Stephanie Under Construction Blog

I feel a burden to weigh in on this topic (pun intended), because it’s taking up real estate in my head lately, so I’ve got to get it out of there.  We’ve seen it all over the internet–The Militant Baker, Tess Holiday (300lb plus size model, spearheads the #effyourbeautystandards campaign), Whitney Way Thore (Star of “My Big Fat Fabulous Life”), and many more that I simply don’t pay attention to.  These people and many others are part of what is essentially being dubbed the “fat glorification” movement–big or small, whatever what you are, be loud and be proud.

Then there’s the thousands upon thousands of fat shamers out there that take every opportunity to knock people because of their size at every opportunity they see fit.  They come in all forms from those that make comments in the grocery store (just had that happen last week, and I must say, I handled it swimmingly) to those that passive aggressively talk down to overweight people and make “suggestions” on how their life could be better if only they lost weight.

I can’t say that I fit into one camp or another, for many reasons.  First and foremost, I know better than to EVER speak negatively to ANYONE of ANY size regarding their size.  I know what it feels like.  I also know that for the majority of overweight people, laziness and a neutral attitude is not the primary cause of their size–despite common misconception.  Yes, it is true for a minority of the overweight population, but not the majority.  I know how complicated this journey is, especially since you don’t lose weight overnight–it’s hard during the process when you are healthy, eating healthfully, and in shape, yet the exterior doesn’t match the stereotype of what “healthy” looks like yet.  Fat doesn’t equate to unhealthy.

That last statement said…

On the flipside, I could never fall into the category of a fat glorifier.  I credit that solely to my unhealthy mind–and yes, that’s a project in and of itself.  You see, I separate the idea of loving and accepting yourself into the physical and emotional realms.  Yes, absolutely, without a doubt, positive self image and acceptance of your body are key in emotional health.  I will be the first to admit, I’m not at that place–I never have been, I was programmed from an early age that because I was overweight that I couldn’t be happy and love myself for who I was, because there was something in me–my size–that needed to be fixed.  It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the messages I grew up around in the 80s, the era of Jane Fonda and spandex aerobic VHS and beta tapes!  Will I get to a place where I can accept myself, possibly even love the person I am?  You bet, it’s all a part of God’s work in me.

Now the physical side of fat glorification.  It is completely beyond any conception of my reality and world view to accept and love my overweight physical body.  I simply cannot grasp accepting and being content at a size that not could, but eventually will without a doubt, have a negative impact on my health.  I don’t find peace and serenity in the squishy bits or find empowerment in treating my body like trash by putting crap into it and not caring what others around me think.  That mindset quite possibly could be my saving grace.

Here’s what I’m getting at…right or wrong, popular or not, this is my stance:

I am heavily convicted by the Holy Spirit that we need to be honoring God with our bodies–we need to have respect for His creation.  We are made in the image of God, and what reflection of faith in Him and His awesome creation are we portraying as physically and emotionally unhealthy people?  This doesn’t have a size label on it–I’m talking to everyone here.  Regardless if you are 700 or 70 pounds, you need to be living in a healthy manner.  Weight will figure itself out, after all, it’s simply a measurement of your gravitational pull (or something silly like that). This is going to look different for every single person.  That is okay.  It should, it shows our unique nature as humans.  Health comes from a balanced approach to our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves all working together to be the best person we can be.  There is no right or wrong way to achieve health, but as long as you are making responsible choices and decisions, go with grace!

I’m no professional, I’ve just found what’s right for me, and it’s working.  Will it look different in the future? Probably.  Change comes from knowledge.  But right now, right where I’m at, I find peace and contentment with God that I am on the right path for me to be the best me I can be.  That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

So, I did a little math after my weigh in this morning (55lbs down, by the way…) and don’t get me wrong here, I am over the moon about my physical progress thus far…but I’ve found myself discouraged when looking at the big picture.  I know, I know…small attainable goals, it’s not about the end result, it’s not about weight loss–it’s about health, just take it a day at a time, look at how far you’ve come.  Believe me, I can pep talk myself all day long.  I know what you’re going to say.  Discouraged isn’t even the right word…I think battle weary more encompasses my feelings.  When I look at the time it is going to take to accomplish my ultimate goal, it’s exhausting to think that it is still about two years off.

