Stephanie Under Construction Blog

Other than band, it is safe to say my favorite subject in school was algebra.  I love algebra.  I like solving variable problems with a definite and defined answer.  Equations excite me because you can work them backwards and forwards and always come up with a right or wrong answer–there’s no question, no grey area.  They can be simple or complex, but there’s a step-by-step process to the end result.

I’m a pretty analytical thinker.  I like to observe, read, absorb, and critically think and evaluate new things…well, anything really.  I am not a person that learns through group work or activity.  It drives me batty.  Give me a chance to wrap my mind around an idea or concept, then we can hash it out together, I’ll share my opinion, and likely even question and play devil’s advocate in the mix.  There are times when I don’t say much, but don’t misunderstand it for disinterest–I may just surprise you later with my passion in that arena.  That’s the introvert in me rearing its head.

Something I see the more I sit back and absorb is how life fits together.  It’s messy, it’s unpredictable, it’s random–but have you ever noticed how it all fits together in a beautifully wonderful package that we never could have orchestrated on our own?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the many different hats I wear…we joke around sometimes in our particular ministry that those in our position are jack of all trades and master of none.  I think jokingly in my mind that if I ever sat down to update my resume, it would be about ten pages long–no joke, the records of my professional development in all fields since completing my undergrad well over a decade ago fills a three inch binder.  I may not have multiple advanced degrees, but I have taken the time to pursue and chase down learning opportunities that fulfill the needs of my ministry, my interests and passions, and what’s important to me.  The fact they don’t add up to additional pieces of paper is rather inconsequential to me.  I think sometimes about a masters program…but I can’t decide what I want to cook most days, trying to make the decision between my desired programs for an MBA, MSW, or MDiv is impossible…I waver on that on a daily basis, and I’m not investing the time and effort for something I’m not totally sold on.

I could have never in my life pictured to be where I am and doing what I do…not on a bet.  Twenty years ago, the picture unequivocally showed that I was aiming for the goal of being a high school band director.  Where I am now?  No where on that radar.  When I look at life in the rearview mirror, it makes me laugh a little bit that in the same day I can be a friend working out at the gym, to dispensing crisis assistance, to providing pastoral counsel, to addressing a boardroom of business professionals, and ending that day laughing with friends or acquaintances over a meal, (while they partake in) happy hour, or just sitting around talking mindlessly in my living room or theirs for hours on end.  (Well, that last part is more a pipe dream…my inept social skills and irrational fear of rejection cause me to not be the pursuer of those situations.  Working on that fear, not to mention the arrogance in wishing others would come to me)

When I look at my calendar, it appears so schizophrenic that I sometimes feel like I go in so many different directions, I question if I am making a difference in any one area.  This is where my faith has to fill in the gaps.  God’s got bigger plans than me.  All of the different avenues of service I am involved in, all of the different groups and arenas that I participate, they really do interconnect.  How does counseling a single mother on the necessary resources to assist her in the IEP process to fight for her child’s rights, helping her to realize she’s not alone, and providing her the spiritual support she needs in that situation relate to speaking to a room of professionals on the impact of networking resources in the preparedness, response, recovery, and mitigation phases of disaster management?  On paper, they don’t to our human eyes.

As I’ve been really thinking on this lately, I’ve decided they’re all just puzzle pieces–life isn’t my pretty algebraic equation.  We all have parts of the puzzle, just different pieces and different numbers of pieces.  They are all important to creating the picture.  I liken the complete picture to God’s plan for each of our lives–it’s a beautiful creation, but we can’t see the end result.  We take those methodical steps to solving the puzzle…figuring out how the pieces fit, building the frame first, and then filling in the sections that make sense.  And then one day the complete picture appears.  For believers, we understand that this is not revealed until we see Jesus face to face, and that’s okay.  But the point remains is that those parts of us, those things that don’t seemingly relate, all fit together for the most radiant of purposes that God has created for each and every one of us as individuals.  I don’t know what my finished puzzle looks like, but right now, I’m finding great joy in the piecing and encouragement that comes from it.  The end result is still veiled from my human eyes, I’m content with that in this season, because I know from it all, however wacky or insane it seems to me or others, there’s hope.

