, and Instruction by Kevin Nelson, for May 8, and it says this:

“I like finding out what my body can do.” -Charles Steinmetz, ultra-marathoner

“Funny thing about goal setting.  Even before you achieve one goal, you start looking ahead to the next one.

Prior to embarking on a major project, you may look at it in its entirety and think how difficult it will be to achieve.  So, you start.  Once you get going and the inevitable early mistakes, you find a way to do things that works for you, and you make progress.  After a while you make such rapid progress that you can see the end of the project.

Once that happens, if you are like most people, your dreams and ambitions do not suddenly stop.  You begin to look past the goal at hand-a goal that once seemed so difficult-and onto new, more adventurous goals for the future.

This must be what motivates ultra-marathoners.  Once upon a time a marathon was tough for them to do.  Then, after achieving that near-impossible goal, they began to look ahead to even greater challenges that would test what their bodies could do.

You may not want to run ultra-marathons.  But the longer you run, the more your goals will inevitably expand.  This is a sign of progress, perhaps even a sign that you can test your body more.”

In my wildest dreams, I could have never fathomed God bringing me to this point…yet here I am.  Yeah, it doesn’t make sense most days–I have to come back to the data and the numbers on paper to try and make sense of it all because my head and heart are still trying to catch up with my body and still reconcile it all.  That’ll happen in God’s time, I’m confident of that.  But, man, I wouldn’t trade this ride for the world–a far cry from the girl who couldn’t walk to the end of the street and back without wanting to die a couple years ago.  Those goals have brought me a long way, but it’s not been alone and in my own strength and own will.  I’m excited to see what happens next.

God’s timing is always perfect.  Yesterday I had a good conversation with someone I respect in a time of reflection and review where I verbalized something that I maybe had thought about, but hadn’t necessarily put the words to…I was asked about time off/taking a day off.  I don’t.  I know the reasons why it’s not healthy–I don’t need to be reminded, but in discussion the words came out of my mouth that got to the root of the issue, I am compensating for guilt.

I am in a place in my life right now where I’m (literally and figuratively) running circles around my former self.  I feel like I have to make up that time of complacency in ministry and other areas of life from what I wasted essentially sitting in my personal sin.

Ouch.  Well…once it’s verbalized, now I gotta hash out these feelings now that I realize them.  Crud.  The wheels are in motion…can’t promise I’ll be taking a regular day off any time soon, but I get it.  There’s some flawed thinking here that needs to be reframed.

Anyway, in one of our Bible study groups today, we were studying a bit on our worth and identity in Christ, and did an exercise where we took scripture and reworked it a bit to be God’s personal note to us based on the wellness study we’re doing and had an example as a guide….I don’t claim myself to have a way with words and used one of the more poignant phrases from the example, but this hit me pretty hard once I saw it inked out when we shared our results with the group:

“I love you, Stephanie.  I loved you at your worst and I (will) love you at your best.  I love you and no number on the scale will ever change that–you are My child, called for My great purpose.  You aren’t on this path to become a size two or achieve a magic number, you are learning obedience to My desires for your overall health and wellness, because I desire you to be healthy in every sense of the word.  I know your name, Stephanie, now rest in the security of My Name and all that it means to your identity.”  (ref. Isaiah 45:2-3)

Well, there’s still work to be done…thank God I’m not alone.  He’s with me.

…And most of the words are good!

I find it amusing that the morning of the pinnacle of our full throttle professional season is when I have the overwhelming need to sit down for a good mind dump.  Well, when the Spirit and fingers move, and you know you’re not going to be productive until you vent it…get it done.

I feel like I’ve been living in a whirlwind the last couple of months and I’m so ready to take a deep breath.  It’s coming.  A few more hurdles personally and professionally to round out this literal time frame, and once that calendar date page flips in several weeks, the focus shifts back to a more balanced place and hopefully my body as such can biochemically stop backfiring and get back to center too–I think one of those new (old) words might be chipping there a bit too.

Okay, so why I feel like a roving dictionary…this is a time of year where we are engaged in a lot of introspective processes professionally and get a lot of data from internal and external sources to process, ponder, evaluate, and act upon professionally.  This year, my husband and I also get to do the same thing personally as part of our ministry responsibilities.  I am probably one of the few people that look at this exhaustive process with anticipation–we all know I like data, and I like to take the data and see what we can do with it to make things better.  If there’s a problem, let’s fix it.  Transparency.  It’s constructive and never meant to be a tool of destruction for anyone.  It’s good stuff. Accountability.

