Stephanie Under Construction Blog

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, do you ever wish that you could turn off your mind?  Or maybe it’s just a way God is using to keep Him as first priority in my endeavors, that I haven’t “arrived”…as in all things, we continue to grow and change, all with the end mark to bring honor and glory to Him. (or at least that’s hopefully what we’re striving for)

So this time around, it started out like this…we decided to take a family picture on Thanksgiving because we got all dolled up to go out to eat.

There you have it, pictorial evidence that we can dress ourselves presentably. I love this photo.  In fact, once my husband uploaded it off our camera and I saw it, I actually mentally ticked off a couple things about myself that I actually liked:

• My ankles are coming out of hiding!  No, I don’t have super toned legs yet, and I am wearing heels of a fair height, but I don’t want to puke at the appearance
• My tan line (You have to look close because, yes, I’m still quite casper-y on purpose, but mid-shin, that’s a tan line–and I earned that puppy putting in the miles because that would only be there from running tights)
• My hem lines are subconsciously rising and I’m not mad about it.  It makes me self conscious to think about because of my greatest self consciousness issues (pending blog on that, stay tuned…still writing that one).  I’ll never be one to rock a miniskirt simply due to my personal modesty, but at my age, yes, a knee-length skirt is appropriate and should not feel like an embarrassment

For a hot second, I got a little excited that I could look at a picture and pick out things about myself that didn’t make me want to gag.  Usually my first thoughts when I look at any photo is the laundry list of negatives, and yeah, those came too…the more I saw this photo, I saw how thin my hair was and it made me sad because I so desperately wish it would grow longer (eventually I’d like it close to my waist…if it would ever grow), I see the pounds still left to lose–though I know it won’t happen overnight, patience has never been my virtue–even though I know they’ll come off as I keep on the straight and narrow, I see several other things that draw out the demons of my mind that I can drag out all day long and it can ruin even the best of moods.

I started to think about this (again, overthinking) and since I couldn’t come up with any answers and had a hard time wrestling and laying this one down at the cross that this is something that God is using right now.  I have some major trust issues, understandably if you added up the circumstances that feed into them…and I have a hard time taking things at face value.  Especially good things.  I’m always holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop–like I’m not good enough for good things to happen to me.  I can’t accept a compliment, it’s a very awkward thing for me…my complete and utter social ineptness is truly astounding.  I try to hide it, not well, but I do.  Anyway…there has to be that switch somewhere where I can look at a photo, see the good, and just move on…that it doesn’t turn to the negative and I camp out there.  Where is the switch?  How does it work? Heck if I know.

So once again, I find myself on my face, asking God to shut off my thoughts so there’s room for His.  I need His mind and His thoughts because it’s far better than the lies I’ve managed to fill my head with.  One of these days, it will happen–and in the meantime, I’ll just immerse myself with the truth I can get my hands on tangibly as I wait upon the Lord, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

And that’s good enough to grow on from here.

So that would mean I ran more than a marathon today? Ha! 2018…it’s coming.

This time of year brings out a lot of pans on the fire over a short period of time. It’s nothing new to us, we’ve done it fifteen years in some capacity or another now, each year learning and refining our technique. Really the only hump to conquer is the start, then it’s just endurance and management through the end–watching the results of your planning play out and see how God’s going to use and bless it the efforts.

The endurance part of this time of year unfortunately in more recent years also awakens a deeper beast in me that I wish I didn’t wrestle with. It’s just life, and I get to roll with it…but there’s some side effects too that drag on me too.  The effects cause me to not sleep well for a period of time and will be awake at odd hours of the night and up even more ungodly early than I already am.  This does work in my favor in that I can and do randomly show up at the office at all hours to get things done and stay caught up in the busyness of the season, but it wears on my psyche too.

I know it’s only a season, and though I don’t get to predict how long my body will betray me this time around, it throws the balanced life I strive for a little off-kilter. I’ll never complain about the uber-efficiency, but I know intrinsically that a healthy body needs proper rest too.  Solving the problems of the world and contemplating my navel at 3am, that doesn’t do it. This efficiency however does bring with it a regimented schedule of planned meals, workout plans, plenty of awake time for devotions and time with God, so, it’s not all bad.