Hope.  I keep coming back to that concept lately…perhaps more on that soon?

Life is funny sometimes.  Sometimes we surrender it all to God and sometimes we pick up all the burdens and try to conquer the world on our own.  I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t ping pong back and forth between the two.

I can’t do it alone.  I know this, I’ve proven this in life. Over, and over, and over. I am far too emotionally involved, get wrapped up in over thinking, and somewhere along the line allow the delusion that I can be all things to all people creeps in.  It’s tiring.

I’m tired…again.  Yes, more sleep would be nice and I had to drag my lazy self out of bed this morning (only to be greeted by a bat when I arrived at the office which still has the adrenaline flowing hours later! Eeessshh!).  I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  Some things I can’t control…’tis the season for large scale events.  Monthly meetings come around.  Quarterly meetings come around.  Opportunities pop up that need to be capitalized upon.  That’s life.  I’ve also made some efforts to put myself out there and be active in things that are important to me.  That takes time, energy, and effort.  It’s also taking me far out of my comfort zone in the greatest of ways.

My physical self may be wearied, and that’s something I have the power to change–but I know in my heart of hearts that everything on my plate right now feeds into a greater vision that I’m really excited and blessed to be a part of.  I’ve said yes to things I normally would blow off as someone else’s baby, but I’ve only said yes through firm conviction.

I have purpose.  I have a place.  I have a position.  These are not things I have earned.  These are gifts of God, sometimes wrapped a little funny that I question if they’re for me, but gifts nonetheless.  I’m reminded that the experience, learning, development, and a boatload of research and critical thinking over the years is valuable in God’s economy.  With great power comes great responsibility.  I don’t get to squander what has been freely given me.

Being tired makes me step back to look at the whole.  Who’s in charge?  God’s placed and shifted priorities in my life, but hasn’t released me into the wild to fend for myself.  It’s me that’s pushed God into the passenger seat (insert bad bumper sticker joke)…when I don’t need to be the one doing the leading.  I need to follow.  Follow God’s lead.  Listen, absorb, critically think (and play devil’s advocate), and act–not of my own will, but according to God’s will and the priorities He’s placed in my path for such a time as this.

I believe we are appointed to where we live right now for a reason.  Took me longer than other appointments to see why God would have us here both professionally and personally (and that was okay, there was other Kingdom work pressing)…but my eyes have been opened since I’ve taken the time to be still and shut my big cynical mouth.  I like waking up with a sense of anticipation what each day holds…that’s a newer experience.

So, while I may have been physically tired and pokey today, my morning conversation with God went a little something like this…

“Thanks for waking me up this morning to a new day, but I quit.  I realize now I’m trying to fight Your battles on my own again…in my own strength and wanting to see the results in my timing, so I’m running into a lot of brick walls face first. My face hurts.  So, at least for today, You get to be in charge.  I’m going to do what You would have me do…and it would be really awesome if I could get a peek into that grand plan You’ve got. (dramatic pause)  No? Okay. I’m all ears if You change Your mind.  Well, keep me posted with the next right action.  We’ll chat again soon.”

And shortly thereafter I made it to the office where I proceeded to jump around and scream at the top of my lungs at that stinkin’ bat…should I read something into that one? HA!

I’ve been preparing a holistic wellness through goal setting workshop that I’m presenting at a women’s ministry conference next month and it’s given me pause to reflect on what this journey of wellness has been for me.  It seems like only yesterday because I can see it so vividly in my mind that Holy Spirit moment when God smacked me upside the head and knocked some sense into me.  Did everything change overnight from that fateful afternoon? HA! No.  It seems like lightning speed and turtle pace all wrapped up into one.  I got to thinking where was I…and where I am I?