So, there’s been a few words that stick out to me through this whirlwind that have really caused me some pause, prayer, thought, study, and even some discussion among those I hold close in some cases:

Forgiveness-I’ve touched on this before, but darn it, God’s not going to let me sit with unforgiveness forever.  I knew it.  I carry some baggage that I know I don’t need to carry but I haven’t been quite ready to leave it because my anger still burns hotter than the hottest day in hell, and I still don’t see that quelling anytime soon, but I am seeing how that spiritual deficit of carrying that unforgiveness in this situation is hurting me in the long run, and I’m (slowly and stubbornly) taking the steps with God as He shows me each next right move to start unloading this bit by bit.  I’m smart enough to not allow it to destroy me–it almost did once, and nothing will ever have that power over me again.

Boldness-I’m a pretty conservative person.  Snarky, sarcastic, and cynical for sure–but pretty conservative, and though transparent, I play more than one would think close to the vest.   I am not a risk taker, but I have had situations, conversations, and opportunities to share parts of my testimony in context that I normally don’t wear on my sleeve.  It’s not out of shame, embarrassment, or anything negative–it’s just that those things don’t define me, they were merely stepping stones on the path to where God has brought me today.  I find myself using some of these examples more in general conversation without reservation, and it’s okay (once I settle the conga line in my brain that kicks in after the words come out of my mouth thinking, “what in the world did you just say” and I realize it’s all good)

Presence-I’ve also talked about the big disconnect before, on how I still feel like I’m still the person that I was when I still started this journey–that I am still that complacent, unhealthy, stagnant individual and that I can’t compute the progress that I’ve made.  I’m not going to sit here and pretend one iota that I can accept success and compliments and understand it all on a realistic level…God hasn’t gotten me to that point yet, but I can say that in the moment it’s getting easier to celebrate the accomplishments, that it feels good to do good, and the reconciling of thoughts and ideas isn’t quite the foreign concept as it used to be…some days are better than others, but I remain firm in this holistic journey that out of physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual health–shoring up and altering that emotional component is the most complicated spoke in the wheel.

Athlete-Okay, this is a fun one.  Last week I signed my final sponsorship agreement with Race Everywhere now that all the details have been hashed out to make sure that they’re satisfied and that I’m not violating any ministry policies on my end.  It’s going to be pretty cool, I’m very excited for the opportunity that has come about–I’m grateful that I took the chance and submitted the application for this sponsorship, in the end I get to brand a cool start up that believe in and they are fueling my hobby for a little while.  Can’t go wrong!  Anyway, when I opened the final contract, it was almost a surreal experience to see myself referred to as “athlete” in the verbiage.  That’s one of those disconnect moments where I just have to stop and thank God in how far I’ve come and feel the overwhelming gratitude for the goals I have yet to meet in that area.  It’s amazing.

Lifelong learning doesn’t always happen in a classroom.  It’s sometimes just taking that moment in the midst of life to look around at what’s going on around you and finding the lessons in the chaos.  And it’s good.

The last few weeks have been nothing if but overwhelming.  There’s been a lot of great things happening, some not good things, and well, a little bit of life sprinkled in too.  It would be easy to just ride the wave of the amazing news and think that life is stellar for my husband and I, but I’m also just not that naive either.

There have been so many answers to prayer–so many answers, some years in the waiting, are just confirmation that walking this path of obedience is living out God’s will for me for this time of my life.  It’s amazing.  There’s so much peace that comes in that.  There’s a lot of responsibility that comes in that too–because now there’s a lot of follow-through in the footwork.  That’s okay, I’m ready.  I asked for it, and I’m not alone.

I’ve been trying to sort it all out in my head and heart because it seems like a lot coming all at once, and we all know I don’t like the routine disruptions–even when they’re good.  They help me meet my goals, they make an impact on the Kingdom, and honestly–it’s God-sized dreams coming true before my very eyes.  I think in trying to get a grip on it all I’ve been trying to push myself a little bit harder on the things that I can control–the tangible things.

Enter crazy Stephanie.  I’ve started to tighten the reigns on some of the physical things I can control.  Oh, your some of your physical goals are going great?  Well–let’s step it up.  You’ve hit the next lower weight bracket and your body needs less fuel to survive, so time to lower your calorie ceiling again.  Logical–yes.  But we all know this makes my mind go nutty for a few days even though I know I’m not hungry.  I go for my upcoming skin cancer pre-op appointment and the doctor tells me that recovery is different than the scheduling nurse told me over the phone–not only is it longer, it’s more extensive–doctor says no running hard, lifting weights, or resistance training for the now TWO weeks I’ll be in stitches.  What’s left?  Lousy cardio at the gym.  Boo.  So what do I do…get a bug up my rear and increase training intensity over the last week and put my body through the wringer to the point I’m limping today, thinking I’m going to keep this up another two weeks before my surgery when I can’t go at it like I usually do for two weeks.  Insanity.  Good grief–I’ve gone and lost my ever loving mind.

