Stephanie Under Construction Blog

I’m struggling.  I’ve got something eating away at my peace and if something doesn’t change, I know it will result in me physically eating over the situation in a spirit of discontent–and let’s just say, I’m not about to let that happen.  I’ve come too far to allow myself to damage myself in that manner.

I participate in several group settings and such that I don’t often share about publically because of their personal nature, because, well, ya’ll don’t need every detail of my life.  One of these situations is really weighing on me heavily and even through prayer up to this point, I haven’t been able to settle on a decision on how to move forward.

I am not happy with the secrecy and interrupted curriculum with this group that gathers–I love this group, the fellowship is so good for my soul, but I also hold firm to the standard that any group should have an ultimate purpose and be striving toward that goal in a calculated, organized manner with clear, measurable outcomes in mind.  Otherwise it’s just people getting together for coffee.  I organize my schedule and the things that I need to get done around this and other events each week, because I feel it’s important…but I keep coming back to the idea that everything is permissible but not beneficial.  Which in a way is ironic, because that’s a theme that keeps coming back in the discussion in this group.

I have wanted to have an honest discussion with the leadership of this group about my feelings, but just the defensiveness that comes when I ask a simple question of the leader leads me to believe that sharing my heart, feelings, and observations won’t be met with grace because of what I (indirectly) represent in this case–a reminder of past negative experience.  I know it’s “taking someone else’s inventory,” but I am pretty confident that it’s not me in this situation–it’s control, pride, and insecurity.  I see a lot of gaps in truth and ways that these “truths” have been justified into reality and it honestly hurts my heart.  It’s not my job to convict someone that the lies they have come to believe in their own life are not acceptable to showcase as godly change.  Nothing of God should have to be forced…and being a pretty introspective and observant person, it really sends the warning bells off when I see so much effort being put into the exclamation of “look what God has/is doing.”  I’m not saying I’m right or wrong–that’s most certainly not my place–but any leader worth their salt should be willing to listen to the thoughts and feelings of others, regardless if they choose to act on it or not.

I just don’t know what to do.  I know speaking up is going to cause a rift and reflect back as something defective in me because this isn’t my first rodeo and I know how this plays out, but if I don’t speak up and go with the status quo, I’ll just be spinning my wheels and remain frustrated and resentful at the situation.  Do I do what I know is best for me and be damned, or what is (seemingly) best for the serenity of the group and not rock the boat?

I feel so lost in this case, and I’m frustrated that I don’t have a clear answer from God on how to proceed.  I don’t want to make any hasty action that will hurt any other person, place, or thing, so I’ve decided to commit to 30 days in prayer over this situation asking God for wisdom in these areas:

• To expose anything in me that is causing hindrance to this group and what I need to change in me
• To pray unabashedly for the leader of this group that God would make clear His will for the group
• For the Holy Spirit to convict and change the hearts (including mine) that may need some tweaking surrounding this situation
• The words to say that speak truth in love if there comes a time where I need to say something

I know at cursory glance this all seems like a lot of to-do over something that I could simply say, if you don’t like it, just walk away.  It’s not that easy.  When my mind is so invested to this point, and there’s a few other moving parts to this story that I haven’t shared publically, it isn’t something to just give up and that’s the end of it.  It will do no service to me and no service to the whole.  I really, really, really hate these feelings of being stuck and lost without a clear path forward.  I’m honestly dying to see what God is trying to teach me in this mess.  As always, more shall be revealed.  Won’t you pray with me?

“I had to get honest enough to admit that I relied on food more than I relied on God.  I craved food more than I craved God.  Chocolate was my comfort and deliverer.  Cookies were my reward.  Salty chips were my joy.  Food was what I turned to in times of stress and sadness…even in times of happiness.  I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control.  Really surrender.  Surrender to the point where I’d make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health–perhaps even more than my physical health.  Part of my surrender was asking myself a really raw question.  May I ask you this same question? Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?” (Made to Crave Devotional, Lysa TerKeurst, page 107)

Yes.

The honest answer is unequivocally yes.

