Transparency Bites Back

It’s no secret, I’ve made it an aim to share the awesome, good, bad, ugly, and everything in between the last couple years on this crazy adventure for several reasons very important to me:

• First and foremost, to illustrate through the vehicle of my journey how God has and is working in my life and He can and will do great and mighty things in yours too if you just ask, submit, and obey.
• To show that pastors are people too.  We are not immune the the struggles of life and should not be placed on pedestals.  Yes, we are leaders, but we are also sinners saved by grace–same as you (well, hopefully you know Jesus and have entered into relationship with Him and know of that saved condition–if not, let’s chat).  We’re human, and don’t have an edge on the game of life–we live, learn, and have to develop our personal faith relationship the same as anyone else.
• It’s not rocket science.  Yeah, losing weight is a bummer sometimes.  Exercise isn’t everyone’s favorite activity.  But holistic wellness is a marathon, not a sprint–when we are developing our whole healthy self, there’s so much more to it than a crash diet or the latest and greatest.  Simple steps, but not easy.  And it is work.  (everyone’s favorite 4-letter word!) Some days are hard, some days are easy, but the rewards are out of this world.

So a few days ago I was scrolling through some pictures on my phone and posted one on Facebook with a pretty vulnerable post–probably one I should’ve blogged as it was lengthy and clearly needed some expansion in hindsight.  It was a photo that my husband had snapped during a fun time we were having one morning before a conference, we spent the whole morning in a bike shop and I had tried on every cycling shoe in my size in the store to select just the right pair that I fell in love with (and I did!).  I should look at that picture and my first thoughts should be positive, right?  Wrong…

I looked at that photo and saw every flaw that I hate about myself and I expanded on that in my post on the picture…I knew what I was doing in the process and trying to turn it to a place of expression, in that I am working to find self acceptance.  I’m not there…it’s a foreign concept to me, I don’t understand it simply because I’ve never really had it, but I do know it’s something I desire for myself and intellectually know its benefits to my overall well-being.

I missed the mark.

As with anything you put in writing, it gets misconstrued, and I had made a side comment that went off on a bit of a tangent that caused some comments to really fixate on as the main message, which I think I hopefully brought back to the main message of learning self acceptance was priority one…but what I never anticipated was, for lack of a better word, the crapstorm of messages away from the public eye that followed over the next couple days.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the majority of these from people I know well were truly from a place of love that thought they were offering assistance.  I love them for their desire to want to fix and care for what is physically broken…but the “solutions” they were bringing me were anything but solutions–they were things to further remove me from a place of coming into self acceptance on my own and in God’s time.

I don’t follow programs, fast-fixes or gimmicks.  Period.  I have lost my now 170lbs through good ‘ole balanced eating, moving my body, and working on the emotional and spiritual issues that got me to the point of super morbid obesity in the first place.  After two years of homework, research, trying, experimenting, failing sometimes, researching, trying again, succeeding, and repeating this cycle over and over again, I’ve pretty much refined this process for myself.  I don’t have sense of urgency in this either–all of this has happened on God’s timeline, not mine.  Yes, all of my goals are time-based in some fashion, EXCEPT scale numbers.  That’s not a head game I’m willing to play.  I know that as I improve myself and my life the weight will take care of itself.  I have 170 beads in a jar and a new driver’s license photo to prove it.

I’m not saying that some of these different things don’t work–they can and do for people with different goals, different mindsets, the willingness to invest time/money, and a whole host of other things, but they simply aren’t for me.  I just find it a little bit overkill when I go to be vulnerable for a second and end up with 37 (not an exaggeration) solicitations for It Works, Plexus, Beachbody, Medifast, FitTea, Thrive, and even our disturbingly unhealthy local weight loss doctor’s program. (Caveat: I am not a regular Beachbody client, and I do NOT use their supplement products or their nutrition programs, but I do own and enjoy CIZE and PiYo….in the spirit of full disclosure)

I was reminded last week of a saying that I love–you do you.  All of these things above, if that’s your deal, great.  You have your thing, I have mine.  We all make our own choices, and with choices come consequences–good, bad, or indifferent.  You don’t have to sell me on your choices, and I don’t have to accept them–but what I do have to do is come to a place of accepting myself as I am in the present moment and truly learning to see myself as God sees me.  There’s no shake, pill, patch, wrap, or program that can make that happen–that’s the Holy Spirit and me.

I love you all for the concern and perception of what you thought was a need, and your want to be a fixer…I’m a fixer too, I get it, but here’s my promise: I know what you do/sell.  I also research and do my homework exhaustively.  I’m interested in you, but not your product, but I promise you if that ever changes–I will come to you, I know where to find you.