Adding To My Vocabulary

…And most of the words are good!

I find it amusing that the morning of the pinnacle of our full throttle professional season is when I have the overwhelming need to sit down for a good mind dump.  Well, when the Spirit and fingers move, and you know you’re not going to be productive until you vent it…get it done.

I feel like I’ve been living in a whirlwind the last couple of months and I’m so ready to take a deep breath.  It’s coming.  A few more hurdles personally and professionally to round out this literal time frame, and once that calendar date page flips in several weeks, the focus shifts back to a more balanced place and hopefully my body as such can biochemically stop backfiring and get back to center too–I think one of those new (old) words might be chipping there a bit too.

Okay, so why I feel like a roving dictionary…this is a time of year where we are engaged in a lot of introspective processes professionally and get a lot of data from internal and external sources to process, ponder, evaluate, and act upon professionally.  This year, my husband and I also get to do the same thing personally as part of our ministry responsibilities.  I am probably one of the few people that look at this exhaustive process with anticipation–we all know I like data, and I like to take the data and see what we can do with it to make things better.  If there’s a problem, let’s fix it.  Transparency.  It’s constructive and never meant to be a tool of destruction for anyone.  It’s good stuff. Accountability.

So, there’s been a few words that stick out to me through this whirlwind that have really caused me some pause, prayer, thought, study, and even some discussion among those I hold close in some cases:

Forgiveness-I’ve touched on this before, but darn it, God’s not going to let me sit with unforgiveness forever.  I knew it.  I carry some baggage that I know I don’t need to carry but I haven’t been quite ready to leave it because my anger still burns hotter than the hottest day in hell, and I still don’t see that quelling anytime soon, but I am seeing how that spiritual deficit of carrying that unforgiveness in this situation is hurting me in the long run, and I’m (slowly and stubbornly) taking the steps with God as He shows me each next right move to start unloading this bit by bit.  I’m smart enough to not allow it to destroy me–it almost did once, and nothing will ever have that power over me again.

Boldness-I’m a pretty conservative person.  Snarky, sarcastic, and cynical for sure–but pretty conservative, and though transparent, I play more than one would think close to the vest.   I am not a risk taker, but I have had situations, conversations, and opportunities to share parts of my testimony in context that I normally don’t wear on my sleeve.  It’s not out of shame, embarrassment, or anything negative–it’s just that those things don’t define me, they were merely stepping stones on the path to where God has brought me today.  I find myself using some of these examples more in general conversation without reservation, and it’s okay (once I settle the conga line in my brain that kicks in after the words come out of my mouth thinking, “what in the world did you just say” and I realize it’s all good)

Presence-I’ve also talked about the big disconnect before, on how I still feel like I’m still the person that I was when I still started this journey–that I am still that complacent, unhealthy, stagnant individual and that I can’t compute the progress that I’ve made.  I’m not going to sit here and pretend one iota that I can accept success and compliments and understand it all on a realistic level…God hasn’t gotten me to that point yet, but I can say that in the moment it’s getting easier to celebrate the accomplishments, that it feels good to do good, and the reconciling of thoughts and ideas isn’t quite the foreign concept as it used to be…some days are better than others, but I remain firm in this holistic journey that out of physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual health–shoring up and altering that emotional component is the most complicated spoke in the wheel.

Athlete-Okay, this is a fun one.  Last week I signed my final sponsorship agreement with Race Everywhere now that all the details have been hashed out to make sure that they’re satisfied and that I’m not violating any ministry policies on my end.  It’s going to be pretty cool, I’m very excited for the opportunity that has come about–I’m grateful that I took the chance and submitted the application for this sponsorship, in the end I get to brand a cool start up that believe in and they are fueling my hobby for a little while.  Can’t go wrong!  Anyway, when I opened the final contract, it was almost a surreal experience to see myself referred to as “athlete” in the verbiage.  That’s one of those disconnect moments where I just have to stop and thank God in how far I’ve come and feel the overwhelming gratitude for the goals I have yet to meet in that area.  It’s amazing.

Lifelong learning doesn’t always happen in a classroom.  It’s sometimes just taking that moment in the midst of life to look around at what’s going on around you and finding the lessons in the chaos.  And it’s good.