I’m feeling a bit honest today, so here goes…

Spiritually-my relationship with God is my relationship with God.  It’s not going to look like yours and that’s okay.  We all experience a personal relationship with our Savior in different ways.  Where was I?  Well, I thought I was a pretty good Christian, I mean, I’m a pastor, I help people, so I must be doing at least something right…not so much.  Jesus Christ may be my Lord and Savior, but sadly that’s where a lot of it all fell off.  We don’t fly through life with the idea of eternal security (no, I’m not debating doctrine here–I don’t play once saved always saved), but we need to constantly be growing in our faith relationship in so many ways–discipleship, corporate growth, individual growth–fueling the pursuit of holiness.  I found myself pretty lax in my relationship and communion with God, and I’m not going to beat that idea down any further.  So where I am?  The two biggest words I despise: Intentional effort.   Back to the basics.  My approach to reading the Bible and studying God’s Word had to be approached from a new vantage point–from obligation to desire.  My prayer life had to become more rounded and less like a genie in a bottle.  The accountability factor had to be amped up–I had to call godly people into my path that ask the tough questions.  I may despise the words, but intentional efforts pay off.  I’m in a place where I haven’t been in my relationship with God before and that’s a pretty awesome place, because not only am I learning more about Him, I’m learning more about who I am through Him.  Never stop learning.

Emotionally/Mentally-this is a hard one to speak on because I haven’t shared a lot of my background in this area in this arena. Where was I?  In vague strokes…I’ve never really had much self worth.  There’s always been someone prettier, skinnier, smarter, more deserving…the list could go on forever, but it always came down to the idea that I’m not good enough.  Several years ago, I experienced an event that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy that ultimately connected the pieces on where that mindset was developed in my psyche.  I won’t lie, I had moments where I truly wanted to die in the aftermath, that I would be okay if I just went to sleep and never woke up.  But I came back from it.  I had people who were stronger than me fighting for me and praying for me because I couldn’t do it for myself for a period of time. Where am I today? I remember the desperation for hope in that dark night of the soul, but I consider it blessing that I can’t recall the feel and the feelings during that time.  I had to rebuild myself.  The emotional foundation I had for many years was built on sand, I needed a strong foundation.  I was at a place in my life where I could intelligently build a new foundation through faith, learning, practice, understanding my past objectively, and rewriting the absolute and total lies that were truth in my head.  I’m not going to lie–I’m a completely different person emotionally than I was just a few years ago, and that scares me sometimes, because I’m still learning who I am (I think that’s a lifelong process).  I have a voice.  I’m starting to use it more.  I’ve never been that way before and it’s new, but I’m rolling with it because I understand that (for the most part) what I have to say is important and that I have things to contribute to relationships, friendships, professional experiences, etc.  I can be a valuable person, but not so much if I sit around waiting for others to figure out my worth and come to me.  Just saying a bold statement like that is still a small disconnect for me because I still look at it and think, “that’s pretty bold and arrogant, why would you say that?”  The desire to backspace is real.

Physically-well, this one is visible, and probably the one I talk about most, so there’s not a lot of surprises here.  Where was I?  I was miserable.  I couldn’t walk from my office to the bathroom without getting winded.  I was the heaviest I had ever been.  My shirts were either a plus size 4x or 5x to give you an idea.  Where am I?  I’m rocking a misses/ladies XL shirt now.  Pants…that’s a different story, I have genetics to thank for my hips and booty.  I’ve lost 115lbs now.  I don’t live on salad and chicken breast.  I have good days and bad days.  I go through phases of great exercise and effort, and periods of laziness and discontent.  I have days where I don’t want calories to count, and others it’s effortless to eat well.

The bottom-line is that these three seemingly separate areas are all completely tied together.  If I was not engaged in my relationship with God, why would I care about honoring God’s creation (my body) and living in His image?  If I was living in a mindset of depression and despair, why would I want to pursue God deeper–what hope could I find there?  I can play the “what ifs” all day long–it comes down to the idea that if I’m not improving myself as a whole person, no one area is going to improve on its own.  Yes, some areas change and morph in different timing than others, but constant forward progress, no matter how slow, is providing me with enjoying a great and abundant life that I don’t think I truly understood existed until recent years.  And I’m loving every minute of it.

Today’s been a tough day.  I grow a thick skin at a much slower rate than other humans and I admit that often I care too much.  I let my heart be open to hurt, and I do it willingly.  This is a great asset, but it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses too.