It’s not just the sleep though…The human mind is such a fascinating place.  Wish I could send mine on vacation sometimes.  I don’t like rehashing what I can’t control, but I also can’t stop my mind either…it’s a vicious cycle. Some things are meant to stay in the past, I *know* that intellectually, but I can’t control that which is brought into the forefront of my consciousness over and over again.  I just have to keep laying it down at the cross, because I just don’t know what to do with it.  And I’m not a fan of powerless.  This is where the busy is good, it keeps me out of my head…but that’s a damaging long term coping mechanism too.  This is where being the one people come to bites sometimes, you don’t always have the steam release for you, maybe one day I’ll figure out how that works…

I know I’m not alone in this, the holidays are a rough time of year for so many people for so many different reasons.  I may seem a little complain-y here, and to an extent I am, but this is also my most favorite time of the year.  Christmas is my favorite holiday, the only one I ever decorate for.  It’s also when I was introduced to our ministry as a volunteer that started the great work that changed the course of my life…it’s very much a special time.  It’s all about balance–owning my own brand of crazy that I can’t control and manage life to the best of my ability, and leave the rest to the One that knows better than me. So, let the games begin!

Wanna hear a joke?

God answers prayer.

Wanna hear an amazing story?

God answers prayer.

I remember sharing during a time of testimony shortly after my prodigal return to the Lord that God has a sick sense of humor.  Sick sense?  Maybe not…but He’s certainly got a REALLY good sense of humor.

Prayer is one of those things that has certainly evolved in my life.  I’ll let you in on a little secret though–I don’t like praying in groups.  My mind works wayyyyyy faster than my mouth and I usually don’t say what I mean. It’s just awkward sometimes.  But my personal prayer life…that’s a whole different story.

Prayer takes a lot of forms for me.  It’s an intentional time where I have to carve out to first and foremost praise God for just…well…we’d be here all day long if I listed it all out.  I’ve got a lot of gratitude across the board.  It’s also an ongoing time that God and I have to hit the mats and wrestle a little with the tough stuff.  I don’t have all the answers, I don’t get to have all the answers–the title of pastor doesn’t open up my brain and dump all of the canon of scripture and answers to the great mysteries of faith into my head.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  There’s the human element too–I don’t know why bad things happen to good people.  I don’t know why people have to suffer.  I don’t know why people have to hurt.  I have to grapple with the fact that people I love are fighting cancer and the anger and fear that accompanies that, why folks that walk into my office have to make some of the most unimaginable choices possible, and even for me to deal with myself and my “stuff”  and keep it all together on a daily basis.  I’m an analytical person–I want to understand God on a checks and balances level–but it doesn’t work that way, so God and I go round-and-round on that one quite a bit.

Prayer is also my way to serve others.  There’s so much of the time that I feel completely useless and powerless, but I can pray.  I can talk to God and I can listen to Him in any given situation too.  Often times I’m told I don’t say much at first–I don’t, introverted by nature, analytical mind–I’m taking in all in, processing it all, hashing it all out, running it through the thousands of filters in my mind, and often praying on it too.  It is not uncommon for me to just sit in a meeting and pray through it without saying word one because that’s where my time is more effectively used.  Sometimes it’s not my actions that need to be taken in a situation–it’s God’s.

So what?  Well, here it is:

If you’ve read anything I’ve written before, you know that this is how this whole crazy journey started.  I threw a pity party for one and threw out a prayer in desperation that has literally changed the course of my life in a relatively short period of time–we’re coming up on almost two years here in late January.

It hasn’t just been the weight loss.  It hasn’t just been the stretching and deepening relationship with God.  It hasn’t just been erasing the years of self hatred and trying to learn to rewrite the negative tapes that have played in my mind so long.  I’m starting to see where God has literally recreated me to be using my gifts and talents more effectively for His glory through the ministry that I am called to and to serve others.

I don’t recognize myself.  Yeah, freaks me out too.  I’m truly learning who I am for what seems the first time…and dare I say, I almost think that person is okay to be around.  I’ve got some bumps and bruises that life has provided beyond all control and a few self-inflicted stupid choices along the way, but I think those help me to be all the more understanding in a variety of the unspeakable situations that show up on our doorstep.

There’s been much of my Christian life that’s been spent in prayer, and there have been times where I have truly been on my face crying out to God in desperation, but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how God has moved in my life when I look at it in totality.  Not just recently–but always.  Even during the period when I swore that God didn’t exist, I can look back now in hindsight and can tell you without one fiber of doubt that you can’t tell me God doesn’t work.

Prayer isn’t this pretty and pious proclamation to God.  It can be, we have scripture that beautifully shows that.  I’m not that eloquent unfortunately.  It’s frank conversation.  It’s listening and questioning.  It’s learning to wait. It’s screaming out in frustration over a good run (there is a direct correlation between speed and how much I have on my prayer agenda, LOL). It’s blasting loud music in my car to keep my focus on the prayer in my mind and not the minutiae of the world.  It’s praying for others that I care about and their situations too because it’s not all about me either–it’s my honor to hear and know the burdens of others, it’s my responsibility to share it with God.  It’s hard for me to share my heart with friends and covet their prayers sometimes (that’s a trust thing, working on it.  Life’s rough, wear a helmet).

