Dear God, I Quit.

Life is funny sometimes.  Sometimes we surrender it all to God and sometimes we pick up all the burdens and try to conquer the world on our own.  I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t ping pong back and forth between the two.

I can’t do it alone.  I know this, I’ve proven this in life. Over, and over, and over. I am far too emotionally involved, get wrapped up in over thinking, and somewhere along the line allow the delusion that I can be all things to all people creeps in.  It’s tiring.

I’m tired…again.  Yes, more sleep would be nice and I had to drag my lazy self out of bed this morning (only to be greeted by a bat when I arrived at the office which still has the adrenaline flowing hours later! Eeessshh!).  I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  Some things I can’t control…’tis the season for large scale events.  Monthly meetings come around.  Quarterly meetings come around.  Opportunities pop up that need to be capitalized upon.  That’s life.  I’ve also made some efforts to put myself out there and be active in things that are important to me.  That takes time, energy, and effort.  It’s also taking me far out of my comfort zone in the greatest of ways.

My physical self may be wearied, and that’s something I have the power to change–but I know in my heart of hearts that everything on my plate right now feeds into a greater vision that I’m really excited and blessed to be a part of.  I’ve said yes to things I normally would blow off as someone else’s baby, but I’ve only said yes through firm conviction.

I have purpose.  I have a place.  I have a position.  These are not things I have earned.  These are gifts of God, sometimes wrapped a little funny that I question if they’re for me, but gifts nonetheless.  I’m reminded that the experience, learning, development, and a boatload of research and critical thinking over the years is valuable in God’s economy.  With great power comes great responsibility.  I don’t get to squander what has been freely given me.

Being tired makes me step back to look at the whole.  Who’s in charge?  God’s placed and shifted priorities in my life, but hasn’t released me into the wild to fend for myself.  It’s me that’s pushed God into the passenger seat (insert bad bumper sticker joke)…when I don’t need to be the one doing the leading.  I need to follow.  Follow God’s lead.  Listen, absorb, critically think (and play devil’s advocate), and act–not of my own will, but according to God’s will and the priorities He’s placed in my path for such a time as this.

I believe we are appointed to where we live right now for a reason.  Took me longer than other appointments to see why God would have us here both professionally and personally (and that was okay, there was other Kingdom work pressing)…but my eyes have been opened since I’ve taken the time to be still and shut my big cynical mouth.  I like waking up with a sense of anticipation what each day holds…that’s a newer experience.

So, while I may have been physically tired and pokey today, my morning conversation with God went a little something like this…

“Thanks for waking me up this morning to a new day, but I quit.  I realize now I’m trying to fight Your battles on my own again…in my own strength and wanting to see the results in my timing, so I’m running into a lot of brick walls face first. My face hurts.  So, at least for today, You get to be in charge.  I’m going to do what You would have me do…and it would be really awesome if I could get a peek into that grand plan You’ve got. (dramatic pause)  No? Okay. I’m all ears if You change Your mind.  Well, keep me posted with the next right action.  We’ll chat again soon.”

And shortly thereafter I made it to the office where I proceeded to jump around and scream at the top of my lungs at that stinkin’ bat…should I read something into that one? HA!

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