I have loved food more than I have loved God.  And that is an extremely humbling admission to make.  I have washed out all of the work of God in my life and placed food on a pedestal.  Happy, sad, mad, glad? Let’s eat.  Bored, frustrated, procrastinating, celebrating? Let’s check the fridge.

Does this have to remain the case? No.  Does it still happen? Not going to lie–occasionally.

So what has changed?

I had a pretty brutal wake up call from God through the voice of the Holy Spirit.  I think I mentioned this before, but when listening to God speak, I don’t necessarily have an audible conversation coming back at me–but there have been three times in my life where I have unmistakably heard the voice of God, the third being on January 23 while sitting at this very desk in my office throwing myself another pity party on how miserable I was, how hard it is to lose weight, and my general unhappiness with the world.

I don’t know a lot of things in life, but I am learning this: I am made for victory.

Does that mean every day will be sunshine and roses? Nope (thank goodness, I thought I was doing it wrong!).  What it does mean is that I have had to take a hard look inside myself and see the muck and the mire that has built up around my heart.  Have I been a terrible person?  Of course not!  I have lived a “good” life–trying to be “good” to please God and share Jesus with others.  Admirable things–but going about it all the wrong way.  In my selfish pursuit of being a good Christian, of being a good pastor, I have let my own walk with God suffer.  I needed to be shown that in a very real way.  I needed to be reminded that it’s not about the things I do or the personal victories I have that show the way to Christ, it is by living in a deep, intimate, and honest relationship with God that people will see Christ in me.  By living what I thought was a “good” life, I was blinded by the very clear sin in my life of compulsive eating and negative self abuse that had become two idols that got a whole lot more worship than God ever did.

I didn’t believe it at first, that I am made for victory.  Truth be told, I didn’t think I was worth it.  Even more honesty, I still struggle with that idea on a daily, even momentary basis.  I first had to acknowledge this sin of idolatry in my life, to understand the grasp that it held over me and the separation from God that it caused me.  I had to ask God for forgiveness.  Forgiveness in a lot of ways and for a lot of different things–and I’m not going to drag out that list–but I had to open myself up to the point of sheer rawness, exposing all I had done to myself to damage God’s creation.  I had to accept God’s forgiveness.  That’s a tough one, because my sin tells me I’m unworthy of God’s forgiveness.  I had to learn to tell Satan’s schemes in my mind to take a hike and constantly reiterate the basic fact that I am forgiven of my sin.

But the story doesn’t end there.

No action comes without positive or negative consequence.  I have to clean up the wreckage of my past.  Yes, I am absolutely and undoubtedly forgiven of my sin, but something has to change so I don’t fall back into the same sin again.  I’m not immune.  And that’s where we’re at today…almost eight months into this journey.  I’ve made a lot of radical changes in my pursuit of a deeper relationship with God.  I have worked to change my lifestyle, my eating habits, my sedentary ways, my negative self talk, and my spiritual disciplines to be meaningful and not rote.  I’ve had a lot of success.  Is my work done?  No.  It will remain a lifetime of work pursuing God and His will for my life.  However, that truth–I am made for victory–is a motivator, an encouragement, a consoling promise, and a truth to stand on when I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels some days.

This journey isn’t about diet, exercise, self improvement–all things I engage in to better my holistic health–it is doing what is right and pleasing in God’s sight.  My goals aren’t aligned to “beat” another person or gain any type of acclaim.  My sole goal is to claim the victory that is promised me through Christ and enjoy the peace and joy in my soul that is so unimaginably amazing that I never have even had concept of before.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One breath at a time.  I simply wait in awe of what God’s going to do next–because He’s already surpassed my wildest dreams.  Talk about living life in new territory!  But that’s another topic for another day…

I completed my first 5k this last weekend, which of course makes me an expert now on all things walking/running.

First, I have to again give all the glory to God.  I did not complete this goal of my own strength, I am painfully aware of this fact.  I am in flabbergasted awe when I look back over the last eight months and see God’s hand on this journey.  It doesn’t even seem real when I look back at the way I looked, and even more so, the way that I felt, just a short time ago.  You can’t tell me that my God isn’t faithful to those that are faithful to Him and His will.  There’s still a long way to go, but I know I have the stamina, drive, and most importantly, faith, to stay the course.