I don’t feel like trying to be vague to skirt around confidentiality to explain the different situations, but I’ve encountered a few people over the last week that are leaving my too-sensitive heart shattered.  They have every opportunity to change different situations, and in essence to save themselves, but they haven’t reached the point where the work to make what they need to happen is going to be put in.  They won’t take responsibility. They won’t take action.  Some of the situations stem from pride, lack of confidence, addictions, and unmanaged mental illness in some of the different circumstances.  I can’t do the work for people, my job is to stand alongside guiding, teaching, empowering through various resources, being a cheerleader, an accountability point, and a sounding board…to name a few.  Door mat and the one doing all the work, not my job.

This is a marker of God in my life too.  I realize my boundaries now.  They hurt, but they’re there.  And I’m exercising healthy ways of dealing with the stress of my hurt for these people.  Not my first response always, but I’m getting better at that.  I had some time today before a meeting and thought along the lines of, “I can just leave my planned and healthy lunch in the fridge and go get some Jack in the Box down the street.  That sounds really good.  That will make me feel better.”

Lies.  Big fat huge stinky onion lies I can twist in my mind.

I’m grateful today for the tangible things that I surround myself with that caused me pause to reconsider that decision, and put the car keys down.  I was able to read a quote I have posted up in my office to remind me that damaging myself and my resolve to treat my body, God’s creation, in an honoring way did not equate to heading through the drive-thru for a “few favorites” that would probably top out at a caloric level greater than I typically consume on a given day entirely.

I stopped.  I read.  I prayed.  I reread.  I prayed. I shed a few tears. I laughed at myself. I praised for the mindshift that came about.  I breathed. I ate my healthy planned lunch.

Pause for new perspective.

My problems haven’t disappeared, my heart still hurts for others that are hurting–but I didn’t have to hurt myself in the process.  Today, at least.  I praise God for that.

Today’s run was to complete a virtual race–Beast Mode Bunny 5k

Interval Pace: 25:75 (adjusted slower than average because of running with pup who can’t keep up with 30:60)

Observations: Interval timer thinks uphill is a great time to run. New patella strap is the greatest invention ever. Adjust play list for Brit Nicole to come after first quarter mile. Cross McCulloch sooner to avoid creeper house.

Work accomplished toward goals: paced breathing improving, should be able to add distance at current interval pace without stress

Tomorrow marks the observance of the death of Jesus. It’s a solemn occasion usually, where we look upon the death and suffering of a man that would take the brunt of the cruelest violence imaginable so that we may have life. Depending on the portrayal, there’s not much hope.

I need hope.  I need things to look forward to.  I need to see good in situations.  That’s been hard lately.  Once again, I found myself stuck in my mind and not continually and intentionally turning those thoughts over to God.  I was trying to read between lines that weren’t there, starting to convince myself that things were happening that weren’t reality, and the worst part–retracing and rehashing a lot of past thoughts and feelings related to something that happened several years ago that needs to stay in the past because it’s been appropriately dealt with, dissected, turned over to God, and I simply refuse to be that victim again.

I don’t need old behaviors in my life.  They aren’t edifying to God or beneficial to my life.  They get me stuck in my head in a slippery slope of wishing I could be “more human” because of some of the things I (wrongly perceive) that I’m missing out on in life because of the pursuit of my call to full time ministry.  I know it’s hogwash, so I’m not even going to elaborate that part further.  I’ve gotten caught into the lie of loneliness, and feeling excluded from the fellowship and recreation of those that I interact with outside of direct ministry–feeling like I’m being perceived often as my position and not as a person, an individual, that loves life and wants to have one too!

Anyway, long (and sufficiently twisted in my mind) story short, I was chatting with someone the other that said something I don’t even think they registered as being a poignant thought, but it got my mind around back to the point of letting go and letting things work out.  God knows the desires of my heart, as “human” as they are sometimes, and I know that everything committed Him to prayer will be addressed in His perfect timing and not of my own will.  I need to rest.  I need to stop trying to make things happen sometimes and just let life be life and unfold.  I fight too hard to make my will happen that I focus on the trees and miss the forest.

So where does that leave me right now? Clinging to hope where I can.  It’s hard to find hope in what appears to be hopeless situations.  When Jesus uttered His final words from the cross, it wasn’t in defeat–those words, “Into your hands, I commit my spirit,” are words of contentment. Jesus’ purpose was served.  There’s hope in that.  There’s something more.  And the cool part, I know the rest of the story–there’s victory.

