Jury’s out. Someday I may figure it out…but I’d probably miss the mark anyway. I feel like the last eighteen months (give or take) that I’ve been earnestly and (messily) honestly submitting to God’s plans for me personally and not my own, and living in greater obedience to His will have completely catapulted me into completely unknown territory. I find myself more often than not, usually daily, sitting here thinking to myself, “who the heck am I?”
I don’t recognize myself. I have been caught up in stereotypes and the degradation of my own mind for so much longer than I care to admit, that to “assign” myself positive traits is a totally foreign process. There is such a disconnect in my mind between old thoughts that I took as truth for too long, and the actual truth, that it becomes really hard to reconcile a happy medium somewhere in the middle because the old and the new are so diametrically opposed. I’ve never been good at shutting my brain off, it’s the overthinker in me, but more often than not, I have to step away from the thoughts and just roll with life because it doesn’t make any sense to me.
I still live in fear over, well, everything–but part of that is byproduct of life out of my control, so that one really has to just sit with God to work through. I am truly embarrassed to figure out how to accept a compliment or positivity in any form with grace because I still can’t erase the lie that I’m not of worth to receive any sort of praise. I get so excited (inside and out) when I hear that the work I’m doing on me has had some sort of influence on someone else, since that was never part of my intention at the outset. I get really torqued when reading new things and hashing out in conversation all things running–even just being out there and pounding the pavement for a 30 minute short run gives me something to look forward to. Healthy choices in every area are the norm, poor choices aren’t. I have greater drive and ambition for change as opposed to the status quo of daily routine in just about every area of life. I speak up now. I use my voice and what little influence I have to be heard. I actually express my opinions.
Right now I live in what I’m just calling the discomfort zone. My comfort zone used to be hiding away, keeping my mouth shut, stuffing down everything with food, and simply just existing. I feel like for the first time I’m truly living my life to the fullest–and it’s past amazing, it’s beyond comprehension. So, maybe it’s not about the labels and knowing who I am…I think I’ll just rest in Who I belong. The discomfort zone isn’t a bad place to be. (and yeah, RDJ quote, because…well, Ironman. Do I really need to elaborate?)