So, here’s a few tips that I picked up from this experience:

• Color runs are massively fun.  I loved the cheering and encouragement from the color station volunteers throughout the course, it put the smile back on my face when it was waning.  Except for the kid that shot color right into my face–colored cornstarch doesn’t taste good, and gums up immediately in your mouth.  He was still cute though.
• Guess what? September is still hot in Arizona.  I seem to have blanked out that we live on the face of the sun when I set the goal to do this race…it was HOT.
• Music is necessary.  I did not realize what a huge part my playlists play in pace setting.  It was very difficult and distracting without my tunes.  Even though my amazing husband kept pace with me the whole time (which I know was excruciatingly slow for him) so I had someone to talk to, it wasn’t the same.  My speed definitely suffered.
• Get out in the first couple of heats before the strollers.  I love that this was a family event, but it is hard to navigate around some of these land yachts that carry the kiddos!
• Know your course.  We had never walked this route before.  Didn’t know about the uneven parking lots or the sand trails we would have to plow through.  It was confusing because there were a couple volunteers to direct the way, but not enough…we felt lost a few times.  This had a big impact on time, which I knew by the end of the first mile that I wasn’t going to care what the final time was anymore.
• Take care of your feet!  I had wrapped my feet in such a way for flat walking, not anticipating the off-road sand trails (where I tend to walk more on the sides of my feet).  I busted my feet up royally–enough to warrant a visit to the doctor this afternoon because I’m concerned how torn up they are. This was my poor feet yesterday, all bandaged to keep the wounds clean and dry until I get them checked out.  Thankfully, my feet aren’t in pain.

• Mantras work.  While I knew I could complete this distance because I’ve done it before, it is longer than my average daily workout.  I found my energy in the toilet about 2/3 through.  I wanted to take a couple shortcuts and give up, but I would not allow failure.  I worked too hard for this.  I kept repeating to myself, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  Must’ve said it at least a thousand times, if not more.  It kept me going to the end.
• Watch out for the blue color.  Soap, water, loofah, rubbing alcohol, and acetone are no match.  Two days later, I still have a blue armpit.  Which I suppose I shouldn’t whine about, because my husband still has an entirely blue torso.
• Just do it!  Go and have fun.  I’m already planning to register for next year!

So, all in all–excellent experience.  I proved to myself that my body is far more capable of what my mind believes it can do.  I look forward to next year to note even greater improvement in my stamina and speed.  This was a great boost in my overall morale to reach a goal that seemed to be so far away when I set it months ago.

I’ve mentioned this quote before in a blog post, but I’m going to mention it again:

“It is so tempting to give in.  Set things in reverse.  Pretend it won’t matter.  But it does matter and not just for the physical or mental setback.  It’s the denial of a fundamental spiritual truth that will make a healthy eating plan fall apart time and time again.  What is this truth? We were made for more than this.  More than this failure, more than this cycle, more than being ruled by taste buds.  We were made for victory.  Sometimes we just have to find our way to that truth.” (Made to Crave, Lysa TerKeurst, page 49)

My foot is no where near the reverse pedal.  Victory over my negative mental self abuse, my sinful eating habits, my sedentary lifestyle, my lukewarm spiritual condition are all possible.  I have concrete evidence of this fact.  I am a child of God, made in His image, and have purpose in life according to His will for me.  And that’s the truth.

Brutal honesty here: I hate my body.  I have always hated my body.  There are attributes of my character that I can appreciate, but I have never had a positive shred of confidence toward my physical appearance.  I have tried to hide my body in shame, often not feeling comfortable in my own skin.  My most hated part–my arms.  It has only been in recent years, and out of necessity by living on the face of the sun, that I have acquiesced to wearing sleeveless tops and tanks.

This is how I know that I am changing mentally–I may not be happy about my physical appearance, and that’s okay–but I am learning to appreciate the work in progress that it is and everything that my body does for me.  It sustains me, carries me, gets me through the day, and a whole host of things.  You have to have a physical body, you might as well not abuse it.