In my own power, I know that I will never learn to feel comfortable in my own skin–there’s a lot of intentionality I’m putting in to get there, but it has to be God-driven and that only comes through prayer, and more specifically being still (my worst skill) and listening (my second worst skill), and continually returning to seek the counsel of the One who’s got the will for me figured out.  I sure don’t have the answers.  So, as I stay the course, I have to keep coming back and humbly asking, “What’s the next right step, today?”

Twice a year we gather with our fellow pastors within our denomination from our region for a time of spiritual renewal (and business meetings, but not during this fall session).  It was a nice time to get away from the grind and see people that we don’t get to see that often, pick up where we left off with friends that are truly our family, and meet some new folks that have recently been appointed in our region that we haven’t had the chance to meet before.  We were duly challenged, uplifted, given a chance to vent appropriately, learn, pray for one another, and hear about what is happening among our churches.  Good times.

I think that for me, I left with the encouragement that I needed both professionally and personally.  I take that back, I think I left with a little bit more fire under my goals.

I have been praying for a long time on a thought turned goal that I mentioned here a long time ago about becoming somewhat of a mentor or coach among fellow colleagues in the areas of holistic wellness.  I talked about getting some formal nutrition training, some personal training certifications, some additional counseling experience under my belt and then working one-on-one with people helping them to find what healthy looks like for them and their lifestyle. The current programs we have are wonderful and have been a blessing in our home, but not quite what I have in mind.  I have a few ideas on how this shores up as a formal program…just not positive where to get the ball rolling in how it fits into our corporate structure. It’ll get figured out.  God’s working on it–this I’m confident of.

I know this because I feel that this goal was very much confirmed and the passion reignited in me this week.  I’ll be the first to say, that no, I’m not perfect–I’ve still got weight left to lose, habits to still improve, and I’ll always be a work in progress–I’m also not launching the above goal into completion tomorrow, either.  But I looked around at my fellow pastors and my heart broke.  (In general…) We don’t take care of ourselves.  We don’t eat well, we don’t exercise, we don’t take care of our emotional health in productive ways, we aren’t nurturing our spiritual lives beyond the pulpit.  Some of us better than others in some areas, but the bottom line is that we spend so much time pouring into others that I don’t think I really saw a good percentage of people in that room that could honestly say their lives were balanced well.

I don’t picture this goal playing out as someone’s cheerleader…that’s just not me.  I’m certainly a more a realist than a rah-rah gal, but I can provide encouragement as appropriate.  I want to be able to share God’s great gift to me in a real and practical way.  I’ve got the business plan laid out for this, I see this happening–all in God’s time.  Goals.

Some of my personal goals have my reignited too…more to be revealed in that area.  Now to go fold the mountain of laundry on my bed so I can get into it and kick off a new and busy week.  Life sure is a wild ride!

 

..because no one knows the words!

I was serious when I said that I was never taking the medal off…I wore it around for a solid week before retiring it to its display for all of eternity.  It’s been pretty humbling in hindsight to realize just how many people I’ve had cheering me on–I’ve cried a lot of happy tears since we’ve been home with the messages, hugs, surprises, and conversations that have ensued.

Isn’t my office staff amazing?

In the process of learning about running, choosing a training program, researching the mechanics/methods, asking questions, learning about gear, and basically everything running, I didn’t realize there was one topic that was missing in everything that I had been reading–what happens after the race.  Yes, in the dozen or so books I’ve read, handful of memoirs, and hundreds of articles and periodicals, and likely thousands of social media posts I’ve learned about recovery, stretching, nutrition, foam rolling, hydration, rest…the physical post-race things that happen minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months down the line, but none of the authors I’ve read really discuss anything past the initial rush of the finish line.  I’m not sure I can even put it into words yet.  It’s…just…weird…

Every moment is still absolutely crystal clear to me–every foot strike.  I can still feel the absolute amazement and sheer joy (and complete exhaustion) of finishing.  And the bizarre endorphin rush that followed that didn’t allow me to sleep following when I really wanted to crash.  By the way, I totally forgot to mention in my last post about the high school marching band!  Mile 9 had the high school marching band out there playing for the runners as we all past by, how cool was that?!

But here’s where my twisted mind comes into the mix…while I can still so crisply grasp this beautiful victory that God granted me, it almost feels like a dream.  It can’t be true.  It’s too good to be true.  I didn’t really do it.  Was it really possible?  My mind can’t connect the idea that I really honestly and truly met a really big and personal goal. I just don’t get it.  I am over the moon excited and thrilled–it makes me teary sitting here excited think about the event again, but there’s that other part of me that still hasn’t caught up with reality–where I am today–that I AM capable–that I HAVE done this–that I can and will do it again, and do MORE and greater things.

