I’ll be posting about my experience completing the half at the Ventura Marathon on 10/22 in another post soon (spoiler alert: AMAZING!), and I’ll be posting some links so some of my race reports on Race Everywhere regarding some other recent races as well once I fix a couple kinks, but I wanted to wrap up a few more thoughts that have been in process that came together for me in conjunction with some really powerful teaching we experienced at a conference that I was at right before departing for my racecation in CA.
So, per usual, the head games coming up to race day were running rampant. Between Salinas and Ventura, the running miles I logged were slim–of course, I fail to remember the fact that I had a stress fracture and was in the sexy, sexy boot, had status quo interrupted and was in the middle of a move that turned life upside-down in navigating new responsibilities, and, oh yeah, let’s not forget swimming and training for that “little” 40-mile bike event since it’s only been 4 months since I got the bike. Let’s just say the things I was telling myself about my abilities and capabilities the last month or so have not only been not remotely Christlike, they just plain haven’t been nice.
Despite what I was telling myself and the questions I was asking, I kept hearing the challenge to my beliefs. I was being told that not only could I handle the bike event and half in that time period, that both would be great. And they were. My head was telling me I didn’t have it handled, but others were…and I had to rely on their faith in me when mine in myself was short.
I’d have to look back at the dates, it was sometime around the time of WTC Kona, that I looked at some cumulative run miles over a period and said “how in the world am I supposed to run a half marathon when I haven’t logged x-number of miles in x-time period?” The response I received in return, per usual, referencing my trust issues, stuck in my mind–the run comes last [in triathlon] for a reason.
Now, if you want to see some amazing machines (the pros) and watch the human body be pushed to its absolute but incredible awe-inspiring limits (everyone else), watch an Ironman. It clearly takes a special kind of crazy to wake up one morning and swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles, and then finish off the day running 26.2 miles. And I want it–bad. I can see it, taste it, feel it–I KNOW it’s going to happen to such complete cocky confidence that it’s so flippin’ bizarre because I can’t connect my head to conquer the small. I have the capability to get there, and my abilities are growing more and more–when I look at the big picture and how goals logically progress, of course it’s going to happen for me. I’ll do it. But in the daily…inferiority, self, doubt, insecurity, lack of self confidence, and trust cause me to stumble from keeping my eyes fixed on the prize.
And that’s where the balance comes in, this holistic journey that I keep hammering back to–it’s not just physical health. I have spiritual and emotional/mental goals for making sure that I am living out God’s will and honoring His creation in my body. Trust is one of those goals that I think has its fingers that infiltrate into everything, and it’s not important why I have struggles with trust, but it’s a learning and relearning experience for me minute by minute it seems, usually in hindsight and by being proven wrong. That’s one of those places I’m thankful for friends and those around me that keep me accountable who aren’t afraid to tell me, “I told you so.” (Because they know how to tell me in a way that I’m not going to sock them for it, lol)
Trust partners a lot with fear, and that plays too into how I discount myself as well. Those “I told you so” conversations usually have some commentary that goes a little like this: “Yeah, you did it–better than you expected, which means, you could have done more.” This looks weird in writing, but that’s not a negative statement–it’s those that I have allowed to speak truth into my life telling me that I’ve discounted myself again. I placed a limit on myself because that’s how far I thought that I could go. I allow my misconceptions and the lies that I tell myself to cloud reality. I still see myself as the complacent woman on the couch–it’s still foreign to hear the word athlete and my name in the name sentence. There’s so much cognitive dissonance that rules my life.
But, goals. I’m working on it. There’s intentionality there. There’s things I do to work and change those thoughts and feelings that hold me back from my full potential of not only the person that God has created me to be and what He was willed for my life, but the awesome and amazing things that I dream for myself too. Am I going to hash out what that looks like here? Probably not, it’s not pretty, but if you want to know more what that might look like, let’s talk.
I’m not going to delve into the whole theme of the (mind-blowing) teaching at the conference we attended last week, but it’s given me a whole new rabbit hole to explore and a different construct in which to view this holistic journey with God that I’ve been on the past few years. I’ll touch on it here, I’m sure, but there’s a whole host of vocabulary that accompanies it, and I don’t plan on turning this site into a theology lesson…but it’s all good, we don’t have to go there. But as I’ve talked about before, my bottom line is hope–I’m in the hope business and I desire to always cultivate it in my own, and one of the lists that came out of a session from Dr. Bill Ury that I think is important, for what it’s worth, is this:
How to Nurture Abundant Hope:
- Failure is not ultimate
- Circumstances are not permanent
- Respond to His presence
- He is always working good
- Focus on the unchanging nature of God
I can’t argue with any of these points. Simple and concise. So…when I put it context, I have to believe that I am fully capable of more than I think I am able of at this given point. I have to put my faith in God and my trust in others when my small-minded thinking is standing in the way of what can be. Anything is possible.
And on that note…more later. I’ve got a PR from Ventura to brag on!