“Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow your touch to reach the deepest parts of me–dark and dingy and hidden away too long–suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.” -Lysa TerKeurst
Dude, this author is in my head. She gets it. I long to move past my unsettlement. I’ve been unsettled. I’m not content with where I am now, because I know I’m destined to be better than who I am right now. Some of the dark and dingy has been exposed, and there’s more to come. It’s not pretty, and I’m definitely not proud of it. There’s a fine line I’m walking right now to recognize and realize the scum in me that needs to be ridded of and sinking into shame and guilt because of it.
I stand in victory today. God is with me. God is for me. God has gone before me to pave the way for this journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. I’m not alone. I don’t have to fall apart, shattered into a broken person, to become a better version of me. I used to think that was the way it worked, and maybe I still do a little bit…but instead of going backwards in order to go forward, I understand that I can move forward from right where I am. Yes, I do need to look back at some of the past–there’s some hurts, habits, and hang-ups that need to be addressed there, but I don’t have to live in the past. It’s just information for the journey.
I get glimpses of the future that I cling to with all that I am. I’ve seen the person that I long to be, not in another person, but I’ve seen it in myself. It brings tears to my eyes when this happens, because the feeling of sheer joy and freedom that accompanies it is simply overwhelming that I just can’t handle it. I have images of the person that I know I’m meant to be seared into my mind’s eye, and that’s such an exciting thing. Pictures of goals accomplished and victory over self litter the hallways of my head. It’s a thing of real beauty.
And my humanness wants these things *right now*…and it’s just not reality. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and I have to be okay with that. So for today, I’m finding joy in the process. I’m okay with being unsettled. It’s okay to not have it all together. Thanks be to God!