The trials of life on my plate right now won’t last forever.  I am stronger than I used to be.  Did you know that I can actually carry on a conversation and look people in the eye now? That I can comfortably speak without feeling self conscious or inferior, like what I have to say matters? I feel confident in my skin–I can’t really say that I love the way I look, but I’m getting there, but I can look at myself and appreciate the appearance.  Works of grace. Amazing work of God in me.

It’s not just weight loss (though 110lbs down and rocking sizes I wore when I got married is pretty great), it’s about the whole and healthy life I’m gaining.  Great and abundant life because of my obedience to God’s plans for me.  I’m excited to see where things keep going.  That’s hope.

I’ve been working on tweaking my workout playlist to up the BPM (with a few slower ones in the mix).  I would still like to add about another 60 minutes into it, but here’s where I’m at so far (in no particular order yet).  Suggestions welcomed!

• Gold (Britt Nicole)
• Hold Me (Jamie Grace)
• Glorious Unfolding (Steven Curtis Chapman)
• How Deep the Father’s Love For Us (Selah)
• You Lead (Jamie Grace)
• Greater (MercyMe)
• Thrive (Casting Crowns)
• Open Up The Heavens (Meredith Andrews)
• God Girl (Jamie Grace)
• The Only Name (Big Daddy Weave)
• Shake (MercyMe)
• Flawless (MercyMe)
• 10,000 Reasons (Matt Redman)
• Ready or Not (Britt Nicole)
• Listen to the Sound (Building 429)
• Call It Grace (Unspoken)
• This is the Stuff (Francesca Battistelli)
• I’m Letting Go (Francesca Battistelli)
• Free to Be Me (Francesca Battistelli)
• Brave (Moriah Peters)
• You Are God Alone (Phillips, Craig, and Dean)
• Good Riddance (Green Day)
• Nice Guys Finish Last (Green Day)
• Worry Rock (Green Day)
• Redundant (Green Day)
• Uptight (Green Day)
• All the Time (Green Day)
• Whispers in the Dark (Skillet)
• ShowStopper (TobyMac)
• Meant to Live (Switchfoot)
• Oh! Gravity (Switchfoot)
• What Scars Are For (Mandisa)
• Joy Unspeakable (Mandisa)
• I Hope You Dance (Mandisa)
• Steal My Show (TobyMac)
• Speak Life (TobyMac)
• My Jesus, I Love Thee (Building 429)
• This is My Year (Family Force 5)
• Just Getting Started (Hawk Nelson)
• Diamonds (Hawk Nelson)
• Love Like That (Hawk Nelson)

I have had a number of friends reach out and ask a lot of specifics about my wellness journey, and nothing is a big secret–but since I get a lot of the same questions, people must be curious, so here’s my response to a friend that reached out recently:

Glad to hear from you! I can only share my personal experience, so remember–everyone is different, you have to test and try and see what works well for you.

1. How did you stop eating unhealthy? Honestly, it wasn’t my decision. I had a pretty bold encounter with the Holy Spirit as I was praying one day, essentially complaining to God how miserable I was with myself and throwing my own pity party on how unfair it is to be overweight…I was reminded by God that I am created in His image, but I’m abusing His creation. I was challenged to turn this battle over to God and let Him lead the way, because it’s not only about my weight–I had gotten really lazy in my spiritual discipline and wasn’t growing in my personal relationship with Christ, and my emotions (most specifically, negative self talk) had gone far over the deep end and I was desperate to get a grip on myself again. Has it been easy? Not for a second. Are there days I don’t want to be obedient to God? Of Course. I’m human. It all started with baby steps. Testing and figuring out a reasonable plan of eating. Then slowly adding exercise. Finding support, accountability, and encouragement. Building things up one step at a time–I firmly believe the reason I’ve been successful is God’s in charge and I didn’t try to change everything at once.