Oh thank heavens this is a holistic journey…

Husband took some time away to visit with his family this weekend while I attended to life here at home.  Which, unfortunately left me with a little bit of time to kill in my head (because I’m pathetically lacking in social skills and have no life).  I don’t do silence…recent years have left me with an irrational fear of silence that incites my fight or flight instinct and, well, that’s another story for another time.  I need things to keep me occupied.  I got to thinking though about some of the different mental/emotional goals that I’ve been working on and different things that I’ve been struggling with and trying to come to peace with.  It’s been a long time coming.  There’s some baggage on a few heavy issues that I carry that, I’m sorry, I’m human…and pain is real.  The Holy Spirit has really been chipping away at one of these, and I’ve started to pray on the courage and boldness to take the next steps to have some discussions and take one of these burdens off my shoulders.  I think almost 20 years of carrying it around is enough…how long can we beat ourselves up over teenage choices anyway? I feel like I’m ready to tell my side of the story in that particular instance–because I am not sure how many more years I can be haunted by the look in another party’s eyes wondering if there was another plot twist in a bigger saga and I stayed silent.  Another is a matter of forgiveness, and I’ve talked about that in a different blog post….God’s still going to have to come at me with a 2×4 on that one, I will be very honest in that anger and pain still blurs any kind of compassion and love that could be present in that case.  Progress, not perfection…there’s changes happening, and it’s good.

This whole season of the year is nutty for so many different reasons, and I try not to fixate on the reasons why and just keep swimming.  This too shall pass.  There’s so much to look forward to and a lot happening around me to keep me occupied–I just need to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and my mind on those goals that He’s got for me.

The wallpaper on my laptop is a forest trail with a quote from the great Steve Prefontaine (I think it may also be my Facebook cover photo with a different backdrop…) that says, “Don’t be afraid to give up the good and go for the great.” On my office docking station monitor, I have a little post-it with the reminder, “fortitudine vincimus” (by endurance we shall conquer) along with another acronym I was recently introduced to that I mentioned a few posts ago.  My iPhone wallpaper, another trail, with the words, “I will.  Just watch me.”

I intentionally surround myself with positive thoughts, with things that drive me, encourage me, spark my mind and spirit, and sometimes light something even deeper that keep me moving forward.

The reality is friends, is that willpower is a myth, it’s not a thing that some people have and some people don’t–life is full of choices and you make the decisions that you make to get you closer to your goals or further away, that’s the reality of life.  The choice is yours and yours alone.

Motivation fades.  I would love to tell you that I wake up everyday rip-roaring and ready to go.  Am I excited for what’s ahead? Most of the time in recent years, sure–because most of the time my holistic self is in tune.  I don’t wake up thinking, “yippee let’s workout!”–but I do get to look at from the lens of where it fits into my goals, and that’s all about perspective because remember, my goals aren’t just weight loss (that’s a byproduct)…they’re spiritual and emotional too.  And motivation really fades when you focus solely on those physical goals–especially when you’re doing everything “right” and the scale stalls, inches don’t drop, and life doesn’t play fair for a little while…it’s easy to get discouraged.

So what’s left? Why try? What’s worth the effort?

Victory.

It’s not about meeting this exhaustive list of short term and long term goals or finish lines.  It’s not about losing weight.  It’s about a connection to my Savior and the deepening of a relationship with God that I never dreamed possible before.  It’s humbling as a pastor, as someone who has answered the call to serve God and man, who has the “book knowledge” and education and professional training, to acknowledge the fact how much my personal spiritual life was lacking and see how much it has changed and grown and developed–and be excited in anticipation where God is leading me next.  It’s good stuff, and I’m excited to share this with others.

I’m getting to do this in a lot of ways…I do that here, just by mind-dumping my thoughts, by being fairly transparent on Facebook, and with a lot of people that I come into contact with through a number of different programs and ministry groups.  A new outlet too will be sharing my story through Race Everywhere.  I’ve also got some opportunities coming up with some coaching (on the receiving end) I’ll be starting this week for the next six months (because I’m not busy enough…) and hopefully very soon some other really exciting things that I’ve been praying on that appear to be close to coming to reality! (I know, right!)