There’s still that part of me that sees myself as the Stephanie sitting in this same chair back on January 23, 2015, when I cried out in my pity party to God–The person that was so lazy and overweight that I didn’t care about anyone or anything or even myself.  No, I have not reached the finish line of my journey (bad pun)–truly, my wellness journey is still in its infancy.  Yes, I’ve lost 120lbs and have met some great goals, but I still have a lot of goals to meet, weight to lose, and life left to live.  I intelligently know I am not the same person that could not walk to the end of my street and back without wanting to die, yet I can’t explain why I can’t make that sink into my thick skull.  It frustrates me to the core.

This is the area where God has to take over.  I don’t get to set the agenda, I’ve learned in this process when I cried out in desperation when I didn’t know what to do anymore that I needed out of the driver’s seat.  My job is to follow God’s will–the goals I set are based upon His will for my life that I have earnestly sought and listened, keeping my eyes fixed on Him and growing my faith in all areas of my life.  I know it really doesn’t make sense to a lot of people until they’ve put themselves in my shoes, but yes, it is an act of faith to log your food, to exercise, to seek out like-minded support–whether it be Bible study, support group, exercise group, whatever!

I believe my mind will change.  Someday.  It’s not mine to change–God will change my mind and heart in His time, because I’ve left it to Him.  Left to my own devices I just get into trouble, I don’t need that kind of control. I’m not a patient person by nature, but I’m good in this case.  I’ve seen it play out so far…I’m content it will happen, slowly but surely.  It very much bothers me that I can’t do it on my own, but when I take the two seconds to remember that’s because I’m meant to rely on Someone stronger than me–that I don’t have to be my own savior–I can wait.

I’m no closer to figuring out why no one writes about the period following the post-race honeymoon, but I can tell you I understand very much now why people joke about signing up for more races…at least for me, I think I’ve felt almost a sense of mourning in the assigned recovery time on my training calendar being less active.  I can see the addiction.  I’ve also had some type of cold-type deal which has just made me a peach to be around (I’m cranky when I don’t feel good).  I have to say, I’m pretty excited for my training program to start over again–next half marathon is January 15!  I’ve got some other goals in the areas of spiritual and emotional wellness that weave into my training program this time, so let’s see where this sixteen weeks take me this time.  All I know is, just as it was in Bellingham, the person that crossed the start line won’t be the same person that crosses the finish line.  Game on!

(As a future former fat chick, I reserve my right to call myself like it is…let’s not sugar coat it!)

I sit here wide awake, even though I’m completely and utterly exhausted because I didn’t sleep well from the nerves, because I’m hopped up on endorphins as my husband and pit bull snore with a new a title to add to the resume, half marathoner.  I did it. 13.1 miles.  According to chip time, I came in dead last in the half marathon event–1255 out of 1255.  I am perfectly, 100% okay with that for two reasons: I completed a half marathon, I met my goal. And I can only improve from here.

I feel surprisingly good for just finishing that which was supposed to kill me, but that’s what training was for–this was just the victory lap.  I’m a little stiff and came out with one casualty of a pinky toe blister, but all in all, I can’t wait to do it again (which by the way, is January 15, 2017–I’ve been registered for awhile.  It’s a sickness really).  So here’s the blow-by-blow and some pictorial evidence:

Prerace:

Fueling up with bagel/peanut butter, coffee, and banana.  KT Tape for support on my bum knee–I’ve definitely come to prefer it to the patella strap which slides no matter how tightly you cinch that sucker.  And lacing up–the most important part.  Good socks (I’m a snob, I’ve tried several brands, I’ll only wear Balegas) and I use RunGoo like it’s going out of style–that stuff is magic on preventing blisters.

Arriving at the Train Depot/Starting Line:

This had to be the biggest head game of them all.  I’m really glad that I had my husband there until right before we lined up at the starting line–there’s no greater way to psych yourself out than comparing yourself to those around you.  It’s probably a REALLY good thing that I run alone…I can see the advantages of running with others, but the advantages that I reap from me, my tunes, and my conversations with God far outweigh whatever gripe-fest I’d sure to be engaging in with others along a run.

So, mile 1.  Fastest mile time ever!  Yeah…keep up that pace and die.  Got into a good rhythm.  Miles 1-4, cake walk.  Just nerves had my stomach still reeling a little.  I should’ve fueled at mile 5, put it off until almost mile 7 because I couldn’t differentiate between nerves or if I was gonna puke.  I should’ve chanced it because it caught up to me later when I hit the wall prematurely.

Almost Mile 8:

This was a beautiful course that went through Downtown Bellingham, Washington, along the marina, through neighborhoods, parks, a nature preserve, across docks, and ended right through the heart of town.  While it was beautiful, I think my favorite part was running through the neighborhoods–people were camped out in their front yards and kids had the cutest signs and were cheering and high-fiving you.  I really could’ve used a neighborhood ascending the hill from hell on mile 11-12.5.

