God bless my husband, for he has certainly taken the brunt of my inability to sort and place my emotions where they belong this week. I’m not sure where this fit in our marriage vows, but I’m sure I wrote it in there somewhere. He can’t get in my head to understand my feelings, and I don’t have the words to explain it to him–but I know that he knows what it means to have the desire to put your fist through a wall, so we’re on the same page, and we’re mostly at an understanding. (And my knuckles are fully intact, and no walls have been harmed…yet.)
I’ve just decided that my brain is incapable of processing what I’m not sure it is I’m even trying to process over failing…acceptance? anger? guilt? sadness? rejection? I just don’t get it. There’s so much in my head and heart right now that several days down the line I can’t make sense of it–and I feel stupid for feeling this way, like I shouldn’t be taking it this hard. I’m just trying to move on with life around me with whatever these feelings are and continually and often keep turning it over to God, hoping maybe for some clarity, but more so, just looking for the next right action. That’s where it’s always been in this journey of obedience from the day where I surrendered it all out in frustration–waiting for that next right action.
I feel almost like I’ve run away instead of facing life–we’re actually on furlough right now, something we don’t do enough. In nine years, we have never taken all of our annual furlough time (most of the time, not even the majority of it). Since I (we) are all about goals now, it’s a goal that we’re going to take that time this year. It’s a tall order–it would be near impossible to get away from our routine without cancelling too many commitments and take a couple long trips, so we’ve broken it up into five or six shorter trips that don’t cause as many tidal waves in our schedule. We also feel really guilty when we leave our church congregation (because they are our family too!)–we have a great substitute that’s happy to fill in for us, but we hate leaving our pulpit too. So we’re not missing too many Sundays–this week we’ll be back on Saturday, but it is still a good break!
It’s been good to get away though. Comfy clothes, no schedule, doing what we want when we want–that’s the nice part. I got to go running at the beach with our dog this morning and it was incredible, but tomorrow morning she’s staying with hubby so I can run on the water’s edge (can’t take her on the sand…city laws). We did some shopping and had some good meals and people watched from restaurant patios…it’s been nice. Doesn’t get me out of my head, but it is a nice distraction.
Today we were at an outlet mall, and while some gals would’ve been ga-ga over Coach, Michael Kors, Ann Taylor…I was happy to check out Under Armour, Nike, Merrell, Adidas, Reebok, and Roadrunner Sports. (Only thing missing was a New Balance store…but then again, I might have cashed in our retirement funds if there was, just kidding! I spent a whopping $30 today!) Granted, these stores have not always been appealing to me, I have come to find the products that I seek and like in them, but usually can only see things in store and can’t purchase them off the rack there and have to order online. Why?
Now…let’s put this rant into perspective, I’m several months of good effort and about 40 more pounds away from this being a completely moot point, as many, many more products I can pull off the rack now that I am no longer circus-freak fat and approaching just normal person fat and am now wearing pretty average sizes, but c’mon now. I can attest to you by just a handful of the hundreds of social media pages I follow….fat people run. Fat people bike. Fat people play sports. Sell this stuff in your stores people!
I like shopping local. Yes, I’m all for an Amazon deal and am not a fan of going shopping (for anything…), and I get that plus-sized running is a niche market (oh, I’m sorry–we make it cute in racing: Athena and Clydesdale *cue eye rolling*), but I shouldn’t have to search the ends of the earth either to find the gear to meet my needs when the average sized person next to me can get most everything they need at the neighborhood Big-5 or bike/running shop. Also, expertise…local stores come with staff and customers that know stuff, but how do I come and access your knowledge base if I’m not shopping in your store because I know you can’t meet my needs? Yeah…I could keep ranting….but it’s just my pouty tired brain at this point.
So, in the midst of feeling like I’m running away, I’m still actually running in a stunning place. Got another endurance sports place on our agenda to check out tomorrow on our travels when we hit up coffee on the way to the lagoon. I also chose my sponsored race (half marathon) that I sent in to Race Everywhere for this fall after my upcoming race at Salinas Valley Half Marathon in August, so more on that later. Tonight I just pray for my head to shut up and for good sleep…hoping those requests are on God’s short list.