Then I have to remind myself about everything that has no relation to a flippin’ number on a scale that have happened over the last six months:

• I just registered for my first 5K this morning.  I had a time goal to train for in mind and shattered it last night, two months before the event.  It is insane to me that the thought going through my head now is, “I wonder how much running vs. walking I’ll be doing by the time the race comes around.”  Who am I?
• Healthy eating is the norm.  Poor eating choices just aren’t worth it to me most of the time.  I just sat here and scoured the menu for a restaurant hubby and I will be going to for lunch and decided on my healthier choice but super tasty meal that I will enjoy without any guilt, remorse, deprivation, or sadness.  Can I eat whatever I want? Yes.  Do I? No.
• I can do pushups.  No, really.  I didn’t think I could, and almost cried when the trainer wanted me to try them last week because I didn’t want to embarrass myself by trying and failing.  Not only can I do pushups, I did 27 of them on Wednesday.  Yes, I am still sore.
• My overall actions of life are more disciplined and routine.  I am a lazy person by nature, but I find myself living more life than forcing myself to just survive.
• I have not eradicated negative self talk, but I have slowed down my thought process to realize the negative garbage and try to reword it in a constructive manner.
• My prayer life has dramatically changed for the better
• My connection with God is far more tangible and less forced
• I just generally feel happier.

I’m sure there’s much more that I’m forgetting, but this is still big stuff.  But for now, back to living and enjoying life as it is today.

Sigh.  I hate the moments that I find myself beating my head against the wall.  Discontent is not a good look for me.

I have found myself really meditating on the scripture lately that speaks of everything being permissible but not beneficial and putting it up against some of the things that I have involved myself in over the last several months.  I’m starting to see that some of the things I am doing for the sake of bettering myself are actually having the opposite effect because of the real estate in my mind they take up as stumbling blocks come along.

I need to take some of these stumbling block events and act…as a sign to get out of dodge.  But I waffle (oohhh…waffles sound good!).  I left one program completely, one, because my husband and I were only attending to help support others that felt they needed this program and the others flaked out, and two, as a program for me, it’s not rigid enough in the areas that I need it to be.  For me.  It’s a great program for those that find benefit in it, everyone finds their own way to succeed–so I have no place to knock it.  It’s just not for me, and that’s okay.

There’s another group that I just can’t come to grips one way or another.  I have met some wonderful people that I don’t want to fall out of fellowship with because I know that I need fellowship of people with a like mind, and the primary purpose of the group meets a need that I am seeking to meet…but at the same time, there’s some half truths that get thrown around that I don’t agree with and feel like in some situations that I have had to compromise my personal faith as to not offend others or to make them more comfortable.  I know we have to meet each other halfway in any group situation and agree to disagree sometimes, but keeping my mouth shut for the sake of group unity seems to only be eating away at me, giving me a bad attitude, and knowing that if I was to address the concerns that I have, it would unfortunately affect me in greater ways than just being a pariah in the group.  Rock, hard place, me.  I just keep praying on this one and hoping God will show me the next right action, because I’m not ready to take an action in either direction of my own will at this point, and in the meantime just praying for the serenity to let go of the things that are eating away at my heart and not overreact.  Maybe this is just a season where God is showing me to persevere and stay the course through something that makes me uncomfortable?

But, hindrances aside…I have found a mental respite in a safe and comfortable place that has the rigidity to keep me on track and the parameters that I can live within to express myself and not become a stumbling block to anyone else, because they have the same freedom of expression too.  It’s a group that’s provided me with great freedom and growth in previous physical locations and experiences.  I like the challenge of learning from people who are not necessarily of the same mindset of me and have most certainly traveled a different path than me, but that we have a common goal.

I wish there was one answer for everyone on how to get where they want to be.  But that’s not reality.  We meet people where they are at and everyone has to pave their own way to get where they want to be.  What I’m doing isn’t necessarily right for someone else, and it doesn’t have to be, but it does have to be right for me.  Will it change, morph, grow, and be different in the future?  Probably.  I just have to trust God to order my steps and lead the way.

I think that mental transformation is the hardest facet of this journey for me.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again until the day I die, my head is a scary place to be.  There’s a lot of demons to be tamed, lies and habits to be broken, and wrong thinking to be corrected.  I would love to have the ability to have a one-stop-shop to transform my mind, but such a place doesn’t exist.  I have to use my relationship with God, accountability from other people and places and programs, and personal discipline to change the trash to treasure that resides in my head.  It’s work, hard work…but worth every second of effort, and sometimes strife, along the way.

