Don’t worry, I’m not going to detail 34 years of life…but pretty close. In AA, they call this your “drunkalog,” and that it’s something that you shouldn’t fixate on–use it as information, but look to the future with hope and strength. I can get on board with that, but I think it’s important to look at history so you don’t repeat it. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I have been overweight my entire life. No, I don’t exaggerate. I was born a tiny bit premature, and within a week had reversed the numbers on my pounds/ounces to be larger than my gestational age.
I have tried EVERY diet known to man. Every. single. crazy, hair-brained, fad that has come along. I’ve dieted all my life. I have a vague memory of being in the pediatrician’s office around age 5 and him telling my mom that I needed to lose weight, and then on the trip home stopping at the grocery store and celery was purchased (yes, random memory…). I’ve been to weight loss “doctors,” gyms, therapists, nutritionists, support groups, twelve-step programs, and even fat camp. I would venture to say between my experiences and learning how to live with my husband’s diabetes that I have greater nutritional knowledge than some who study the topic for a living.
I haven’t failed at every attempt at weight loss, I’ve had some successes. That said, I’ve also walked away from those successes and gained the weight back plus interest. I know I can lose weight, I just don’t follow-through.
So, what’s different this time?
Again, AA–I’ve hit my bottom. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. While I am blessed that I have no weight-related health problems (yeah, that one baffles doctors too), I’m not stupid and I know that won’t last forever. I come from a family of diabetes, high cholesterol and blood pressure, and other issues. I am tired of being miserable. Being my weight is depressing. I have not been active because it’s very difficult to exert the energy it takes to move this amount of weight around. I have not eaten healthy, because, well, let’s face it–it’s so much easier to eat crud and I’m a lazy person by nature. I don’t live my life to the fullest because I am afraid–afraid of fitting in booths/chairs, afraid (humiliated) to ask for the airplane seatbelt extender, afraid of what people will think of me, and generally afraid of anything that I can’t control.
But enough is enough. I cannot live my life in fear. That’s not what God has created me for.
So, January 23, 2015, I started this journey at my highest weight I have ever seen in my life. Will I share that number? No, not now, because it’s still humiliatingly huge to me. Will I share it one day? Perhaps…but don’t expect it soon. I briefly started using a meal replacement program, but that became cost prohibitive, so now I am following another weight loss program that I have used in the past and have been successful with.
Unfortunately, I do have the need for a structured weight loss program. It’s just my personality…I need that bit of legalism in my life. I’m not one of those folks that can just “eat healthy and exercise” and the weight comes tumbling off. Maybe down the road…we’ll see where God takes me. That’s part of this journey too.
Losing weight alone is not the answer. I need a complete overhaul–physically, mentally, and spiritually. That is going to be the key to success at this current juncture. I have taken steps to not sabotage myself so that “this time” turns into all the other attempts. This is a lifestyle change, and I can’t do it alone. God has blessed me with a husband that is supportive and encouraging beyond my wildest dreams (who patiently listens to my frustrations and wipes my tears when I cry), friends to cheer me on, and several opportunities to stay accountable. I have people in my life that will kick me in the pants when I need it, and for that, I’m grateful. I’ve also made myself “facebook accountable”–not the most popular avenue of accountability, but for me, it works. If I’m going to put this journey out there for hundreds of people and their friends to see, I better be doing what I need to do.
And that brings us to today. 7 weeks into the journey. I am still plugging along. I’ve lost 25lbs so far. Pretty frustrated that I see no change in myself yet, but on the same token, at my size, I may not see change for quite some time. (And for the record, I’m allowed to be frustrated at myself, there’s nothing innately wrong about that) I have gotten eating wrangled in to a healthy place. I’ve started some exercise–walking and recently some resistance band training. I’m not setting records by anyone’s standards, including my own inflated standards. But I’m moving in the right direction. And for today, that’s enough.