Just past mile 8:

This is where the half marathon and marathon merged for the remainder of the race (so even though I came in last, there were still people behind me–nevermind they were going twice the distance).  This was one of the points that husband and dog were able to catch up with me along the way, so I got some pit bull snuggles to keep me going.  Miles 8 and 9 were fairly uneventful.

Mile 10.  I hit the wall.  I lost steam big time.  I took an energy gel, but my fuel plan had already been messed up–need to learn from that mistake for next time.  I paid dearly, normally I don’t want to die until about 11.5 miles-ish.  Kept going, slow but sure, tried to just soak in what was around me and remind myself that I made it this far, there was no chance I was going to stop unless I died…and even then, someone was going to carry my corpse over the finish.

Mile 11-12.5.  Hill from hell.  This one was a interestingly disguised in the course map and not accurately depicted until the last minute emails that came out this week leading up to the race.  It came in three waves…waves two and three were tolerable due to the terrain of where we live and where I normally run.  The first leg.  Well, that was just mean. And man made–it was a dock at a SEVERE angle for almost a quarter mile!

Once you topped the hill from hell, you started hearing the cheering from downtown, it made it desperate to finish.  My feet felt like cement blocks at this point and I wanted to say bad words every time the interval timer on my arm vibrated to run again, but I knew the end was near.  This is where the tears started flowing.  I don’t have a lot of good pictures coming down the chute or across the finish line, we’ll have to wait for the official race photos…interval timer be damned at this point.  I just started running. I wanted to be done.  I was going to be running when I crossed that finish line.  I don’t think I can put into words how cool it is to hear your name as your running down the street people cheering for you.  It’s amazing.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s beautiful.

The finish line:

After you finish, you go through this maze of barricades and I grabbed a bunch of water which I downed and doused myself in–the weather was absolutely stunning, but that last burst of continued running to the finish skyrocketed my heart rate into the 190s for a brief moment (beauty of interval running, drops fast too!).  Husband met up with me quickly to which I covered his jacket in a face full of tears and sweat.

This has been an amazing day–an amazing journey to reach this point.  It’s not over.  I still have a lot of life left to improve.  I’ve still got a lot of weight left to lose and healthy living altogether still left to conquer.  I’m just getting started.  This may have been a goal crushed today–but it’s the beginning of so much more in the future.  #igotgoals isn’t over friends, there’s more to come!

So, afterwards…

We came right back to the hotel because after one spends four hours running, you don’t smell too good…like..at all.  Hit the recovery chocolate milk straight away, full pint today–I earned it! (Perfect blend of fast protein and carbs).  Stretched, showered, stretched, ate an incredible burger, stretched, rested, and soon to stretch/foam roll (sense a theme–I don’t want to be sore!).  There’s a fairly good chance I’m not taking off my medal anytime soon, and that’s okay.  I earned it!

I’m overwhelmed and feeling very loved by the outpouring of love and support that I’ve received–it’s incredible.  I didn’t realize that my husband was updating the Facebook world with my texts as I was passing mile points that I was telling him where I was, and I didn’t realize that I had somehow synced my timing chip to post on Facebook too–so most of the world knew in real time where I was–which in itself was a bit disconcerting when I realized it and then got over it quickly.  Here’s the deal on that:  I’ve spent a lot of time embarrassed over my speed/time.  But you know what?  I came to a realization today…I don’t give a rip.  Yeah, there’s a good population of people that walk faster than I run, but, guess what?  I’m not sitting on the couch.  I’m regularly exercising, following a training program (that starts over in two weeks for my next race…), eating well, and doing the work.  My only competition is me.  I came in last place today. SO WHAT!  I’m 1 for 1 in completed half marathons in my playbook. I’m good with that.  Back to my point…

Support.

It hasn’t been just today.  Or the last few days, weeks, months…it’s been a long time that many people have had my back.  That have read my crazy Facebook posts, that read my rambly blogs, that see there’s good, bad, and ugly on this wellness journey.  I have love and support in so many different ways and from so many different outlets and people that blessed almost seems like a trite word to use.  I don’t have the right and beautiful eloquent words that cover it, so just know, as I sit here tonight with a heart exploding in gratitude for so much and so many in my life–I thank God for you too.

The number one question my husband and I get from people regarding our individual wellness journeys is along the lines of “how are you doing it?”  It’s usually quickly followed by some form of “wow, that’s a lot of work,” “that seems so hard,”  and my all-time favorite, “I wish I could do that.”

