I should never be left to my own devices…and then left to my own devices again. There is a max capacity to time alone spent in my own head, and while the last almost two weeks have been rather productive progress, I’m reaching max capacity and the dog just isn’t much of a conversationalist.
It’s one of those seasons of time where I’m not sleeping well because of, well, things I can’t control. Thus, more time in my head. I’m coming back around again to the idea of forgiveness. I’ve written on this before, it’s an area of struggle for me–not in general, but in a specific area. It’s so easy to counsel others how to forgive the unforgivable, but I can’t apply the same counsel to a situation in my life. As much of a logical and analytical person I can be, I can’t separate the action from the emotion in this situation. I’ve begged God for far longer than I care to over the years on this to show me, to help me, to make this impossible task a little more clear cut…but, crickets. I’m not going to lie that knowing I have this unsettled situation in my heart makes me often feel inadequate in my role as a pastor. I don’t have the answer. I want to, but I just don’t, and I think that hurts more than anything. Waiting on God…waiting to figure out that next right action.
I want to find my niche again…life is falling into a routine again finally, despite all the catching up still to be done. But I can’t help but feel a little bit lost. I have my responsibilities, I have our ministry, I have the places that I serve outside our ministry that contribute to our community…but I just can’t seem to find where I fit in the world again. I’ve spent some time really digging in on what I want that to look like for me and while I know it’s not popular, I know what it is–and I’m going to keep pursuing those things. I’ve put too much time, education and professional development, blood, sweat, and tears into something that God is pushing me towards not only for the betterment of myself but for others too. So, in addition to hitting the books in preparation to make a goal a reality very soon, I’m contemplating an opportunity to build on some skills I’ve been cultivating for awhile that will benefit some longer term goals as well. Life changes in the blink of an eye–I value too many precious things to let assumptions and judgment stand in the way of God’s purpose for me and the benefit for His Kingdom, and I’m burdened to pursue it for His glory.
I don’t really have a pretty package to tie this all up and round it all together….not sure where I’m going here. Just wanted to lay down some ramblings and get it out of my head, we all know how that goes. It is what it is. Very happy husband comes home tomorrow, that Friday I get to have lunch with a beautiful friend and see my favorite ballerina in her recital, and that life can hopefully get back to its semblance of “normal” until hubby leaves again in a few weeks. ‘Tis conference and disaster season! More later.