I don’t like looking at myself in mirrors or pictures, because it just triggers a lot of negative thinking and once that can is open, it goes full force into self abuse.  Yesterday was “arm day” at the gym and unfortunately all of those exercises using assisted strength training face mirrors.  I spent what felt like an eternity doing a grueling workout with my gaze fixated on my most hated body part.  But you know what, the negativity and self abuse weren’t there.

I looked at my arms, and yes, first listed all the flaws–the flab, my “bat wings,” my lack of strength.  But as I kept going, I started to see good things–a little bit of definition in my muscle that wasn’t there before, the looseness caused by a need for toning exercise and not excess fat, a distinct difference in the composition of my arms that I hadn’t seen before.  Dare I say, I was even a little proud of how my arms looked and could imagine what they will look like with continued progress.

Some of you may be thinking that is a lot of thought process for a glance in the mirror, but others of you understand that this revelation is huge strides in a positive direction.  I’m excited.  I’m grateful.  I’m blessed.  I am praising God for helping me to see with my physical eyes something positive about His creation that I have been filled with so much hatred against for so long.

So, for today, I’m learning to love myself.  Imperfections and all.

I have this beautiful silver and leather bracelet that was given to me a few years ago by someone that was helping me through what I will only ever chose to remember as my “darkest night of the soul.”  The bracelet brand is significant and supports an awareness organization that will now forever be close to my heart because I’ve been through the worst of it and come out on the other side, even though some of the after effects will be a part of me for the rest of my life.  Engraved on this beautiful and simple bracelet are just the words “be brave.”

I found this bracelet yesterday as I was digging through a basket looking for my watch.  I haven’t worn my watch in probably over 2 years because it had been too tight and I was too cheap to order extra links for the band.  I don’t know what possessed me to look for it yesterday, but I found it, and it fits again. So, I immediately went to the jewelry store to get a new battery put into it.  Yay! Another non-scale victory!

But, I do have a scale victory too–it would appear that in just five days of medicating my metabolic disorder properly that I have busted through my weight loss plateau, losing five pounds in those days.  I know weight loss like that is just initial, that it will not keep up at that rate, but it shows as an indicator to me that my doctor and I have made the right choice in looking at this avenue of treatment.

Anyway, back to my point….

Bravery.  Standing in the face of your fears and kicking them in the teeth.  There’s a lot of people that won’t or can’t understand that a journey of personal development such as mine requires bravery.  That’s okay.  It’s my journey, not theirs (and seriously, I’ve got to find another word than journey–it sounds so trite to me).  I am working on changing my body, mind, and spirit in ways that it has never seen or felt.  I am changing my mind to think in healthy ways that it has never thought before.  I am changing my physical body to reach a point of healthy weight that it has never seen in my adult life.  I am experiencing my personal relationship with God on a deeper and more intimate level than I have ever deemed possible.  These are all new things, they are scary things.  But I can be brave.

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.  (Isaiah 41:10)

Be brave today in whatever you face.  You are worth fighting for.

I’m going to whine a little bit this morning…you’ve been warned.

I feel awful.  Last night I started a new medication to help along living in a “grey area” of life for a little while.  Tests are a bit subjective for a firm diagnosis of a potential metabolic disorder but all signs point to “yes”, and a couple areas can use a little help to come into “normal range” by such a small margin of elevation that good nutrition and exercise alone don’t seem to be having an initial effect on.  Other than a daily allergy medication and occasional migraine medications, I haven’t taken regular medication in quite awhile.  So, starting something new is taking a quick toll on me–within an hour of the first dose, I already had a headache, and this morning the headache continues and my stomach is not a happy place.  I know with this particular medication, the first few days can be an adjustment because my husband takes a form of it, but still…I want to crawl in bed and die at the moment instead of being a functional member of society.

I have to say–I’m okay with the idea of taking medication for a time because it serves a legitimate purpose, I understand its benefits to my health and am not offended by it.  That said, I am beyond angry and hurt at the tests that show an indication of the need for help that a medication can provide.  I don’t want to admit when I need help, that I can’t do it alone.