In other news…

My session with the personal trainer was great.  I wish it was financially feasible to continue to work with this guy because he totally listened to me, understood where I was coming from, and then threw every challenge out the window.  He kicked my rear, hardcore.  He had me doing things that I didn’t think I was physically strong enough or fast enough to do.  I feel a little stupid that it makes me teary eyed that a personal training session has had so much impact on me, but it has definitely stoked the fires of my ability to challenge myself to go further and work harder.  Nothing can stand in my way.  It’s not a total moot point yet, there might be some options out there to work with this trainer, but it’s way out of my hands.  Again, it’s another source of accountability and I think could be beneficial to me for a time.

Registration opens for the 5K I want to enter tomorrow…I’m excited.  It’s a really cool feeling to have a goal so close to my grasp.  Again, the teary eyes when I think about the feeling I will have crossing that finish line in September. Amazing.

I could honestly sit here and envision my goals and dreams all day, with the honest knowledge that I will have those things come to pass in my life…but it’s time to get back to reality.  Be blessed today.

Every gym has one.  The one at my gym is about 40, 5’3″, 100 pounds soaking wet, and looks disgustingly cute in her workout wear because she doesn’t glean a drop of sweat from her moderate stroll on the treadmill.  This is a public service announcement, really, so don’t hesitate to share in the spirit that it’s meant (in love, of course).

*****

Dear Resident Gym Encourager,

First of all, let me thank you from the bottom of my heart for the selfless service you provide to those that are working out.  There needs to be more encouragement in the world, and I am grateful that you have taken on this responsibility.  Maybe you do it because you were once the recipient of encouragement and know how important it is to spur people one, because honestly, you never know how they’re feeling and your words may tip the scales to help them keep living a healthy lifestyle.

I, for one, absolutely need and covet your encouragement.  It is a huge motivator for me when my motivation is lacking, which is usually every single time I’m dragging my rear in the door of the gym.  I truly appreciate your words when I’m dripping in sweat and can barely breathe.

But let’s take a moment and talk about your approach…

The soft hand on the shoulder, the doe eyes, the “you’re doing so good, sweetie” in the sickeningly sweet tone of voice has got to go.  I don’t doubt your sincerity, but the way this approach comes off to me is that I’m a leper in the gym–that clearly a fat chick has no place alongside the skinny and fit elite that deign the gym to sit on the machines and furiously text between sets or giggle with their friends.  It makes me believe every bad thing about myself that I hear in my head.

See, you don’t know me.  You don’t know what brought me to this moment.  You don’t know the literal lifetime that has led up to me taking control of my wellness.  You don’t see how far I’ve come, how far I’ve progressed.  And sometime, if you’ll give me 15 minutes, I’ll happily tell you my story so you can know my journey, and not have to grapple with the thought that I just rolled out of bed this morning and thought, “hey, I’ll join a gym today.”  You’ll know that I’m not here on some half-committed whim, but that every time I lace up my shoes, I’m taking an intentional action to save my life.

Keep up your good work in encouraging others. Please.  It’s a vital service.  But next time you see me awkwardly climb down from whatever piece of equipment that just kicked me in the rear and am wiping the nasty sweat dripping down my face, all you really need to do to convey your sincerity is smack me on the back or snap your towel at me and say, “Keep kickin’ it, Badass!”

Love, A future former fat chick

I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe.  The sole thought on my mind is that I would like to workout right now to clear my head.  Seriously? Who has that thought?  Another reason for the list on why exercise is hazardous to your health.

I’ve been alone with my thoughts for several hours this morning on the drive back home after visiting family for Father’s Day yesterday and all I’ve done is make myself anxious and work myself up.  Copious amounts of caffeine to wake me up on the desolate roads have compounded the issue too. I’m worried about something that could potentially affect my husband and I. In the grand scheme of life, it may not be a big deal to some people, but it would be a decision that we feel like we should be a part of…or at least included before the end result is determined.  Overreacting much?  Probably.  Doesn’t invalidate my thoughts and feelings however.  I’m entitled to my feelings, whatever they may be.  And we don’t want to potentially add fuel to the fire by investigating it further at this point.  Rumors stink.  I need to take the advice of the wise sticky note on the top of my computer monitor, “Worry won’t change tomorrow, it will only steal today’s peace.”