2.  What diet plan did you follow?  I actually started using a “medical” crash diet, which worked for like the first 15-20lbs, but I was miserable, it was expensive, and once I wised up to do my research–it was leaving me severely malnourished. I had success using Weight Watchers in the past, so I signed up for their online program for a few months–that’s what helped me “fix my broken eyes” in terms of proper portion size, getting a variety of healthy foods, and learning to eat within healthy boundaries again. Now I just use a food tracking app to stay within a specific calorie goal and reasonable nutrient levels (I track my fat, carb, and protein intake) and for every ten pounds I lose, I lower my calorie cap for the day a little bit.

3. What foods did you eat and which ones did you cut out?  I don’t cut out any foods. I eat everything, LOL. I did give up diet soda around the time I started losing weight because it was triggering migraines for me, but I don’t like the idea of off-limits foods. For me (and everyone’s different), if I have a restricted food, I will crave it, fixate on it, and eventually cave and eat it in excess–just not worth the mental strife. That said, I have learned to prolong cravings so I don’t eat too much in a day. I trick my mind–I tell myself things like, “I didn’t plan to eat XYZ item today, but if I still want it tomorrow, I’ll have it then.” Usually, I forget because my head is like a squirrel cage, but if the craving continues, I’ll have the item I want, within reason and proper portion size. What do I eat–I’m a super picky eater, so the typical foods people eat when they want to lose weight (salads, chicken breast, etc) get old really fast. I look for recipes on Facebook and Pinterest that use healthy and filling ingredients and experiment in the kitchen. I also take some of my unhealthy standard meals that I used to eat, and find ways to make them healthier so we still eat our favorites.

4. When you first started out, how many minutes of exercise did you do each day and how many days per week?  When I started exercising, I couldn’t even walk to the end of the street and back without wanting to die. And I wore flip flops. Because it just took too much effort to put on real shoes. I’m not happy about that fact. But, I kept walking to the end of the street and back and building distance from there. After a few months, I was in better shape and consistently taking long walks, and wanted more, as did my husband, so we joined a gym. There I started to build my endurance on the cardio machines and started a little bit of toning exercises on the weight machines. We switched gyms to one better suited to our needs and schedule. I still do endurance cardio (45-75 minutes in a stretch with intervals of running or intense resistance), take some group glasses like yoga and Zumba to improve my flexibility, and some toning exercises to build some muscle so I don’t look like a deflated balloon! My husband and I also have started hiking together in the mornings and now with starting to train with a training program for my half marathon in September, I’ll be in the gym less and hitting the pavement more (which is kind of scary since we live in a very hilly place!). I don’t exercise every day, usually 4-5x week now for anywhere from 30-90 minutes. When I started–that walk to the end of the street–was only ten minutes a couple times a week. Find something you enjoy that’s active and go for it. It doesn’t have to cost anything and it doesn’t have to be a formal gym–just get your body moving more than you already are most days of the week.

5. How do you deal with cravings, being at somebody else’s house, being on vacation, having to eat out with not many healthy options?  Cravings–covered that one above. Being at someone’s house–this isn’t a big one too much because we prefer to have guests to our house, but if it’s something that’s not particularly healthy, I may just only take a little bit or just eat side dishes, etc. I don’t go to events super hungry, because I will overeat–I make sure to have snacks often. And it’s okay when you have plans with people to ask ahead of time what they’re serving so you can plan that into your day, or ask the host about possibly serving something different, or even just bring a dish of food that’s good for you to eat to share with everything. I always remind myself I don’t have to eat it because it’s there, and if I’m hungry later because I’m not indulging in an unhealthy meal, I can eat something else later and I’ll survive until that time. Vacations–we’re cheap when we travel. We book hotels with fridges and in a cooler pack all of our snacks and breakfast foods (because hotel free breakfasts lack anything healthy!) to travel with lots of healthy options. Lunches are usually small snacks or like on our last trip, we were close to one of our favorite stores, so we got some specialty cheeses, meats, and fruit and made up our own gourmet cheese plates for lunch. Dinner was always a splurge meal, but that’s okay, because we were very active through the day and had eaten light at our other meals. Eating out–don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. Ask for things baked, not fried; sauces on the side; steamed; etc. I try to avoid restaurants where I can’t get a meal that I can enjoy. It just kind of sticks in my mind that I’m not going to pay for food I can’t enjoy, and if I’m feeling guilty because I ordered something out of obligation to eat, then it’s just not worth it. We also eat out a lot less…from 2-3x week to maybe once every week or two. When making every food choice, my almost automatic response in my mind is the scripture verse that speaks of “everything is permissible but not beneficial.” It keeps my choices in check.