When my blood panel results were posted to my patient account last week, my heart sunk.  I literally came home, cried, and threw my own personal pity party.  I was angry and hurt that I couldn’t control something through good nutrition and exercise.  Isn’t losing weight supposed to cure every ailment?  That’s always been every doctor’s pat answer for everything in life–sore throat? Lose weight.  Allergic reaction? Lose weight.  Splinter? Lose weight.  Bee sting? Lose weight.

Reality is, good nutrition and exercise are absolutely and indisputably important for good overall health, but some things sometimes just need a little extra help.  That is okay.  I have to be okay with the idea that I can’t control everything in my life, but trust in other people and things to help the areas that I can’t help on my own.

I have such a propensity to be harder on myself than I need to be.  I looked at these numbers as more than information–I tried to use it to measure my worth instead of looking at it as a snapshot in time of information to guide my path.  I had to reel myself in yesterday when meeting with the doctor–her level of concern was far less than the level of insanity I had worked myself into over the last week.  I am happy to have this provider that listened to me, my feelings, my tears, and my insanity and helped to make a plan to watch and work myself out of this “grey area” so I don’t have to have a (needless) concern that really isn’t important in the grand scheme of life and my health.  I am grateful for perspective.  I am relieved to now see the reality of someone smarter than me does not have a genuine concern that matches my level of crazy that I elevated a simple situation to.

This is why accountability in many different ways is important to my journey.  I have so many different types of people lifting me up and keeping tabs on me, that I cannot fail.  I have people that can talk me off the cliffs that I manage to put myself on and give me a good reality check when necessary.  It is done in love and with concern for me and my ultimate goal–to honor God’s creation.

…and the well-meaning nurse wanted to “round down” the numbers on my weight again yesterday.  I told her, “no way!” I was proud of the six pounds I lost over the three weeks since my last visit–I want brutal honesty in that recorded information so I can look back one day and see the concrete facts of how far I have come.

So, for today, other than my extreme desire for my pillow and a nap, I move forward with my toolkit and endless resources to continue to becoming the best person I can be.  Thank you Lord for placing me in such a time as this.

Going be honest here–the last few weeks have been pretty stinky.  I hit the proverbial wall and didn’t really want to try anymore–I was eating (mostly) okay and (sort of) exercising, but not taking care of myself the way that I have been.  Burnout inevitably comes when we’re going full steam ahead and not incorporating lifestyle changes into your life in a reasonable way.  I know this, yet I let myself get to that point.  I thankfully haven’t gained any weight in this period of discontent, but I easily could have.

I had to spend an overnight in Las Vegas last week because I couldn’t get my specialist appointments on the same day because of their surgery schedules, so I used a free hotel night we’ve wracked up to stay in town while hubby held down the fort at home.  I used this time as my own personal retreat.  I packed all of my own foods so I wouldn’t have to leave the hotel, and took that time to spend on me.  I rested (like dropped for a several hour nap the moment I checked in), exercised, spent some time with some of my personal development/behavior modification work that I’m doing, and just took time to think and breathe.

I came to the realization that I’m pushing myself to change overnight, when I know that is not possible.  I have been engaging in excessive exercise to try and lose weight faster, but that is only providing more rest days than moderate, reasonable exercise because I’m pushing my limits too far.  I am piling too much pressure on myself to be where I want to be and not be content with where I am now, which is night and day from where I was when I started.  I’m beating myself up over a lot of things that are beyond my realm of control.

So…where do I go from here?

Slow down, take a deep breath.  Small steps forward.

This week has gone light years better than the last 2-3.  I have really tightened up my nutrition and food choices, really taking the time to think through decisions and not allowing myself to make any justifications on why I “deserve” something that I really don’t need to be ingesting.  I have ramped down my exercise to a more reasonable, yet still beneficial, level, and will slowly reincorporate some other things into my workout routine over the next several weeks to find a good medium of challenging but not damaging to my body or psyche.

Here’s my twisted thinking–I thought by doing these things and taking care of myself that I was somehow “failing” myself by cutting myself some slack and fitting living life back into a healthy lifestyle.  How messed up is that?  Even though I’ve had to do battle with my diseased mind, I am grateful that I have stuck to my guns on these changes this week, because by incorporating these changes, I’m on par to bust the plateau that I’ve been sitting on weight-wise for the last month or so by the end of this week when I weigh-in.

