I’ve got to be honest. The last few days I’ve really been struggling. I can’t help but think how much easier it is to simply not care, as I have for so much of my life, which has gotten me to right where I’m at. All this work I’m putting in to better myself is just that…it’s work! I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little bit weary on the journey.
A few days ago, a story hit the national media that at first I didn’t pay attention to, thinking it was just tabloid smut, but as the information unfolded, the story grew, and many people are sitting with their chins on the ground asking a lot of questions. Other than a sunken feeling in my heart, I have had a really hard time reconciling this news story in my mind and heart. I honestly have no idea how to feel. This story unlocked one of the recesses of my mind that holds some pretty ugly stuff that I’ve had to process and deal with in recent years. I started to go to a scary place in my mind, a place that I thought after all the work I had done to heal from would not be so bad…but it’s still there, waiting to suck me back in. I won’t get sucked into it though. I won’t go back to that broken place where I could barely get out of bed because I was so consumed with everything surrounding the issue. I know better ways to deal with the feelings.
Problem was, I didn’t use those better ways. I ate more. I didn’t go off the deep end or anything into a full-fledged binge, but I ate more than I needed to. Shockingly, it didn’t make the bad feelings go away. It made me feel worse. Instead of just taking it as information that I needed to deal with feelings and not food, my mind went into “all or nothing” mode. Well, if I overate, then I might as well not go to physical therapy, because, you know, if I’m just going to balloon back up and keep gaining weight, then there is no point in healing my back. (I still went to PT) Then it was the same thoughts surrounding going to the gym. (I still went to the gym). Then it was beating myself up because I went more slowly than usual at the gym. I wanted to walk away from everything completely.
And I wonder why I grow weary? I can’t shut off my head! That’s why! I can’t just “be.” I can’t just take something small and leave it as it is, I have to blow it completely out of proportion and let myself be consumed by it. I am truly my own worst enemy.
I’m frustrated. I lose sight of God’s perfect will for me and get stuck on my own agenda. I look at the weight loss graphs and instead of seeing a perfect downhill slope, it looks like a staircase–losing, maintaining for a few weeks, losing some more. I start to research all of the things that I’m possibly doing wrong scientifically so that I can correct them. I let little setbacks become giant stumbling blocks in my path.
God didn’t allow me to come this far (and in the grand scheme of things, I’m not that far yet) to allow me to fail. It’s a reminder to come back to my first love. To rely solely on Him. He will guide me. He will comfort me. He will calm my anxious heart. He will show me the proper reaction to a situation–if I seek Him first. I have to come back to God, first and always. It’s a simple but sobering answer to all of my problems. There’s no quick fix, there’s no mathematical solution, there’s no timetable. There’s just God working in my life to get me to not rely on me for what I need. This is where faith steps in. I have to have faith in the things unseen, unknown, not proven to me. The only way I’m going to see the result of fully relying on God is leaning on the promise that I don’t have to have all the answers, that I’m not alone in this. It’s an interesting place to be.
So, for today, I’m trying to be a little bit gentler and understanding with myself. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s okay to be frustrated, and I am, but I know it won’t last forever. And I’m not quitting.