Well, since I’m not an outwardly snarky person to people’s faces (most of the time), I generally won’t respond with what I’m really thinking…but let’s get a little blunt and lay it out here this morning and play a round of the meme game:

Wow, that’s a lot of work…

Yeah, being healthy is a lot of flippin’ work.  You know what else is a lot of work?  Being completely miserable.  I spend more time in active activities now than I used to, but (no pun intended) I also run circles around my former self and participate in life more.  I am more active in my holistic health, my relationships, my ministry, my community,  and my commitments.  I have the same 24 hours as everyone else, but my priorities have changed from sitting on my butt throwing a personal pity party to doing something about it and participating in my own life and health.  My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit…God wants to use me now for His purpose, not when I get around to fitting Him in to my schedule.  If I’m God’s handiwork, what kind of picture am I painting of His great and glorious creation sitting around like a bump on a log committing slow suicide?  Yikes.  The work just *might* be worth it when you think about it from another vantage point…I like this meme…try rewording things.

That seems so hard…

I used to not want to go anywhere or do anything because that meant I would have to move and exert energy.  In some cases, that included even the monumental task of putting on shoes!  It was really hard being as large as I was and the amount of effort it took to simply exist.  Losing weight is no picnic.  I track every bite that I consume.  Yeah, I eat treats and for the most part eat what I please within reason.  I also eat well, practice portion control, exercise, read and research, remain accountable, and participate in my holistic health in a whole host of ways.  It’s not easy–it takes intentional effort, but I’ll tell you what, the hard days being healthier sure as heck beat the hard days beating myself up being absolutely miserable in the prison of my own making.

I wish I could do that…

Well, why the heck not?  You can wish all you want.  Sorry to break it to you, fairy godmothers only exist in fairy tales…believe me, I waited around far too long for one to come along for me.  Stop making excuses.  Excuses will always be there…money, kids, aches and pains…I can list things all day long.  Only you can decide when enough is enough, I don’t know what your breaking point will be, but I hope you reach it sooner than later.  You don’t have to wish…you can do.  Just start somewhere.  It doesn’t have to be big.  It doesn’t have to be grand.  It doesn’t have to be perfect.  You just have to do something!

Everyone has their reasons on why they want to change or do or be in life…my husband and I embarked on our separate wellness journeys at similar times.  I’ve talked about my reasons and pursuit of holiness, and for my husband it’s more of a straight health pursuit in not being a slave to the insulin syringe.  In our work we hear a lot of excuses…I can’t do this, I can’t do that…and at the end of the day, all of it is just that–excuses.  We can only push people and encourage folks so far, there’s a polite line that we can’t exactly cross and tell it to people like it is…some days you have to (in love), but most days you walk alongside and help people discover their own excuses for what they are themselves and let the Holy Spirit do the job of convicting.  That’s the tough part to sit back and let God work…but He’s working in my life in amazing ways, I know he’ll do amazing things in yours if you ask Him (and then let Him!).

So…let’s cut the niceties just for today and lay it out there–whatever it is that you’re facing…wellness/weight loss/eating–pull down the façade, lose the lies you’re telling yourself, drop the excuses, and do something.  Get over yourself.  You’re never alone–God’s with you, I’m with you too–let’s party!

“What do you mean you don’t eat no meat?!” No offense to the head of curls vegetarian in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but I love me some meat…and there isn’t a day in the foreseeable future where our household will be sacrificing the world’s biggest point of protein contention: red meat. (medium rare, of course, the way God intended it)

Before I make my point here (and I will make a point before the end)…just so my Beachbody friends don’t come at me with pitchforks a-blazing before reading to the end, I’m not knocking you.  I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again–everyone needs to find what works for them and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another.  And that’s okay.  I have supported BB economy through a coach and love some of the workouts.  CIZE and PiYo are my faves.  The nutrition side of things just isn’t for me, but it works for others–and for that fact alone, rock on with your tribes. I think what you do is awesome.

I saw the movie Bad Moms this last week, and once you get past the language and crude jokes, the underlying theme is pretty spot on.  It was pretty stinkin’ hilarious, I’m so glad I went.  I don’t often go out to the movies anyway, but I wasn’t going to pass a chance to go and hang out with some great women.  Underlying theme–we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.  We do the best we can for our families based on a lot of different factors–our finances, our world view, our geographic location, our profession, our schedule, our values, our faith…I could go on all day long.  We do the same thing for our health and well being.

When you look at health and wellness, you’ve got the people that are all sparkly and perfect and just seem to “get” it.  Their weight loss or whatever they seek is a perfect trend in the correct direction and they have little bluebirds that groom them every morning and people randomly burst into song about how wonderful they are as they walk down the street.  Then there are those of us that walk down the street and people wonder how we tied our shoes that morning.  Even the pretty and sparkly have their hidden secrets…those things that they struggle with too.  We all just fumble around, find what works, find what doesn’t, try something else, and keep on moving.

