Alternate Universe

I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe.  The sole thought on my mind is that I would like to workout right now to clear my head.  Seriously? Who has that thought?  Another reason for the list on why exercise is hazardous to your health.

I’ve been alone with my thoughts for several hours this morning on the drive back home after visiting family for Father’s Day yesterday and all I’ve done is make myself anxious and work myself up.  Copious amounts of caffeine to wake me up on the desolate roads have compounded the issue too. I’m worried about something that could potentially affect my husband and I. In the grand scheme of life, it may not be a big deal to some people, but it would be a decision that we feel like we should be a part of…or at least included before the end result is determined.  Overreacting much?  Probably.  Doesn’t invalidate my thoughts and feelings however.  I’m entitled to my feelings, whatever they may be.  And we don’t want to potentially add fuel to the fire by investigating it further at this point.  Rumors stink.  I need to take the advice of the wise sticky note on the top of my computer monitor, “Worry won’t change tomorrow, it will only steal today’s peace.”

I find myself quite overwhelmed this last week.  Nothing really earth shattering has happened, except my irrational expectations of myself rearing their ugly head.  I cannot be everything to everyone at every moment.  I know this.  But my defects of people-pleasing and perfectionism are staring me in the face.  I’ve been doing a lot of “acting as if” and taking on things that I envision myself able to handle when some of my goals have been met, but the reality of it is, I’m not at that point yet and I find myself gasping for air.

I’m in a season of life where I am shifting my priorities to be in right order because when these priorities are ordered in a godly way, many things will not be such a stumbling block to me.  I don’t live in the delusion that life will be easier, because I know that to be far from the truth, but “I” won’t be standing in the way of “me.”  I know that doesn’t make sense to many, or maybe it does, but it makes complete sense in my head.  I am working to realize and change the things in my life that make me my own worst enemy.  My thoughts on the process? Self discovery is for the birds.  A necessary evil.  I am tired of living with the blinders on, so I keep moving forward…however slow that may seem at some moments.

Onto happier things, I’m not going to dwell in my own pity party–at least not today.

Last Monday, I officially hit my 50-lb weight loss mark.  I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t make me really proud and a little teary eyed to have persevered to this point.  Journey’s still not over, there’s a long way to go, but this is definitely a big benchmark of progress.

I’ve had to accept the fact that my body is shrinking…in very strange ways.  Wouldn’t it be nice when you lost weight, if you lost it proportionally throughout your body?  I’m down two shirt number sizes (uniform shirt sizes at that, which in the world of unconventional sizing, this is a big deal).  I believe I’m officially down a pants size now too.  My jeans are baggy throughout and the waist is so large now that they are sitting inappropriately low on my hips, so I need to suck up the self confidence, dig out the next size smaller from the depths of my clothing collection, and try them on.  It would be nice if that’s the case, because I have a much better selection of summer appropriate clothing at the next size level.  I also fit into some smaller articles of clothing that have been a huge boost to my feelings about how I look because they are more “normal” than “super fat girl” sized…c’mon, you know you’re a little vain too…

We joined a different gym this past week that is more geared to our fitness goals and a benefit of membership is meeting with a personal trainer to set up a customized exercise plan tailored to my goals.  I’m excited/nervous to meet with the trainer on Friday.  Excited, because I want to have a solid plan of action knowing that I’m doing the right things to maximize fat burning vs. strength training (which I’ve been able to add for a few weeks now that my back has progressed in healing) for me specifically–everyone’s different, and one person’s plan isn’t necessarily going to benefit another person.  Nervous, because I hope this is someone that is going to listen to me, my personal goals, my concerns, and understand where I’m coming from.  Yes, I’m a fat chick…but at the same time, I have specific fitness goals and am likely more capable of doing some things than the first impression that some may have (fat doesn’t equal immobile!).  And fat doesn’t equal ignorant either, I’ve got a bit of knowledge behind me too.  This isn’t my first rodeo.  I know what I can and can’t do right now, and what I’m capable of doing as time and strength move forward.

I’ve taken some action in some other areas too that are a direct benefit to me emotionally and spiritually, but because of their nature, it’s not really open forum discussion.  I’m excited for the things that are on the horizon.  Things are exploding for me right now, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for so many, many things.

I wish I could make a checklist of changes to chronicle how positively things have happened in such a short time over the last several months, really over the last year since moving here.  There’s some things, like numerical weight loss, that can be measured in such a way…but there’s a lot of other things that are happening too that aren’t quite as easy to put the measuring stick up to.  To sum it up, the best, and really only thing I can say is: It is well with my soul.

Praise the Lord!

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