Keeping my eyes on victory, on being obedient to God’s will for me–even in the disappointment (and yes–while my tone is quite different, do not be fooled, I am still livid and poised for wall-busting), it makes each day a little easier to face, to not be consumed…because you know what?  My DNF…that was the topper of a series of “you’ve got to be kidding me?” moments lately.  Just to name a few…we’re in audit and review season (read: mountains of paperwork), we just went through some minor cancer with our dog who is thankfully now fine, and two days before our Toughman triathlon I got the call that I will be having surgery to have an area of aggressive skin cancer removed towards the end of next month that I discovered prior to a regular checkup (I had melanoma almost 9 years ago and get checked often, and praise God it’s not melanoma again, but it’s not good either, and I’m thankful I’m super vigilant and didn’t wait another several months for a regular skin check)…I think I’m more angry my workout schedule gets interrupted for a week due to the location of the stitches.  There’s other things too…but life just happens.

Moving forward, keeping my eyes on the prize.  So yeah, today it is looking at some physical goals because those are tangible–those get my adrenaline pumping and my heart soaring.  I’ve spent my downtime looking at my fall races and setting up the calendar according to the training plans to make sure I’m ready to smash those finish lines without a doubt (because we all know I don’t leave variables).  There’s also a lot more that goes into that too than just the workouts…it’s balancing travel and ministry, responsibilities, family time, nutrition and proper eating, rest, and making sure that I’m still nourishing my soul and spirit in the process.  My runs are some of my time with God, but not all of it–but I look forward to the conversations on the miles ahead.  It’s going to be good.

God bless my husband, for he has certainly taken the brunt of my inability to sort and place my emotions where they belong this week.  I’m not sure where this fit in our marriage vows, but I’m sure I wrote it in there somewhere.  He can’t get in my head to understand my feelings, and I don’t have the words to explain it to him–but I know that he knows what it means to have the desire to put your fist through a wall, so we’re on the same page, and we’re mostly at an understanding. (And my knuckles are fully intact, and no walls have been harmed…yet.)

I’ve just decided that my brain is incapable of processing what I’m not sure it is I’m even trying to process over failing…acceptance? anger? guilt? sadness? rejection? I just don’t get it.  There’s so much in my head and heart right now that several days down the line I can’t make sense of it–and I feel stupid for feeling this way, like I shouldn’t be taking it this hard.  I’m just trying to move on with life around me with whatever these feelings are and continually and often keep turning it over to God, hoping maybe for some clarity, but more so, just looking for the next right action.  That’s where it’s always been in this journey of obedience from the day where I surrendered it all out in frustration–waiting for that next right action.

I feel almost like I’ve run away instead of facing life–we’re actually on furlough right now, something we don’t do enough.  In nine years, we have never taken all of our annual furlough time (most of the time, not even the majority of it).  Since I (we) are all about goals now, it’s a goal that we’re going to take that time this year.  It’s a tall order–it would be near impossible to get away from our routine without cancelling too many commitments and take a couple long trips, so we’ve broken it up into five or six shorter trips that don’t cause as many tidal waves in our schedule.  We also feel really guilty when we leave our church congregation (because they are our family too!)–we have a great substitute that’s happy to fill in for us, but we hate leaving our pulpit too.  So we’re not missing too many Sundays–this week we’ll be back on Saturday, but it is still a good break!

It’s been good to get away though.  Comfy clothes, no schedule, doing what we want when we want–that’s the nice part.  I got to go running at the beach with our dog this morning and it was incredible, but tomorrow morning she’s staying with hubby so I can run on the water’s edge (can’t take her on the sand…city laws).  We did some shopping and had some good meals and people watched from restaurant patios…it’s been nice.  Doesn’t get me out of my head, but it is a nice distraction.

Today we were at an outlet mall, and while some gals would’ve been ga-ga over Coach, Michael Kors, Ann Taylor…I was happy to check out Under Armour, Nike, Merrell, Adidas, Reebok, and Roadrunner Sports. (Only thing missing was a New Balance store…but then again, I might have cashed in our retirement funds if there was, just kidding! I spent a whopping $30 today!)  Granted, these stores have not always been appealing to me, I have come to find the products that I seek and like in them, but usually can only see things in store and can’t purchase them off the rack there and have to order online. Why?

Size.

Now…let’s put this rant into perspective, I’m several months of good effort and about 40 more pounds away from this being a completely moot point, as many, many more products I can pull off the rack now that I am no longer circus-freak fat and approaching just normal person fat and am now wearing pretty average sizes, but c’mon now.  I can attest to you by just a handful of the hundreds of social media pages I follow….fat people run.  Fat people bike.  Fat people play sports.  Sell this stuff in your stores people!

