I’m working on making some sense of it all in my head.
It’s going to get self-centered around here for a minute, and probably a bit narcissistic while I hash this one out. You’ve been warned.
I don’t like things that don’t wrap up into a pretty little bow and move on. I like calculation and routine and predicted outcome. I’m not happy with the unexpected. I’m hurt, and honestly, I’m downright angry–and that’s not even a strong enough word for how hot my blood is boiling, and I don’t like it one bit. I’m losing sleep over it, I’m not myself, and I need a serious attitude adjustment–stat. It’s not my personality and moreover it’s not Christlike.
I find my emotionally stunted self once again on my knees pleading for what my next right action is because it dawned on me very early this morning as I was responding to a text that I didn’t see last night that I have no idea what that action is, because I’ve never been in this position before where I’ve seen there to be a choice. Whenever something has gotten hard in the past, whenever something had brought me disappointment, I’ve just walked away–I’ve given up. Yeah, there was a choice in that–but that was always the only choice, the only consideration that I’ve made. My old self would have just quit and been done with it. I guess I see the converse now, that quitting is not even an option because I’m so far propelled in the process of many different goals (and I’m not talking miles, or races, or weight loss here–it’s so much more than that).
I’m no great science whiz, physics was cool and all–I’m strictly a math and numbers girl all the way, I’ll do algebraic equations all day long. But I do understand the concept of inertia…(and I also understand combustion–HA!) Two of Newton’s laws apply here. (loosely interpreted)
Law 1: I am a body in motion and have been enacted upon by an unbalanced force.
I’ve been taken out of even what is the “new normal” (I’ve talked about the new normal before in other posts) and now get to figure out feelings. Established fact–feelings and I don’t get along, we don’t understand each other because I don’t comprehend them and I can’t put words to them. So instead, I lay awake at night with my pit bull trying to nose me out of bed ruminating the same scenarios over and over again. Since we know quitting isn’t a choice, and we know (figuratively) killing myself to overcome is also not the choice that will be made, there will be the happy medium in the middle somewhere of intelligently moving forward…and I’ll reach that point once this anger dissipates, but I’m not sure what that’s going to take to get there, I’m praying God gets through to me on this one sooner rather than later for the sanity of those around me.
Law 3: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I refuse to run and hide. I refuse to retreat. I will not quit. I will look failure in the face despite its sting. There’s some lessons here I need to look at and apply. I will come out stronger and better as a result, in many ways. God’s working even in the midst of my self-centeredness at this moment–I’ve had a couple pretty cool things happen the last few days that “should” snap me out of this funk…and they are amazing, but yeah…anyway…
I had a little discussion on Sunday with some powers that be about getting started on some educational and professional development goals that not only feed into my personal goals, but will have a great ripple effect in our ministry structure–that was some fuel to show me that God’s working on not only my prayers, but I’m on the right track with His will too.
Another cool piece of news was that I was accepted as a sponsored athlete with a cool startup, Race Everywhere. You’ll be hearing more on that over the year on a couple different platforms, so I’m not going to wear out what that entails yet–but the encouragement that comes from someone else (and their company) taking a chance on me to promote their brand as I become a better athlete and race for under their name for the year is pretty cool. Again, with that comes learning and knowledge–and I take it where I can get it.
So, I’m still not sure where this leaves me this morning other than tired, emotionally drained from trying to figure out what’s in my head, and continuing to move at the speed of life. All I know is I’m still here, quitting is never a choice, I’m still stubborn, and God’s not done working on me yet.