Two of my deepest, darkest secrets: I have zero self-image and people terrify me.
Honestly, if you heard my self-talk, you would likely question my salvation. I am horrible to myself in the things that I tell me about me. I set impossible standards that I would never be able to achieve. Then I beat myself up over it. This is something that I’m working on. I’m learning how to set achievable goals that I can actually meet. It’s still new to me. It’s a strange sensation still for me to meet a goal–that feeling of success, a good feeling, is taking some time to get used to.
And yes, I am the queen of introverts. People literally scare the crud out of me. Funny thing for a pastor to say, because people are my business. New situations, social gatherings, parties, large crowds, meeting new people–all strike severe anxiety in me. I have to force myself to be sociable. I’m a pretty good faker though, most people can’t tell I’m dying inside when trying to force myself to hold up my end of a conversation.
Coming out of my shell–and out of my warped head–is definitely a process. I notice lately that it is starting to get just a little bit easier. As I’m losing weight, I can honestly say that I’m slowly starting to feel better about myself. I’m still pretty hard on myself, but there are those moments once in a while that I feel pretty good.
Today I had one of those moments. I left a meeting and could physically tell that I was holding my head a little higher. I had carried on some pretty decent conversations with people, introduced myself to some new folks, and didn’t feel quite as socially inept as I usually do. Small moves in the right direction….
I’ve also been fairly productive in working on some of those attainable goals too. It’s a good feeling to see yourself getting things done. I’ve gotten some new projects started and I’m excited to see how they pan out. I love that in my work, some of the projects that we undertake not only help others, but are beneficial to my growth and spiritual walk as well. Definitely a win-win.
Im not saying that I’ll be all cupcakes and gumdrops to myself anytime soon, but in my journey to a better me, there’s definitely progress on all fronts.