I like shopping local.  Yes, I’m all for an Amazon deal and am not a fan of going shopping (for anything…), and I get that plus-sized running is a niche market (oh, I’m sorry–we make it cute in racing: Athena and Clydesdale *cue eye rolling*), but I shouldn’t have to search the ends of the earth either to find the gear to meet my needs when the average sized person next to me can get most everything they need at the neighborhood Big-5 or bike/running shop.  Also, expertise…local stores come with staff and customers that know stuff, but how do I come and access your knowledge base if I’m not shopping in your store because I know you can’t meet my needs?  Yeah…I could keep ranting….but it’s just my pouty tired brain at this point.

So, in the midst of feeling like I’m running away, I’m still actually running in a stunning place.  Got another endurance sports place on our agenda to check out tomorrow on our travels when we hit up coffee on the way to the lagoon.  I also chose my sponsored race (half marathon) that I sent in to Race Everywhere for this fall after my upcoming race at Salinas Valley Half Marathon in August, so more on that later.  Tonight I just pray for my head to shut up and for good sleep…hoping those requests are on God’s short list.

I’m working on making some sense of it all in my head.

It’s going to get self-centered around here for a minute, and probably a bit narcissistic while I hash this one out.  You’ve been warned.

I don’t like things that don’t wrap up into a pretty little bow and move on.  I like calculation and routine and predicted outcome.  I’m not happy with the unexpected.  I’m hurt, and honestly, I’m downright angry–and that’s not even a strong enough word for how hot my blood is boiling, and I don’t like it one bit.  I’m losing sleep over it, I’m not myself, and I need a serious attitude adjustment–stat.  It’s not my personality and moreover it’s not Christlike.

I find my emotionally stunted self once again on my knees pleading for what my next right action is because it dawned on me very early this morning as I was responding to a text that I didn’t see last night that I have no idea what that action is, because I’ve never been in this position before where I’ve seen there to be a choice.  Whenever something has gotten hard in the past, whenever something had brought me disappointment, I’ve just walked away–I’ve given up.  Yeah, there was a choice in that–but that was always the only choice, the only consideration that I’ve made. My old self would have just quit and been done with it. I guess I see the converse now, that quitting is not even an option because I’m so far propelled in the process of many different goals (and I’m not talking miles, or races, or weight loss here–it’s so much more than that).

I’m no great science whiz, physics was cool and all–I’m strictly a math and numbers girl all the way, I’ll do algebraic equations all day long.  But I do understand the concept of inertia…(and I also understand combustion–HA!)  Two of Newton’s laws apply here.  (loosely interpreted)

Law 1: I am a body in motion and have been enacted upon by an unbalanced force.

I’ve been taken out of even what is the “new normal” (I’ve talked about the new normal before in other posts) and now get to figure out feelings.  Established fact–feelings and I don’t get along, we don’t understand each other because I don’t comprehend them and I can’t put words to them.  So instead, I lay awake at night with my pit bull trying to nose me out of bed ruminating the same scenarios over and over again.  Since we know quitting isn’t a choice, and we know (figuratively) killing myself to overcome is also not the choice that will be made, there will be the happy medium in the middle somewhere of intelligently moving forward…and I’ll reach that point once this anger dissipates, but I’m not sure what that’s going to take to get there, I’m praying God gets through to me on this one sooner rather than later for the sanity of those around me.

Law 3: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I refuse to run and hide.  I refuse to retreat.  I will not quit.  I will look failure in the face despite its sting.  There’s some lessons here I need to look at and apply.  I will come out stronger and better as a result, in many ways.  God’s working even in the midst of my self-centeredness at this moment–I’ve had a couple pretty cool things happen the last few days that “should” snap me out of this funk…and they are amazing, but yeah…anyway…

I had a little discussion on Sunday with some powers that be about getting started on some educational and professional development goals that not only feed into my personal goals, but will have a great ripple effect in our ministry structure–that was some fuel to show me that God’s working on not only my prayers, but I’m on the right track with His will too.

Another cool piece of news was that I was accepted as a sponsored athlete with a cool startup, Race Everywhere.  You’ll be hearing more on that over the year on a couple different platforms, so I’m not going to wear out what that entails yet–but the encouragement that comes from someone else (and their company) taking a chance on me to promote their brand as I become a better athlete and race for under their name for the year is pretty cool.  Again, with that comes learning and knowledge–and I take it where I can get it.

So, I’m still not sure where this leaves me this morning other than tired, emotionally drained from trying to figure out what’s in my head, and continuing to move at the speed of life.  All I know is I’m still here, quitting is never a choice, I’m still stubborn, and God’s not done working on me yet.