Help in the Grey Areas

I’m going to whine a little bit this morning…you’ve been warned.

I feel awful.  Last night I started a new medication to help along living in a “grey area” of life for a little while.  Tests are a bit subjective for a firm diagnosis of a potential metabolic disorder but all signs point to “yes”, and a couple areas can use a little help to come into “normal range” by such a small margin of elevation that good nutrition and exercise alone don’t seem to be having an initial effect on.  Other than a daily allergy medication and occasional migraine medications, I haven’t taken regular medication in quite awhile.  So, starting something new is taking a quick toll on me–within an hour of the first dose, I already had a headache, and this morning the headache continues and my stomach is not a happy place.  I know with this particular medication, the first few days can be an adjustment because my husband takes a form of it, but still…I want to crawl in bed and die at the moment instead of being a functional member of society.

I have to say–I’m okay with the idea of taking medication for a time because it serves a legitimate purpose, I understand its benefits to my health and am not offended by it.  That said, I am beyond angry and hurt at the tests that show an indication of the need for help that a medication can provide.  I don’t want to admit when I need help, that I can’t do it alone.

When my blood panel results were posted to my patient account last week, my heart sunk.  I literally came home, cried, and threw my own personal pity party.  I was angry and hurt that I couldn’t control something through good nutrition and exercise.  Isn’t losing weight supposed to cure every ailment?  That’s always been every doctor’s pat answer for everything in life–sore throat? Lose weight.  Allergic reaction? Lose weight.  Splinter? Lose weight.  Bee sting? Lose weight.

Reality is, good nutrition and exercise are absolutely and indisputably important for good overall health, but some things sometimes just need a little extra help.  That is okay.  I have to be okay with the idea that I can’t control everything in my life, but trust in other people and things to help the areas that I can’t help on my own.

I have such a propensity to be harder on myself than I need to be.  I looked at these numbers as more than information–I tried to use it to measure my worth instead of looking at it as a snapshot in time of information to guide my path.  I had to reel myself in yesterday when meeting with the doctor–her level of concern was far less than the level of insanity I had worked myself into over the last week.  I am happy to have this provider that listened to me, my feelings, my tears, and my insanity and helped to make a plan to watch and work myself out of this “grey area” so I don’t have to have a (needless) concern that really isn’t important in the grand scheme of life and my health.  I am grateful for perspective.  I am relieved to now see the reality of someone smarter than me does not have a genuine concern that matches my level of crazy that I elevated a simple situation to.

This is why accountability in many different ways is important to my journey.  I have so many different types of people lifting me up and keeping tabs on me, that I cannot fail.  I have people that can talk me off the cliffs that I manage to put myself on and give me a good reality check when necessary.  It is done in love and with concern for me and my ultimate goal–to honor God’s creation.

…and the well-meaning nurse wanted to “round down” the numbers on my weight again yesterday.  I told her, “no way!” I was proud of the six pounds I lost over the three weeks since my last visit–I want brutal honesty in that recorded information so I can look back one day and see the concrete facts of how far I have come.

So, for today, other than my extreme desire for my pillow and a nap, I move forward with my toolkit and endless resources to continue to becoming the best person I can be.  Thank you Lord for placing me in such a time as this.

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