Rocks and Hard Places

I’m struggling.  I’ve got something eating away at my peace and if something doesn’t change, I know it will result in me physically eating over the situation in a spirit of discontent–and let’s just say, I’m not about to let that happen.  I’ve come too far to allow myself to damage myself in that manner.

I participate in several group settings and such that I don’t often share about publically because of their personal nature, because, well, ya’ll don’t need every detail of my life.  One of these situations is really weighing on me heavily and even through prayer up to this point, I haven’t been able to settle on a decision on how to move forward.

I am not happy with the secrecy and interrupted curriculum with this group that gathers–I love this group, the fellowship is so good for my soul, but I also hold firm to the standard that any group should have an ultimate purpose and be striving toward that goal in a calculated, organized manner with clear, measurable outcomes in mind.  Otherwise it’s just people getting together for coffee.  I organize my schedule and the things that I need to get done around this and other events each week, because I feel it’s important…but I keep coming back to the idea that everything is permissible but not beneficial.  Which in a way is ironic, because that’s a theme that keeps coming back in the discussion in this group.

I have wanted to have an honest discussion with the leadership of this group about my feelings, but just the defensiveness that comes when I ask a simple question of the leader leads me to believe that sharing my heart, feelings, and observations won’t be met with grace because of what I (indirectly) represent in this case–a reminder of past negative experience.  I know it’s “taking someone else’s inventory,” but I am pretty confident that it’s not me in this situation–it’s control, pride, and insecurity.  I see a lot of gaps in truth and ways that these “truths” have been justified into reality and it honestly hurts my heart.  It’s not my job to convict someone that the lies they have come to believe in their own life are not acceptable to showcase as godly change.  Nothing of God should have to be forced…and being a pretty introspective and observant person, it really sends the warning bells off when I see so much effort being put into the exclamation of “look what God has/is doing.”  I’m not saying I’m right or wrong–that’s most certainly not my place–but any leader worth their salt should be willing to listen to the thoughts and feelings of others, regardless if they choose to act on it or not.

I just don’t know what to do.  I know speaking up is going to cause a rift and reflect back as something defective in me because this isn’t my first rodeo and I know how this plays out, but if I don’t speak up and go with the status quo, I’ll just be spinning my wheels and remain frustrated and resentful at the situation.  Do I do what I know is best for me and be damned, or what is (seemingly) best for the serenity of the group and not rock the boat?

I feel so lost in this case, and I’m frustrated that I don’t have a clear answer from God on how to proceed.  I don’t want to make any hasty action that will hurt any other person, place, or thing, so I’ve decided to commit to 30 days in prayer over this situation asking God for wisdom in these areas:

• To expose anything in me that is causing hindrance to this group and what I need to change in me
• To pray unabashedly for the leader of this group that God would make clear His will for the group
• For the Holy Spirit to convict and change the hearts (including mine) that may need some tweaking surrounding this situation
• The words to say that speak truth in love if there comes a time where I need to say something

I know at cursory glance this all seems like a lot of to-do over something that I could simply say, if you don’t like it, just walk away.  It’s not that easy.  When my mind is so invested to this point, and there’s a few other moving parts to this story that I haven’t shared publically, it isn’t something to just give up and that’s the end of it.  It will do no service to me and no service to the whole.  I really, really, really hate these feelings of being stuck and lost without a clear path forward.  I’m honestly dying to see what God is trying to teach me in this mess.  As always, more shall be revealed.  Won’t you pray with me?