It’s been several weeks since I’ve been able to take a breath and write…lots have gone on, but I’m happy they will be slowing down soon too.  Also in big news, 28 days until half marathon (commence hyper ventilating).  Lots of things will be taken off my plate in the coming weeks and I’m very grateful for that, even though we’re ramping up for our busiest season professionally, that doesn’t make me bat an eye anymore–I welcome that excitedly.  The great mystery of the weight loss plateau has been solved and the scale is moving in the right direction again.  I was posting Facebook updates at every five pounds, but when you’ve lost over 100, I think you’ve started to saturate the market on self importance…I think I’m going to just post larger milestones there.  Running posts, however, no limits there, LOL.  So, for what it’s worth, I’m 120lbs down now.  My doctor is a great and mighty genius…I actually doubted her because it didn’t make sense to me and I couldn’t find independent research to back her up, but based on her advice and desperation after over 3 months of no progress, I felt better within 24 hours, had resumed weight loss within 72 hours, have steadily continued creeping down on the scale since, and the specialist she sent me to echoed her words, was able show me medical backup from multiple credible sources, and explain to me some very eye opening things.  Never underestimate God’s creation, and how incredibly amazing how everything in our bodies work together and communicate…and the consequence of sin, you never know the full weight of your poor decisions made without faith.

So one thing that fitness and wellness gurus always seem to tout is meal prep.  Not my bag of chips.  My husband and I eat varied diets–we also eat very differently.  My husband is diabetic, I am not.  He eats a high protein diet.  I eat a more balanced carb/protein/fat ratio diet based on calorie intake varied only slightly on exertion (I don’t eat calorie burn, but on a long run day if I’m running 2+ hours, yeah, I’m eating a minimum of 200 additional calories of whatever the heck I please).  I like to call my diet the toddler diet because I snack all day long.  I eat a small breakfast (because I hate breakfast, my stomach hates consuming food first thing in the morning)–usually just coffee and cereal/almond milk, graze on small portion-controlled snacks through the day (yogurt, cheese, fiber bars/snacks, kind bars, hummus/veggies, fruit, etc) unless I have a lunch date or meeting, and dinner (a serving of a carb, a 4oz protein, and a boatload of veg), evening snack.  My husband is the protein king.  He can eat a two pound steak.  Does he do that every day?  No.  If we have steak (and we eat red meat once a week), we usually split a 12oz steak at home and he gets 2/3.  We also eat chicken, turkey, pork, and ground beef.  Bob will eat fish and lamb, I’ll eat tofu and other meat substitutes.  We’re not fans of ground turkey/chicken or turkey bacon…they aren’t the same, we’d rather just have the real thing. We eat out once a week as a couple to treat ourselves. Everything in moderation.

Everyone meal preps in different ways.  Just like there isn’t one way to lose weight or get healthy–there isn’t one way to meal plan.  It’s what works for you, and it likely will change over time.  Experiment with what works for you.  For me, it’s not about the time–it’s about the pennies.  When we first started eating well, we found it was easiest to shop every day because we were experimenting with what we liked.  Now that we know, it’s easier to shop in bulk.  We shop mostly once a week (I still have to stop for produce occasionally twice) and then warehouse shopping when we are in larger cities every few months.  Several years ago, we stopped eating out completely for months and took that savings to buy a deep freeze–we buy our meat in bulk and break in down into portioned freezer packs for us.  Yeah, it’s sticker shock at the register when you buy 4-6 months worth of meat and people look at you funny when you’re loading a car full of coolers (because you have to drive the meat three hours home and keep it safely cold) and spend the time breaking it down…but it’s worth it.  I’ll talk more another time about eating healthy and the most bang for your buck.  It really isn’t rocket science.

I’m going to include some pictures of our fridge, freezers, and pantry here (no judging!)…and this is where we go back to Bad Moms…we all do what works best for us.  With this week’s schedule and the meals I’ve got planned, the fresh produce is kind of light and we’ve got a lot of frozen veg on the schedule.  We stock processed snacks (gasp!), but we also eat a lot of fresh stuff too.  Some things (like my weekday toddler snacking) I do buy prepackaged foods because they’re easier (cost vs. benefit).  And the freezers, that’s fully stocked as of today for meat–that’s the next six months!

Find what works, plan on, and be healthy!  And if you find those grooming bluebirds, can you send them my way to do my hair?

My husband often uses a saying he learned in the military, “Nobody is totally useless, you can always use them as a bad example.”  Tongue-in-cheek aside, it really speaks to the fact that everyone has worth.  I don’t believe any single person that God has breathed life into on this planet is any more or any less worthy than another.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God–and God doesn’t make trash.