6. Do you have to eat salad all the time?  Good heavens, no! I like salad (mostly because I’m a dressing freak and found some healthy low-calorie yogurt based dressings that I adore) a lot, and I eat really huge salads, but I don’t eat them everyday. On the average, I probably have salad at one meal a day four times a week. Sometimes I’m not in the mood and go a week without many, others will be salad overload. That goes in spurts. Remember though, not all salads are created equal–especially prepackaged/restaurant ones–know your ingredients. Especially in restaurants, you’re better off ordering a meal than most of their fancy salads.

7.  How do you stay motivated when you’re tired or sick or discouraged?  I do a lot of things for motivation. It may seem a bit narcissistic, but I look back at a lot of photos of me at my largest to remind me of how far I’ve come–because now I can see past the fake smile on my face and see how truly unhappy I was with myself. I follow a couple hundred wellness pages on Facebook (I don’t interact with them all!), but by “liking” that many, my newsfeed is always full of positive encouragement of healthy habits that keep my mind in a good place. I pray. Constantly. Sometimes it’s praise, but sometimes it’s a cry out to God in misery because I’m not motivated to make a good choice. I have my husband and some close friends that are loving enough to accept my whininess when I am discouraged. Discouragement happens, I’d love to tell you everyday is sunshine and roses, but it’s not. I struggle. I rebel against God’s will for me. I have days where I don’t want to eat well, where I eat everything in sight, where I don’t exercise–but it’s all about balance and the good days have to outweigh the bad. I find that public accountability gives me a lot of motivation too…not going to lie, people frequently poo-poo the idea of being honest on social media, and I realize I probably do it more than is necessary, but when I post things like comparison pictures, weight loss, and non-scale victories–the feedback is encouraging. I’ll just throw in my word of caution there–you need accountability too of people that will be real with you and you can be real with them, even in the tough moments. I’ve got people that privately give me the kick in the pants I need and remind me and hold me to my goals, even those goals and areas I’m working on that I don’t publically share.

My best advice sums down to this:

-Make goals. Small tiny ones and large grandiose ones. Figure out the logical steps to make them happen. And just do it!

-Start small, don’t try to change a lot at once. Work on one area and start building on things from there.

-Focus on your whole self. When I am focusing on my spiritual growth and bettering myself emotionally/mentally, it is easier to make healthier food and exercise choices. At least for me, my track record shows that losing weight for the sake of losing weight doesn’t work–but when I look at it as treating my physical body well because it was created by God and it ties into my pursuit of living a holy life, that changes everything.

I hope that helps. Don’t hesitate to reach out anytime for questions or support. I will be the first to admit I’m no expert, but no one should ever feel alone. I love you!

Today’s just been…well…weird. Plan for the day was altered (and welcomed), so I got some time to get caught up on some things.  Had an interesting contact today–someone reached out to put some more effort into a job because they felt that it wasn’t as good as it could’ve been.

I thought about this for a while, thinking that in the grand scheme of life, did this really make a difference?  In this case, yes, it does–it affects the training and quality control of a reputable business.  And since my mind was in left field already, it got me chasing rabbits and  thinking about how much of the time that I simply accept things in life, even if not the highest quality, because it’s what I feel I deserve.

How twisted is that?

Why do I deserve less than the best?  Here’s the kicker–I believe that for the most part, I receive the best from others, but I don’t treat myself in the best way possible.  I am harder on myself than I would be anyone else, I hold unrealistic expectations that I cannot meet, and the way I speak to myself, well…let’s just say you probably wouldn’t like me very much.

I deserve better.  I should be able to look in the mirror and not judge myself harshly.  I should be able to speak to myself the way I speak to others.  I want to be able to care for myself the way that I care about others.