I find myself quite overwhelmed this last week.  Nothing really earth shattering has happened, except my irrational expectations of myself rearing their ugly head.  I cannot be everything to everyone at every moment.  I know this.  But my defects of people-pleasing and perfectionism are staring me in the face.  I’ve been doing a lot of “acting as if” and taking on things that I envision myself able to handle when some of my goals have been met, but the reality of it is, I’m not at that point yet and I find myself gasping for air.

I’m in a season of life where I am shifting my priorities to be in right order because when these priorities are ordered in a godly way, many things will not be such a stumbling block to me.  I don’t live in the delusion that life will be easier, because I know that to be far from the truth, but “I” won’t be standing in the way of “me.”  I know that doesn’t make sense to many, or maybe it does, but it makes complete sense in my head.  I am working to realize and change the things in my life that make me my own worst enemy.  My thoughts on the process? Self discovery is for the birds.  A necessary evil.  I am tired of living with the blinders on, so I keep moving forward…however slow that may seem at some moments.

Onto happier things, I’m not going to dwell in my own pity party–at least not today.

Last Monday, I officially hit my 50-lb weight loss mark.  I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t make me really proud and a little teary eyed to have persevered to this point.  Journey’s still not over, there’s a long way to go, but this is definitely a big benchmark of progress.

I’ve had to accept the fact that my body is shrinking…in very strange ways.  Wouldn’t it be nice when you lost weight, if you lost it proportionally throughout your body?  I’m down two shirt number sizes (uniform shirt sizes at that, which in the world of unconventional sizing, this is a big deal).  I believe I’m officially down a pants size now too.  My jeans are baggy throughout and the waist is so large now that they are sitting inappropriately low on my hips, so I need to suck up the self confidence, dig out the next size smaller from the depths of my clothing collection, and try them on.  It would be nice if that’s the case, because I have a much better selection of summer appropriate clothing at the next size level.  I also fit into some smaller articles of clothing that have been a huge boost to my feelings about how I look because they are more “normal” than “super fat girl” sized…c’mon, you know you’re a little vain too…

We joined a different gym this past week that is more geared to our fitness goals and a benefit of membership is meeting with a personal trainer to set up a customized exercise plan tailored to my goals.  I’m excited/nervous to meet with the trainer on Friday.  Excited, because I want to have a solid plan of action knowing that I’m doing the right things to maximize fat burning vs. strength training (which I’ve been able to add for a few weeks now that my back has progressed in healing) for me specifically–everyone’s different, and one person’s plan isn’t necessarily going to benefit another person.  Nervous, because I hope this is someone that is going to listen to me, my personal goals, my concerns, and understand where I’m coming from.  Yes, I’m a fat chick…but at the same time, I have specific fitness goals and am likely more capable of doing some things than the first impression that some may have (fat doesn’t equal immobile!).  And fat doesn’t equal ignorant either, I’ve got a bit of knowledge behind me too.  This isn’t my first rodeo.  I know what I can and can’t do right now, and what I’m capable of doing as time and strength move forward.

I’ve taken some action in some other areas too that are a direct benefit to me emotionally and spiritually, but because of their nature, it’s not really open forum discussion.  I’m excited for the things that are on the horizon.  Things are exploding for me right now, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for so many, many things.

I wish I could make a checklist of changes to chronicle how positively things have happened in such a short time over the last several months, really over the last year since moving here.  There’s some things, like numerical weight loss, that can be measured in such a way…but there’s a lot of other things that are happening too that aren’t quite as easy to put the measuring stick up to.  To sum it up, the best, and really only thing I can say is: It is well with my soul.

Praise the Lord!

I have a scar on my chest that’s about 3″ long from skin cancer that was operated on about eight years ago.  It’s faded over time, but it’s still there as a reminder to always wear my sunscreen and get regular cancer checks at a dermatologist.  I remember asking for prayer in a women’s ministry event planning meeting about four months before our wedding to help me find a wedding dress that didn’t show off my hideous new scar. (Vain much?)

I have other small scars on my body from chicken pox, falling off bikes, tripping over my own two feet, gallbladder surgery, my first terrible leg shaving incident, poor fitting but super cute shoes, and other bumps and bruises along the way.