Patience.  It really is a virtue. It’s one I don’t have.  I know improving myself is a long-time, gradual, lifetime journey.  It’s making my mind understand that sometimes that is the hard part.  I get so trapped in the moment that it is so hard to me to look at the big picture.  I have to physically stop myself and focus on where I started at–so broken and miserable, barely able to move in the prison of my own making in my body to where I am today in just a relatively short time.  I am healthier, far happier, and don’t have the same doom and gloom aura about myself.  It will only get better from here as long as I continue to rely on God and not my own mind.  I haven’t made it this far alone and of my own will.  God has led me, cheered me, inspired me, encouraged me, and even dragged me by the hand kicking and screaming.

As much as I want the changes in my life to be a perfectly sloping graph, that’s not reality.  It’s full of peaks and valleys and plateaus and that has to be okay–because it’s not going to cease being that way just because of what I want.  I have yet to find someone who has found the journey to bettering themselves mind, body, and soul to be one of ease.  So, it’s clutching to the roller coaster of life for me, not knowing the next climb or drop–but confident that I will make it through because I’ve made the choice to be on the ride.

I used to have severe fears of doctors, shots, dentists, anything medical related because of the “tortures” I experienced as a small child dealing with horrible allergies–pokes, proddings, tests, doctors, ugh!  It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized things like physicals, regular teeth cleanings, and the like were essential to “being a grown up” and taking responsibility for myself.  The fears never went away, but I somehow found the gumption to pull up my big girl panties and endure the torture.  Plus, I love a good deal–and if my health insurance is paying for preventative care, there must be good reason for it, and who am I to pass up something free or close to it?

Surgeries for my gallbladder, sinuses, and tonsils have helped to alleviate a lot of my fears over the last decade or so by being immersed in medical care.  I no longer cry at the sight of a needle, but I do still get queasy and lightheaded from a blood draw–that’s life.  But I view medical and dental care in very different ways now–I look at it as an essential to proper self care.

I fight for good medical care.  I will not accept mediocrity.  I am worth more than a pill mill.  I want providers that take the time to listen, that get to know me, that understand my goals for my own health, and will help me achieve them.  Unfortunately, this insistence on quality usually has a lot of letdowns before gold is struck.  It is tiresome, frustrating, and usually involves a fight–but aren’t you worth fighting for?  This is why I don’t bat an eye to travel hours away to see the right people.  When we moved here last year, we found an amazing dentist right away, but had to wait for a local primary care doctor.  My husband went first and waited five months for his appointment and was impressed with the doctor (which never happens).  About the time I started to get serious about my wellness this year, I figured it was time to bite the bullet and get an annual physical, so I called and had to wait six months to see this doctor–whom I finally saw yesterday.  While it pushed out the time for my annual physical, it was worth the wait.  I went in with two pages of discussion points, questions, tests I would like run, and concerns and not one line was overlooked.  She took the time to not walk in the room with assumptions about me based on paperwork, but gave me the opportunity to share about myself, where I’ve come from, and where I’m going with my wellness goals.  I felt valued as a person who is in charge of their own health.  Let me tell you, if you’ve never felt this way–you’re with the wrong provider.

So, the takeaway yesterday was confirmation that I am doing the things I need to be doing in all areas (physically, emotionally, and spiritually–as all were included in the discussion) to be as healthy as possible.  Can my health improve?  Of course it can.  Am I unhealthy? No.  Am I in danger of any detrimental health conditions at this time?  Nope.  Does the doctor have any immediate concerns regarding my health that are being neglected and need to be addressed? None.  There’s a few things that I needed the doctor to push through to help me–order an updated titration study to adjust the settings on my biPAP machine because I’m different than I was starting it 3 years ago and I’ve been more fatigued than normal lately, order some tests to confirm what we both (the doctor and I) believe to be a metabolic disorder–which is either here nor there, just something to confirm and acknowledge its existence, and prescribe my allergy medications so I can be a functional member of society because unfortunately no one has yet cured severe environmental allergies.  The doctor serves as another source of accountability too.  Numbers and tests don’t lie and can’t be justified–they are a benchmark of health based on healthy living.  I like measuring sticks.

