The last few weeks have been nothing if but overwhelming. There’s been a lot of great things happening, some not good things, and well, a little bit of life sprinkled in too. It would be easy to just ride the wave of the amazing news and think that life is stellar for my husband and I, but I’m also just not that naive either.
There have been so many answers to prayer–so many answers, some years in the waiting, are just confirmation that walking this path of obedience is living out God’s will for me for this time of my life. It’s amazing. There’s so much peace that comes in that. There’s a lot of responsibility that comes in that too–because now there’s a lot of follow-through in the footwork. That’s okay, I’m ready. I asked for it, and I’m not alone.
I’ve been trying to sort it all out in my head and heart because it seems like a lot coming all at once, and we all know I don’t like the routine disruptions–even when they’re good. They help me meet my goals, they make an impact on the Kingdom, and honestly–it’s God-sized dreams coming true before my very eyes. I think in trying to get a grip on it all I’ve been trying to push myself a little bit harder on the things that I can control–the tangible things.
Enter crazy Stephanie. I’ve started to tighten the reigns on some of the physical things I can control. Oh, your some of your physical goals are going great? Well–let’s step it up. You’ve hit the next lower weight bracket and your body needs less fuel to survive, so time to lower your calorie ceiling again. Logical–yes. But we all know this makes my mind go nutty for a few days even though I know I’m not hungry. I go for my upcoming skin cancer pre-op appointment and the doctor tells me that recovery is different than the scheduling nurse told me over the phone–not only is it longer, it’s more extensive–doctor says no running hard, lifting weights, or resistance training for the now TWO weeks I’ll be in stitches. What’s left? Lousy cardio at the gym. Boo. So what do I do…get a bug up my rear and increase training intensity over the last week and put my body through the wringer to the point I’m limping today, thinking I’m going to keep this up another two weeks before my surgery when I can’t go at it like I usually do for two weeks. Insanity. Good grief–I’ve gone and lost my ever loving mind.
Oh thank heavens this is a holistic journey…
Husband took some time away to visit with his family this weekend while I attended to life here at home. Which, unfortunately left me with a little bit of time to kill in my head (because I’m pathetically lacking in social skills and have no life). I don’t do silence…recent years have left me with an irrational fear of silence that incites my fight or flight instinct and, well, that’s another story for another time. I need things to keep me occupied. I got to thinking though about some of the different mental/emotional goals that I’ve been working on and different things that I’ve been struggling with and trying to come to peace with. It’s been a long time coming. There’s some baggage on a few heavy issues that I carry that, I’m sorry, I’m human…and pain is real. The Holy Spirit has really been chipping away at one of these, and I’ve started to pray on the courage and boldness to take the next steps to have some discussions and take one of these burdens off my shoulders. I think almost 20 years of carrying it around is enough…how long can we beat ourselves up over teenage choices anyway? I feel like I’m ready to tell my side of the story in that particular instance–because I am not sure how many more years I can be haunted by the look in another party’s eyes wondering if there was another plot twist in a bigger saga and I stayed silent. Another is a matter of forgiveness, and I’ve talked about that in a different blog post….God’s still going to have to come at me with a 2×4 on that one, I will be very honest in that anger and pain still blurs any kind of compassion and love that could be present in that case. Progress, not perfection…there’s changes happening, and it’s good.
This whole season of the year is nutty for so many different reasons, and I try not to fixate on the reasons why and just keep swimming. This too shall pass. There’s so much to look forward to and a lot happening around me to keep me occupied–I just need to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and my mind on those goals that He’s got for me.