I also have scars that can’t be seen.  Those are the scars that remind me of lessons learned through my own mistakes.  I also have scars that remind me of the fact that I will never be a victim again.

Scars leave a mark on our life to remind us of past experiences.  We can’t forget our past, it has shaped the person that we are today–but we can’t live in the past either.  We can use our past experiences as indicators of mistakes we don’t want to make again, or as lessons on how to react in the future.  We need to take these scars simply as information and move forward.

I don’t want to be the person I’ve been in the past.  There’s a lot of attributes of me that creep up once in awhile and cause a whole lot of havoc in the person that I am striving to be today.  The person I want to be today is who God wants me to be.  I don’t want to be like another person or some fantasized idea of who I should be, I want to be me.

It’s hard to not get drawn into past views of myself and settle in there for the long haul, or be haunted by some unattainable view of a person I would want to be in the future.  I want to be me.  Right now.  Real, raw, unapologetically who I am–flaws and all.  The more that I let that idea sink in, the more comfortable it becomes.  It’s a scary prospect, because I can honestly tell you that I’ve never been happy with who I am…but it is a pretty safe statement to make today that I’m starting to like who I am, right where I’m at. I’ll always be a work in progress to be better than I am at this moment, but that doesn’t change who I am.

I’m me.  Scars, bumps, bruises, and all.  And today, that’s okay with me.

First, let’s start off with a victory.  I have a serious fear of unknown places because of my arch nemesis, chairs with arms.  There’s always a chance those stinkin’ chairs are just too small for my rear end, resulting in an embarrassing situation (that usually only I am privy to, but it hurts nonetheless).  This week I went to a doctor’s office that I had never been to for my foot and I was faced with the potential of an embarrassing situation.  I came in, signed in, and looked around and saw it: a waiting room full of little butt chairs.  I sighed to myself and looked for an “out” for sitting down–a display or something I could pretend that I was engrossed in to avoid taking a seat.  But something in my head told me to try and sit down.  The waiting room was empty, so no one would see if I failed, and I would only have to endure the inner self abuse if I couldn’t sit down, so I took a chance.  Take a deep breath. Sit in the chair. Wait a second. I’m sitting? I’M SITTING IN A LITTLE BUTT CHAIR! COMFORTABLY! The smile on my face was ridiculous, I’m a little glad there was no one there to witness it–and a little sad when they called me back into the exam room, but I did it. I sat in a little butt chair.  I didn’t have to feel subhuman this time! Hooray!  And to top it off, I was relieved to find out the problem with my foot I was having examined was not weight-related, as I’ve feared for the several years that I’ve put off having any type of exam to avoid the embarrassment of hearing, yet again, “lose weight, it will feel better.” The doctor was very kind in commending my weight loss and exercise in spite of the occasional pain I’ve been having and assured me that my size was not a contributing factor.  That made me feel really good.

But, all good things must come to an end.  In my study this week, I’ve been concentrating on what is dubbed “the curse of the skinny jeans”–the idea that physical weight loss success will solve all the problems of the world.  As you know from my previous posts, I do not believe that to be the case.  I know that there needs to be an inner transformation for outward progress to be sustainable.  However, that belief aside, I fall prey to the curse of the skinny jeans.  After some ugly soul searching, these are some of the lies that I believe/have believed at one time would be the result of living at my ideal weight:

• I would look good in my clothes and have more clothing options
• I would look more like I fit in with my family than being the fat outcast
• I would be more comfortable in social settings and less self conscious
• My relationship with God would be thriving
• My husband would be more attracted to me
• I would be more focused, less tired, more productive
• I would be more outgoing, more likely to step out of my comfort zone
• Negative self talk would be gone.  I would feel good about myself

LIES LIES LIES!!! Okay, so there are little smidgens of half-truths in there, like the fact that “normal” women’s clothing is certainly much more flattering than plus size clothing…but really now, let’s have a reality check.  A number on the scale is not going to make any of these situations change for the better.  Everything in my life is not tied to an external view of myself.  A “normal” weight would not make my life easier.  My problems in life will not magically vaporize because of the number in the back of my jeans.

So what then brings about truth?

Finding joy and completeness in God.