I also found out something cool–I’m taller than I thought I was!  I made them measure twice!  I’ve always believed I’m 5’8″, turns out I’m 5’10.”  This is good news because it changes the figures of my BMI.  The BMI measurement is quite subjective and not really a reliable scientific measurement, but does have some merit–but this calculation change puts me quite close to my goal of moving down an obesity category, and that makes me very excited–because who in the world wants to be known as “super morbidly obese”?  Seriously, can we rename these categories?

But there’s something no medical textbook can ever teach or treat–how I feel.

I have joy.  Happy is an emotion, and I feel more of that as of late–but I honestly can see and recognize joy in my soul.  My ultimate and sole goal is to honor God’s creation that He has entrusted to me.  This came at the realization of the sinful way I was treating my being, the humility it took to ask for forgiveness, and the power of God’s Holy Spirit within me to do the footwork to clear the wreckage of my past.  I am a work in progress.  I will always be a work in progress.  My outside doesn’t yet reflect the inside, and that’s okay.  Plus, the inside still needs more work too.  It’s cyclical and everlasting effort, but not without its godly rewards.  I have joy.  I have peace.

Don’t get me wrong though–it’s not all sunshine and roses.  I still have stress, frustration, anger, jealousy, and a whole host of other emotions that I deal with on a daily basis.  That’s real life.  But I look at the bigger picture and can smile, because thank God I’m not the one in the driver’s seat–I’m just me, doing what has been laid on the path before me in order to glorify God and not fighting it, doing what I think is best in my own humanness.  And for today, that’s enough.

So for the last week (through today), I have engaged in a Facebook fast.  Nothing glamorous or spectacular, just felt I needed to step back and take a break from the world of social media for a little while.  Full disclosure: I did sign on for less than two minutes each day to check messages regarding some items I had listed on some “for sale” pages, but did not engage on FB otherwise–including the sharing of this blog post, which is done from my blog platform.  Through the week though, I have found that there are pros and cons (yes, there are cons) of cutting the FB cord.  For Me.

Pros:

• I was more efficient on finishing projects and such over the week because I was taking less little breaks along the way
• My concentration was more intense (this was also a con because I was spending too much laser-focused time on some things when I needed to step away and take a breath)
• I read more books than usual
• After the initial withdrawals (the first day was obnoxiously hard to not go on autopilot and pick up my phone to scroll my newsfeed), I found myself more relaxed and introspective
• My phone battery would last a full day without any additional charging

Cons:

• I lost a lot of motivation and inspiration that I have come to depend on through my FB interactions.  I have over 100 pages that I “follow” in order to have my newsfeed flooded with positive and affirming messages that spur on my wellness journey.  I had a pretty blah and negative attitude the whole week
• I made a few poor food choices because of my lack of tools that I had at the ready to distract myself when food temptations came along.  I couldn’t just scroll the newsfeed and let the temptation pass (this is a pro too because I learned that I need to build up my arsenal of coping strategies when temptation comes)
• I was not as accountable for my actions.  I have made the personal choice that FB is one of my avenues of accountability, using specific pages and people that I connect with to keep me on track and call me out on my bull.  I made a lot of justifications this week that easily could have been avoided had I beefed up my other external forms of accountability to make up for not having the avenue of FB at my disposal.
• I filled some idle time with other useless activities like playing Phase 10 on my kindle and using Pinterest more

All in all, I call the experience useful.  I learned a few things about myself and a few things that I need to work on beyond the computer/phone screen.  I started a couple of routines that took the place of using FB at a specific time that I plan to continue to employ because there’s value in them.  I’m not going to be deleting myself from the social media world anytime soon, because I do see the benefits that I receive from my interactions on FB and the accountability for working towards my goals that it provides.  I think now I can see a more balanced usage, and not have it be my knee-jerk reaction for times of idleness.   At the same time, it seals my firm resolve you won’t see me tweeting anytime soon because I can see how that would become a ridiculous obsession.

So, there you have it.  Just one more day disconnected, time to pick myself up and dust off from an overall crummy week.  Facebook world, I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.  I look forward to catching up.