Somehow, living in the world, we’ve introduced this cryptic system of determining the worth of another person.  It’s based on appearance, success, financial gain, popularity, who you are related to, who you know, what kind of car you drive, where you live, how you speak, the activities that you engage in…and really, I could keep going all day long.  As I sit here and ponder this idea, I come up with few positive attributes that judging another human being brings to the table.  But I can list a thousand damning points it raises.

As a sarcastically cynical optimist, I like to believe that there is some shred of good in every person.  I encounter people daily that range from hysterically beside themselves in gratitude for the tiny things to people who are so angry at the world or so fed up with their circumstances that they treat others like they are less than dirt, and speak in said manners accordingly.  I think both ends of the spectrum have been affected by this system of worth.  At some point, someone was told, shown, and had it affirmed in their life that they have worth–that their life, accomplishments, or just the sheer fact they wake up in the morning to take another breath is enough.  The flipside, someone has been shown that someone else is superior, better than, or simply more than they.

I think these messages that we receive on our worth–good, bad, and indifferent–start to chip away at our emotional condition in positive or negative ways.  They begin to form our judgments of ourselves that either drive our ambitions or slowly kill us.  But (and there’s always a ‘but’), we have the power to stop this vicious system of how worth is determined…

How?

By looking at the truth that isn’t up for argument.  God’s Word.  I wish I had the superpower to walk around be able to tell people exactly what God created them to be/do/etc…so far I haven’t been that lucky.  I’m sorry to tell you that God has a meaning and purpose for our individual existence, because with that comes a lot of great responsibility too.  Salvation is a gift freely given, but we have to receive it.  Don’t you like taking care of your gifts? Making them last? Treasuring them?  Our worth, our identity, our salvation–however you define it–comes from God and God alone.

Simple? Yes.  Easy? No.  I don’t have the answers on this one because if you’ve paid even a tiny bit of attention to anything I’ve written previously, you know that I wrestle with reconciling this whole principle of worth.  I can see it in others.  I value other people as a beautiful and unique creation of God with different strengths and abilities that contribute incredible things to our world…but I can’t translate it to myself.  There’s some dents in the armor of my stubborn thick skull, I fully believe this is something God and I are hitting the mats hard with for me to start wrapping my head around and kill the disconnect.  As usual…a work in progress.

Not sure where I was headed in writing this morning, my mind and heart are pulled in a thousand directions at the moment.  So, if you get anything out of this post, this is it:  Everyone has worth.  You are a beautiful gift to this earth.  You have meaning and purpose.  You matter.

Jury’s out.  Someday I may figure it out…but I’d probably miss the mark anyway.  I feel like the last eighteen months (give or take) that I’ve been earnestly and (messily) honestly submitting to God’s plans for me personally and not my own, and living in greater obedience to His will have completely catapulted me into completely unknown territory.  I find myself more often than not, usually daily, sitting here thinking to myself, “who the heck am I?”

I don’t recognize myself.  I have been caught up in stereotypes and the degradation of my own mind for so much longer than I care to admit, that to “assign” myself positive traits is a totally foreign process.  There is such a disconnect in my mind between old thoughts that I took as truth for too long, and the actual truth, that it becomes really hard to reconcile a happy medium somewhere in the middle because the old and the new are so diametrically opposed.  I’ve never been good at shutting my brain off, it’s the overthinker in me, but more often than not, I have to step away from the thoughts and just roll with life because it doesn’t make any sense to me.

I still live in fear over, well, everything–but part of that is byproduct of life out of my control, so that one really has to just sit with God to work through.  I am truly embarrassed to figure out how to accept a compliment or positivity in any form with grace because I still can’t erase the lie that I’m not of worth to receive any sort of praise.  I get so excited (inside and out) when I hear that the work I’m doing on me has had some sort of influence on someone else, since that was never part of my intention at the outset.  I get really torqued when reading new things and hashing out in conversation all things running–even just being out there and pounding the pavement for a 30 minute short run gives me something to look forward to.  Healthy choices in every area are the norm, poor choices aren’t. I have greater drive and ambition for change as opposed to the status quo of daily routine in just about every area of life.  I speak up now.  I use my voice and what little influence I have to be heard.  I actually express my opinions.

Right now I live in what I’m just calling the discomfort zone.  My comfort zone used to be hiding away, keeping my mouth shut, stuffing down everything with food, and simply just existing.  I feel like for the first time I’m truly living my life to the fullest–and it’s past amazing, it’s beyond comprehension.  So, maybe it’s not about the labels and knowing who I am…I think I’ll just rest in Who I belong.  The discomfort zone isn’t a bad place to be. (and yeah, RDJ quote, because…well, Ironman.  Do I really need to elaborate?)