It’s a process.  I know what I want for me.  I have goals and plans to get where I want to be.  I will get there.  Look how far I’ve come over the last year! I’m a work in progress, and that’s okay…because while I may not be where I want to be yet, I’m closer than I was yesterday and that’s okay. And I’m never alone. God’s on my side and I am surrounded by supportive people and those that keep me accountable as well.  For that I’m beyond grateful.

So, yeah, there’s a glimpse into my warped mind. I’m doing my best, and that’s all I can possibly expect of myself.  So, what’s left to say? #igotgoals

My mind is an interesting place.  I was listening to a catchy tune (Jamie Grace’s God Girl) while working out this morning.  I’m not really an uber-feminist or anything like that, in fact, my feminist views are quite schizophrenic to say the least…it boils down to the fact there’s no standard woman or no standard man, strive to be what you envision right and true based on faith, values, and morals. Anyway…

I got to thinking.  The battle I face–the battle we all face–in whatever efforts we put forth for self improvement are truly a war.  We battle society’s views of how we should look or act or react…there’s not a lot of place for us to find our own individual way without falling prey to that which is new, shiny, and popular.  Let’s face it, isn’t being an individual kind of the majority stance in the first place?

There’s no right or wrong way to work on ourselves.  As long as you are not harming yourself or others in the process, why not try it?  Yes, there’s always the latest and greatest fad, people that will believe their way is the only way, and others still that will make themselves a walking billboard for inevitable disaster.  That’s their choice.  And I make mine.

I follow a lot (okay, hundreds) of wellness and fitness pages on Facebook.  I do this purposely to keep my newsfeed flooded with positivity and reminders that trigger my brain to keep my head in the game.  Do I like everything I see? Absolutely not.  I see women self destructing before my eyes trapped in a never ending cycle of the underlying “stuff” in their lives going unchanged while trying to mask the exterior with smiles and external transformations.  Does this make their journey any less valid? Absolutely not.  Do I speak my mind and tell them what they are doing is “wrong”?  Not often.  There a few times, with the Holy Spirit’s prompting, I will send a private message trying to turn a negative into a positive and be encouraging, but expressing concern for a specific action that may be harming themselves.  Do I give people unsolicited advice as to what to eat, how to exercise, or what they need to do to deal with their problems? Gosh, I sure hope not–if I do, it’s certainly unconsciously and unintentional.  I only say these things because it’s how I want to be treated.  I’m a harsh judge of myself, I don’t need the peanut gallery–other than trusted people who I have empowered to keep me accountable (friends, family, experienced health professionals)–to throw their opinions in too.  And I’ll be honest, when the peanut gallery speaks, that’s a pretty small grain of salt.

Harsh? Maybe.  But I’ve reached a point in life where it’s not about me anymore.  It’s not about skinny or popular (HA! Like that’s going to happen!) or notoriety or success.  It’s about becoming the woman God has created me–just me–to be.

That’s the beauty in all this crazy mess of life.  God has created each and every one of us to be unique creations.  We don’t have to fit into the mold of the world, all we have to do is strive for the potential in which the Creator has destined long before we drew our first breath.  We get there in different ways and in different times.  Your way is going to look different than my way, as it should, and it’s not my place to judge.  I need to stay in my lane and worry about my business.  I will always try to be an encourager for people trying to reach their goals, whatever it may be, regardless of my thoughts or disagreement of their approach…I aim to share the positive and keep the negative to myself, out of no other reason than it’s how I want to be treated as well.  It is likely only negative to me, and I don’t need to be the one to rain on someone’s parade (unless truly necessary–even scripture speaks of our need to encourage, but also rebuke…appropriately, and according to the instruction that scripture provides on the matter).

So, fight like a girl.  I kinda like that mantra.  It reminds me of all the different personality facets that go into femininity.  It takes my head to a place that my efforts aren’t simply in pursuit of a perfect body, because that simply doesn’t exist, but to improve my whole person–my physical person/health, my mind, and my faith/soul to fit the image of what God has for me.  Not sure if I’ve actually made a point in my babbling this morning…but that’s okay.  In the words of Jamie Grace, “I’m a God girl that’s who I’ll be.  From the top of my head to the soles of my feet.  No I can’t deny it, wouldn’t even try, I’m your girl in a crazy world.  I’m a God girl that’s who I’ll be.”  I hope I’m doing Him proud.