I’m reading a really good book written by the doctors and scientists behind my current plan of eating that debunks the top 10 “diet” myths that people have.  Some of it is commonsense that some of these things aren’t true, but I love how it explains why these ideas aren’t true and gives the truth that is scientifically based.  Even with a scientific backing, I still hold unwavering to the idea that science, like many other things, is fluid and new discoveries are made everyday.  Nothing is written in stone.  You have to find what works for you and you alone, and be willing to make changes when change is warranted.

I was reading a chapter last night that debunked the idea that lasting, long term, weight loss is not a reality.  The myth quoted some pretty grim university studies with awful statistics that would make anyone walk away from a weight loss journey with a feeling of hopelessness.  The truth that the doctors and scientists shared was from a medical perspective and that there are actually national medical databases of thousands and thousands of cases that have had small and significant weight loss and have kept it off for life (I forget the name, but I even stopped reading and looked up this medical database–it exists!).  The medical professionals in the book went even further to explain the fault with the control/sample groups in the university studies and how it wasn’t a reflection of the mainstream population, etc.  They also explained the similar keys to success that those that have had lasting change have implemented in their lives.  Bottom line: others have done it, so can I. That’s hope.

I read another article last night from a running magazine about a 240lb woman that is an avid distance runner.  Part of the article touched on the cultural anomaly that this woman falls into, another part spoke of her successes and how she got to where she is today, but my favorite part addressed this idea that fit and fat are not mutually exclusive terms.  The article quoted doctors who said, yes, being a so-called “healthy” weight is ideal, but that someone who is physically active and still overweight is still doing things that are beneficial for their overall health.  Just like you can be skinny and unhealthy, it is possible to be fat and healthy.

Right there is where I see a slippery slope.

It would be easy to take that mindset and live in the idea that because one is healthy right now, that it’s okay to be overweight.  For some people, that might be a reality.  I don’t know, I’m not the one to determine what’s best for them.  All I know is what’s best for me.  I’m fat and I’m healthy.  Does that mean I shouldn’t lose weight?  Absolutely not.  I’m not stupid enough to ignore my genetic disposition for type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and high cholesterol.  I’m also not willing to ignore the medical studies that suggest obesity puts me at a higher risk for developing a whole host of medical ailments and diseases.  If I never lost another pound, would I be assured of developing these diseases?  Who knows.  I don’t have a crystal ball.

Is weight loss my primary goal?

Yes and no.

In my humanness, I would love to be a specific goal weight.  I would like to be smaller and feel better about my size.  I would like to be able to blend in a crowd better and not worry about sticking out because of my size.  There’s nothing wrong with those feelings–but I can tell you though that if those things were my primary motivation, I would miserably fail.  I have proven that with every single prior weight loss attempt.

I have several long term and short term goals that have an indirect application to weight loss.  Their conception was the result of a dramatic conviction of the Holy Spirit on January 23, 2015.  I’ve said it again and again, but I have come to a point where God has placed on my heart that I am not honoring Him with my body.  It’s not just my physical appearance.  It’s a body, mind, soul shift that needs to take place in order to be the reflection of Christ that I have been created to be.  My efforts center around this idea.  I have the firm belief that the lifestyle changes I am making and will continue to make in all parts of life to honor God’s creation will have the secondary effect of lasting physical change (weight loss).  It can seem like at times that I concentrate on the weight loss aspect of things, but let’s be honest–those are tangible indicators that I am making necessary healthy changes.  There’s a lot of other benchmarks that I can note too, but mental and spiritual change is not something at this point in time that I’m keen on publically sharing my struggles and changes in that area–but I will say, there is huge positive shift.

This brings me back full circle to the above mention of the book I was reading last night.  That medical database that has kept track of people with long term weight loss and found a list of key life changes among them that have enabled them to be successful–that list of 8 identified factors–immediately and directly correlate to my long term and short term life goals that I have set (really, to the point of it being creepy).

Coincidence? I think not.

I tarry on today in the confidence and assurance that what’s right for me right now is what’s right for me right now and will have impact on my overall goals.  Journey on, my friends–whatever that looks like for you.