Sigh. I hate the moments that I find myself beating my head against the wall. Discontent is not a good look for me.
I have found myself really meditating on the scripture lately that speaks of everything being permissible but not beneficial and putting it up against some of the things that I have involved myself in over the last several months. I’m starting to see that some of the things I am doing for the sake of bettering myself are actually having the opposite effect because of the real estate in my mind they take up as stumbling blocks come along.
I need to take some of these stumbling block events and act…as a sign to get out of dodge. But I waffle (oohhh…waffles sound good!). I left one program completely, one, because my husband and I were only attending to help support others that felt they needed this program and the others flaked out, and two, as a program for me, it’s not rigid enough in the areas that I need it to be. For me. It’s a great program for those that find benefit in it, everyone finds their own way to succeed–so I have no place to knock it. It’s just not for me, and that’s okay.
There’s another group that I just can’t come to grips one way or another. I have met some wonderful people that I don’t want to fall out of fellowship with because I know that I need fellowship of people with a like mind, and the primary purpose of the group meets a need that I am seeking to meet…but at the same time, there’s some half truths that get thrown around that I don’t agree with and feel like in some situations that I have had to compromise my personal faith as to not offend others or to make them more comfortable. I know we have to meet each other halfway in any group situation and agree to disagree sometimes, but keeping my mouth shut for the sake of group unity seems to only be eating away at me, giving me a bad attitude, and knowing that if I was to address the concerns that I have, it would unfortunately affect me in greater ways than just being a pariah in the group. Rock, hard place, me. I just keep praying on this one and hoping God will show me the next right action, because I’m not ready to take an action in either direction of my own will at this point, and in the meantime just praying for the serenity to let go of the things that are eating away at my heart and not overreact. Maybe this is just a season where God is showing me to persevere and stay the course through something that makes me uncomfortable?
But, hindrances aside…I have found a mental respite in a safe and comfortable place that has the rigidity to keep me on track and the parameters that I can live within to express myself and not become a stumbling block to anyone else, because they have the same freedom of expression too. It’s a group that’s provided me with great freedom and growth in previous physical locations and experiences. I like the challenge of learning from people who are not necessarily of the same mindset of me and have most certainly traveled a different path than me, but that we have a common goal.
I wish there was one answer for everyone on how to get where they want to be. But that’s not reality. We meet people where they are at and everyone has to pave their own way to get where they want to be. What I’m doing isn’t necessarily right for someone else, and it doesn’t have to be, but it does have to be right for me. Will it change, morph, grow, and be different in the future? Probably. I just have to trust God to order my steps and lead the way.
I think that mental transformation is the hardest facet of this journey for me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again until the day I die, my head is a scary place to be. There’s a lot of demons to be tamed, lies and habits to be broken, and wrong thinking to be corrected. I would love to have the ability to have a one-stop-shop to transform my mind, but such a place doesn’t exist. I have to use my relationship with God, accountability from other people and places and programs, and personal discipline to change the trash to treasure that resides in my head. It’s work, hard work…but worth every second of effort, and sometimes strife, along the way.
In other news…
My session with the personal trainer was great. I wish it was financially feasible to continue to work with this guy because he totally listened to me, understood where I was coming from, and then threw every challenge out the window. He kicked my rear, hardcore. He had me doing things that I didn’t think I was physically strong enough or fast enough to do. I feel a little stupid that it makes me teary eyed that a personal training session has had so much impact on me, but it has definitely stoked the fires of my ability to challenge myself to go further and work harder. Nothing can stand in my way. It’s not a total moot point yet, there might be some options out there to work with this trainer, but it’s way out of my hands. Again, it’s another source of accountability and I think could be beneficial to me for a time.
Registration opens for the 5K I want to enter tomorrow…I’m excited. It’s a really cool feeling to have a goal so close to my grasp. Again, the teary eyes when I think about the feeling I will have crossing that finish line in September. Amazing.
I could honestly sit here and envision my goals and dreams all day, with the honest knowledge that I will have those things come to pass in my life…but it’s time to get back to reality. Be blessed today.