John 15:9-12 says, “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.  Now remain in my love.  If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”

The promise of obedience and remaining in God’s love is that our joy may be complete.  I’ve done a little brainstorming as to what joy and complete mean to me, and have been able to come up with a couple statements that are truth, no matter what size I am, no matter what place I am in life:

• I recognize joy in my life when I feel content in my soul despite what’s going on around me
• I recognize joy in my relationship with Christ when I am not grasping at straws in my own strength, but rather fully relying on God for my support.
• If my joy is complete through my relationship with Christ, my spiritual life reflects that through discipline that makes healthy choices an effortless decision.  I would have peace in my mind and heart through obedience.

There’s no lasting, fulfilling joy that comes from those lies manifesting themselves in my life.  Yes, some of them can bring some temporary happiness, but there’s no magic in reaching a specific number on the scale.  Life will still go on in the process to reach those tangible goals, and it’s my choice how to live in the meantime.  I choose joy.

I know, right?  Last words you would be expecting to come from my mouth.  I was working on my personal Bible study time for this week and came across the question, “If you were to thank God for your struggles with food, what “rich treasures” would you say you have discovered on the battlefield?”

Treasures? In battling food?  You’ve got to be kidding me, right? Doesn’t God know that basically everything surrounding the idea of food absolutely makes my head spin?

And then I gave it more than three seconds of thought and came up with a few things…

• My struggles with food and walking this journey (this time) with a reliance on God has given me a HUGE recognition of the things that make me weak, far more than I have ever been able to see before.  This has the capacity to be overwhelming to see so many weaknesses in myself exposed, but by not doing this alone, and tapping into God’s strength, I come to a point where I again realize that it’s not an overnight job.  Some weaknesses I may have forever, and that’s okay, just recognizing them as weaknesses is a positive step in self awareness.  Others, will be conquered over time and turned into strengths.
• My struggles have shown me that I possess the ability to persevere.  Five months so far in the grand scheme of life isn’t that much, considering my longest previous weight loss effort was eight months, but it’s a solid start.  I can see the capacity in myself to continue on in the long haul.  Some days I grow weary and simply don’t want to make a single adult choice, justify myself out of right thinking, and want to sit on the floor and throw a toddler-grade tantrum.  That’s okay.  There will be days like that.  I just have to pick myself up from those days and carry on.  I know I have what it takes to see this life transformation through, day by day, for the years to come.
• My struggles have shown me that I can find joy in the journey–any journey.  It’s the little things that I have to grasp onto when motivation is fleeting.  I have so many little things that have added up to being huge sources of joy for me in the recent months.  Compliments from unlikely sources, truly worded encouragement from friends and colleagues, beautiful things that my husband says.  These are some of those tangible things that I talked about previously that I hold on to like a chubby girl guarding her cupcake. I love my new life of routine, even though there’s still days I want to buck it, I find joy in learning to live life abundantly.
• My struggles have helped me to see God working in my life.  I find greater satisfaction in my relationship with God.  Employing regular spiritual disciplines in the way they were intended have influenced the way that I feel, and are slowly but surely, invading my thoughts as well.  The fruits of the spirit that I so desperately want to see manifested in me–love, peace, joy, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, kindness, patience, and of course, self-control–are starting to take root.  The seeds are being nurtured, and in due time, those godly attributes will be more evident in my walk with God.  I am a, but will be a stronger, testament to the work of God that He can accomplish in ANY person at ANY time.
• Realization of my struggles have helped me to relate to others. I’m not an addict in the eyes of many, because, well, food is an “acceptable sin.”  Many people don’t see an addiction to food as the same as nicotine, alcohol, or drug addiction.  But here’s the reality, in many ways a food addiction is harder to recover from because you can’t just stop eating.  You have to eat to live.  A smoker, drug user, or alcoholic completely abstain from their vice to recover.  That’s a touchy thought for a lot of people–and maybe I’ll expand on that sometime, because I’ve got a lot to say on that topic–but I don’t want to deviate from the idea of relating to people.  No, I am not an alcoholic.  For the most part, back in my party days, I could drink like a lady.  But I can easily see how my addictive tendencies toward anything and everything could have thrown me into a lot of trouble with alcohol had I continued to live the way I lived in my early 20s and the decisions I made then.  My struggles have gained me insight into being a little less sympathetic and slightly more empathetic with those that face demons in their own life of any kind.  That’s an asset.

So, there we have it…I sure have a lot to be thankful for today.  Instead of questioning why I have to deal with the struggles that I face, I can see the value that lies in the broken places.  And rely on the promise that those parts won’t be broken forever.

I’m a fairly logical person.  I like tangible, measurable progress in any endeavor.  That’s been a bit of a thorn for me the last couple of weeks, because, as with any weight loss endeavor, loss starts to slow down.  It’s not because “I’m bad” or “giving up” or “cheating,” it just is what it is…body mechanics are doing their shifting too. So instead of sneezing and losing five pounds, I’m fighting for each ounce the scale is going down.  And don’t feed me the platitude that “muscle weighs more than fat.”  Yes, that is in fact true in and of itself, but when you really do your homework on that statement in terms of weight loss, it’s a cop out.  One of my battles is excuses–the justifications that I make to myself that make things “okay.”  Don’t feed me bull. I don’t have room in my head for it.

I needed something tangible yesterday because I was feeling a little discouraged after my morning weigh-in with only one pound lost to show for the last several weeks.  At physical therapy for my back, I do an exercise with a belt secured around my waist and walk away from the machine to pull weight.  My therapeutic setting for multiple repetitions is 10 pounds, and after the first few–that takes some work to continue pulling an additional 10 pounds around as you walk.  I was very curious, so I asked if they could set the machine at 45 pounds so I could see what it was like to haul around the weight that I was carrying on my person when I started all of this.  They didn’t want me to try because of the stress it would put on my back to pull, but helped me brace myself to take a few steps.  I couldn’t even move one step forward.  That was a reality check.

In some ways I was surprised, but in other ways, as I thought about it–this doesn’t come as too much of a surprise.  When I started back in January, I honestly couldn’t walk that well.  It took herculean effort to lift myself from a sitting position.  Steps were awful and took some intentional effort to step up/down.  A lot has changed in a relatively short amount of time.  I walk better. I can walk distance now.  Other than our awful couches at home (which no one can get up from gracefully because of their cheap construction), I have no problem getting up from sitting.  Steps are pretty much a non-issue, I can walk up/down them like a “normal” person now.

I know it seems like I focus a lot on the physical, and generally I do, because that’s where the facts and figures lie.  I’ve made quite a bit of progress in other areas as well.  I’ve identified a lot of areas in need of improvement and have started to make attempts in changing those areas.  Changing my way of thinking is a big one, and a tough one, but I notice myself weighing thoughts more carefully and comparing them with God’s truth and calling my lies exactly what they are, rubbish.  I find myself relying a lot more on God’s strength than my own.  And like I talked about in one of my last posts about motivation vs. discipline, slowly but surely the habits being established are becoming discipline–doing things I need to do even when I don’t want to do them.

There’s still a long road ahead, but I tarry on confident today that I’m making slow and steady progress down the path.  Dragging my feet in the sand some days, but moving forward nonetheless.

I’ve stepped back this week from exercise a little bit, even had to rest from physical therapy because I have had some back pain and have been advised to take it easy. For the most part, I’ve been okay with this, but of course there have been a few times where I’ve beat myself up too. I’ve been a bit anxious too over some stuff, so I kind of hit a wall this morning overwhelming myself with some of the commitments I have made recently. But, a few days and it will all be behind me. One thing at a time. 

This week I have been concentrating on replacing old lies that I tell myself with new truths, and connecting it to scripture. I have 4 of these new truths that I am seeking to engrain in my head.  I’ve also been reading a spiritually based book on negative self-talk.  Some hard stuff to swallow. 

I’m taking this afternoon to rest and reflect, and for some reason I have gotten it my head to make a “fitness bucket list”–all the things that I want to achieve for my body. So, here goes:

• Walk a 5K
• Walk a 10K
• Run a 5K
• Run a 10K
• Run a half marathon 
• Complete a yoga class without modifying any of the poses
• Do 10 pull-ups (mind you, I have never had any semblance of arm strength)
• Defeat the stairmaster 
• Learn how to do a handstand and a cartwheel 

There’s no timeline on any of these, except the first one, my goal on that is the Color Your Sole 5K on September 12.  It’s just kind of fun to think about the things that I want to achieve with a healthy body. I don’t think any of these things are out of the realm of possibility. Just what’s on my mind today…